Worth a Thousand Words

BABY trying out her highchair for the first time. Just before 5 months, was maybe a bit too early. She is clearly giving me a look here that says, "What the hell are you thinking mommy??!!"

Dear Belly Fat

Dear Belly Fat,

It's been a long time since we last spoke. How are you?? Hope things are well.

You ran across my mind today. I was reminiscing about the years that we shared together. I just had to sit down and write you an overdue note. I haven't had time to write, but please know that you were always in my thoughts. I have always had a special place for you, Belly Fat, in my heart.

You see Belly Fat, we are BFFs. I've known you longer than most people! We shared a lot together. From baby fat to baby bump. You were there for me as long as I can remember. Elementary school, the prom, graduation - we shared some incredible moments together.

Even at my most athletic, when I turned my back on you in favour of sports and my first gym membership, you stayed by my side. You never let those training sessions, yoga classes, elliptical machines, or free weights get between us. They were never able to wear you down or wear away our connection.

Boyfriends came and went, but you stayed. School, work and play. Jobs, then internships, and the beginnings of my career. We became closer than ever - with our hold on each other growing stronger and stronger in the last few years. We shared many a sushi lunch, Mexican takeout and iced cream together. Remember those McCain Deep & Delicious nights we had? That was a blast wasn't it. Belly Fat, we had some great times hanging out.

People would be impressed by your loyalty, tenacity, perseverance Belly Fat. I am one of only a few people, I'm sure, who knows that side of you. Rolling with the punches.

And last year, when I found out that I was pregnant, you were there. During those early months, was it weird for you when people would rub you when I told them I was expecting?? Yeah they didn't know that there wasn't a baby bump there yet. But it's ok. They didn't mind touching you Belly Fat. I have to admit, that made me a little bit uncomfortable. I appreciated having you around, keeping my baby well insulated in the winter and providing amble room in the stomach area for me to grow into.

But Belly Fat, I have to be honest with you. This is tough for me to say so please bare with me. Although we have had some good times, I feel that we are moving in different directions. Belly Fat, I think that I need to move on. Now that I have had the baby - she's doing well by the way - I need to lose a few pounds.

Please do not be upset by what I am saying Belly Fat. It's not you, it's me. I have new goals - like fitting into my skinny jeans, being able to wear a bathing suit to mommy and me swimming, looking attractive in lingerie someday. Unfortunately I have to leave you behind.

Please don't try to contact me Belly Fat. I don't think that we can remain friends. The best thing that we can do it make a clean break. Go our separate ways, not looking back.

I will always remember and cherish the years that we spent together. I promise. Belly Fat, this is for the best. I wish you the best of luck in your future endeavors.

Sincerely,
humps

I Scream, You Scream

I'm an emotional eater. I guess the first thing to do is admit you have a problem. I have a problem eating.

My vice is baked goods, but anything sweet will do. Chocolate. Cupcakes. Cake! During a regular day, in a regular week, at a regular time in my life I love eating. When I'm emotional, I need to eat. It's like drugs. For that reason I try NOT to keep junk food in the house - because if it's here I will eat it. But I do have a little stash of chocolate for those times when I NEED TO HAVE IT.

For the past few weeks, I've been getting down with the baked goods. We have been sharing intimate moments together at night when Baby is asleep. I have been packing more in the shopping cart under the warm breakfast cereal and prepared salad mix. A few have come along in the diaper bag for "on the go indulgences". Earlier this week I finished a whole box of Passion Flakies in just over 24 hours. That's 6 Passion Flakies people. On the weekend I had a big bowl of iced cream with peanut butter chocolate cookies on the side. Did you hear that? I had ice cream with a side of cookies!!

Today I went on a Meetup with a couple of new moms in downtown Toronto. We went to an Ice Cream shop - a really cute one in Leslieville named Cream The Urban Dairy. It was adorable. And I had a great time with the other new moms. Afterwards took a walk down Queen Street East to visit Kids On The Hip (for the first time) and Baby On The Hip (one of my favs).

It was great to have a nice outting. But I have to be completely honest here. I RSVP'd for the Meetup for the Ice Cream! I was thinking about the Ice Cream all day! Ok I was thinking about the Ice Cream yesterday too!

Could it be possible that I like sweet things more than I like people?! Naah!! Maybe...

So I decided that I need to get myself together. I am going to quit Ice Cream and baked goods for two weeks.

Cold turkey.

Because it is clearly a problem.

Hopefully after this short detox I will be back to my old self. Enjoying people, their babies, as much as I enjoy the desert.

~ humps.... that are getting bigger and bigger

Thank You

This started as a comment response to my 99 Problems post but became so long that I had to turn it into a blog entry. :)

I wanted to say thank you so much to everyone who commented. I received a great amount of advice and support, that made me laugh and cry. It astonishes me whenever someone takes the time to click on 'Comment' and write to me. Honestly. I'm so happy that you found my small little space in this crazy thing that we call the Internet. I'm really, really lucky.

Writing this post and reading the comments has become therapy for me. The first step in a lot of steps that I needed to make. I'm not sure if I'm the only one to do this but I have seen myself completely ignore the situation - because talking about it, and writing about it on this blog would make it that much more real. It would be something that I wouldn't be able to ignore. It would be concrete. I know that once I do that it, I won't be able to go back to what it was.

So I didn't. And for a long time that was working for me. It's sort of like getting a bill in the mail. And if you wait a day or two before opening it, you can - just maybe - pretend it doesn't exist.

But I've left with this HUGE elephant in the room. It's ridiculous actually.

I'm not sure if much is going to change here. I will still share the crazy things that I am thinking and feeling while I watch my adorable bab girl grow. But I know how that this space can be an outlet for more of the things that I am feeling. No one's perfect. Neither are we.

Thanks again,
humps.... but you can call me Jenine

99 problems but the baby ain't one

I have heeded the warnings. Do not drive while drunk. And even more, do not blog while pissed off. "What you say on the Internet will always come back to you," they say.

Honey girl, let me tell you.

If you've read a few posts from this blog you may have picked out a subtle but distinct element - a missing character. I don't talk about my daughter's father online and that's deliberate. There are many reasons for that. For one he's not really an "internet person" who doesn't understand blogging. We have what I like to describe as a strained relationship (ok it's worse than that) and he isn't apart of Baby's life right now. And the trials and tribulations that we go through are much easier to put behind me when they're not documented here.

I have been thinking a lot about all of this in the past couple of weeks. About what I'm going through "on that front" and the blog. And that's why I decided to write this post now. Because I'm torn.

I love this blog because what it has become. I started writing when I found out that I was having a baby. It was an outlet for me - even before a lot of my friends and family got the news - and allowed me to talk about my thoughts and feelings, joys and pains. And then people started reading it. I got to know some other moms that I have learned so much from. Now that I had my baby girl, I get to share more of the thoughts and feelings, joys and pains as a new mom. I get to document the little things along the way as she grows up. I would hate to poison that with all of the OTHER craziness. I don't want this space to be a rant. While looking back at what I have shared on this blog, I don't want to be reminded of those negative things that I am trying to forget about in my Real Life.

On the other hand, I want to be honest. I want to write like no one's reading. I don't want to hide behind a veneer of a perfect life. That has never been me and I don't want that to be the story that I tell. This isn't Sunny-Side-Up. This is just the part of my life that I actually want to talk about. I want to tell you that I have the best baby in the world, who when she wakes up doesn't cry. Instead, is so happy to see me that she gives me a big smile and waves her arms and legs. She is starting to laugh. I love watching her play and the special way that she examines her toys before putting them in her mouth. That's what I want to look back at.

But that's not everything. I am so sad for her. It makes me upset that we didn't have our shit together before she came into this world. Although her dad's an ass, I feel guilty. I want to protect her from that. I want her have the perfect life that she deserves. I have relationship issues, family issues, financial issues, work issues. But I have the best little girl ever. I don't know how that happened.

So there it is. My problems...

~ humps

Me the Medic

Last night I had an amazing amount of mommy guilt. I also had mommy fear, mommy angst, mommy distress. I think I gave my baby girl a cold and I was paying the emotional price for it.

You see, last week I thought I picked up something. It could have been from the library, the playgroup that I went to, or the doctor's office. I'm leaning towards the later for reasons that I don't really have to explain to you. The next day I had an itchy throat which is always the first sign for me that a cold is a-brewing. I started operation Contain The Cold. It involved lots of oranges, limes with honey, ginger tea. I washed my hands even more frequently than I usually do. And as hard as it is, I tried to stay a safe distance away from "Baby". But there's only so much a mom can do when she's home with the baby all day, breastfeeds, and has a strong addiction to cuddling with adorable 3 month olds. I guess it was bound to happen.

The cold went through me in a few days. And then I heard it coming from her crib one morning this week - you would miss it if you weren't watching your sleeping baby like a crazy mother. It was there. Unmistakable. Her cough. She woke up with stuffed nose. But she had a big smile on her face.

It's hard for me to really say that she had a cold. Although she was coughing a little and had a stuffy nose, she was her usual happy self. She didn't seem to be sleeping any more than usual. She was breastfeeding just fine. It is obvious that I was way more occupied with it than she was. She didn't seem notice.

Last night my obsession reached a whole new level, admittedly. While baby was sleeping in her crib, as peaceful as can be, I heard that her nose was very stuffed. I was terrified. Terrified that somehow her nose would get so stuffed up that she won't be able to breathe. I couldn't go to sleep with her like that!! I stood there and watched her. I paced. I got all of the appropriate baby books off of the shelf and started to read them in the bathroom. (Well I couldn't wake everyone up with the lights!) I took her out of the crib and held her in the living room. I got out the first aid kit. At around 3:30 am started to read the instructions for the nasal aspirator. And then I went to it! Tried to relieve my poor baby girl of her congestion.

She woke up. Her eyes said it all. Why are you sticking this thing up my nose.

The nasal aspirator didn't really do much - mainly because there wasn't much to suction. Since I had the first aid kit out I took her temperature. She was fine. I was the one that was crazy. I nursed her and she went back to sleep.

I stayed up. Researching colds in babies, and listening to my sleeping baby breathe. Today she was perfectly fine. The nose has cleared up and she's coughed only a couple of times. It looks like the worst is behind us. Thank goodness it wasn't a full blown cold. Maybe tonight I'll get some rest. Or maybe I'll stay up just to be safe.... :)

~ humps

Caribana 2009

I went to the Caribana parade last weekend with my cousin from Florida. "Baby" stayed at home - the first time she was without mommy for more than a few minutes - while I went gallivanting downtown. But I couldn't resist dressing her up in this outfit that my mother bought in Jamaica. You gotta represent!!

Simple Times

When I was a kid I would spend most of my summers in Florida. My parents would ship me off to the extended family - grand aunts and uncles, cousins and family friends. My grandmother had a ton of younger brothers and sisters, and their kids were around my age. Going to Florida in the summer was sort of like going to Summer Camp or the cottage.

I had and still have much more family in Florida than anywhere else.

There were a handful of cousins that I was particularly close with. When I went back home to Toronto we kept in touch, in anticipation for when I would return.

Keeping in touch back then was different than keeping in touch is now. If you recall, 15-20 years ago there was no text messaging, or Twitter. We weren't on Facebook or Hotmail.

Keeping in touch meant that we would actually write letters to each other. I would receive a package in the mail from Florida that would have letters from my closest cousins (each with a unique take on what was happening in their lives and often expertly decorated), and accompanying the letter would be pictures, postcards, other memorabilia. Once I even received a cassette tape (remember thoses?) that had meaningful songs. Their voice chimed with a greeting in when I popped the tape into my stereo.

My responses always took much longer. I wrote individual letters to each person - looking for a new way to rehash my stories. Reminiscing about the "inside jokes" that we had. If you were boy crazy I would talk about my latest crush at school, if you were into music I would tell about the concerts coming up in Toronto. I would try to put a lot into my responses.

But like everything, time changes things. Growing up, moving on. So much has happened to all of us since those days. Graduations, weddings, careers, children. I went to Florida to be a Bridesmaid in one of my cousins weddings not to long ago, and now she has two children. I have a little one myself.

We do try to keep in touch - emailing, texting, long distance phone calls - when we find the time. I don't get to visit everyone in Florida as often as I'd like to.

This weekend, one of my favorite cousins is coming up to visit. This is the first time that she is meeting the baby. (I can't begin to tell you how excited she was for us when I broke the news that I was expecting.)

So although I won't be able to go to Florida this summer, like I used to, I'll have a little bit of Florida up here with me.

~ humps

In the Kitchen

I used to love cooking. Sometimes it would start off as a recipe, other times a dish was inspired by an ingredient. What I loved most was cooking for others - having someone pleasantly surprised by my food. I love cooking mainly because I love entertaining. Putting together a great meal, and delicious desert, a signature drink - maybe some great wine - was part of that experience. I used to love cooking.

Do you notice that I speak of that in the past tense? That was me BEFORE I had a baby. Now there are no quaint dinner parties. No intriguing conversation over a glass, or two, of Merlot. Hell it's 5:00 pm and I'm still in my pajamas. I am online instead of doing the laundry that is piling up in my living room. If anyone wanted to come over now I would freak the hell out.

I don't cook anymore. I hardly spend anytime in the kitchen. I go to the kitchen to get something from the fridge - hopefully something that I can eat with one hand while nursing "Baby", or playing with her, or rocking her to sleep. If I could eat said item while changing a diaper that would be great too.

In my world for the past three months since "Baby" has been in our lives, I have reinvented what cooking means to me - boiling. Since I never really know if the little one is napping for more than a few minutes, I never really know if I will have to abort the cooking process. I don't invest time in getting that cooking thing started. If it can't be boiled then it's not for me.

But this week I decided that I needed to get back in the kitchen. Maybe experiment with something one step up from boiling. Tonight I am making vegetable LASAGNA. Yes boiling is involved which is great. There also chopping, the lasagna assembly, and the baking. But since I can start and stop those things at a moment's notice, I'm ok with this. You would be impressed.

However, like all new mommies, I ain't no fool. I no I am not. I made so much Lasagna that I'm freezing a whole pan of it. We will have so much Lasagna in this place that I won't have to cook for weeks. Why? Because I USED to love cooking.

~ humps

Censorship

It's been a while since I blogged. In addition to having a mountain of internet issues, I also came down with a tooth infection that had me cowling in bed for a while. My addiction to Orajel wasn't pretty.

But now I'm back on solid foods and back to the blog.

I've had this story to share for a while now that I've been dying to get out. A few weeks ago I was at a cousin's barbecue. Like most family gatherings there was no shortage of young kids running around and getting into trouble.

At one point in the day, I was upstairs in a bedroom changing and nursing "Baby" while the little kids in the house were in the hallway playing. It was easy for them to forget that I was there as they busied themselves with their games.

I was - for the most part - minding my business, when one of the kids started to sing songs. Not lullabies or nursery rhymes but radio hits. Think top ten on BET. It was innocent enough at first I guess. I thought about those YouTube videos that you would see of little kids dancing to music videos, or something. Until....

Until a little one - maybe around five years old - starting singing a new song call "Birthday Sex"!! And all the little kids joined in.

I was holding my two month old baby while a chorus of kindergartners where singing BIRTHDAY SEX, BIRTHDAY SEX in stereo outside of the room! My heart stopped beating, my body was convulsing and I think I threw up in my mouth a little. Then I froze.

After my life flashed before my eyes for a moment, I gathered myself and Baby and stormed out of the room - trying my best to be an intimidating parent. (I had no idea what to do.) They ran.

That was the exact moment that I decided that there would be full censorship in my own for "Baby". Poor girl. No radio. No MTV, VH1, BET, MuchMusic. No chance that I will catch her 5 year old self singing the next version of BIRTHDAY SEX, BIRTHDAY SEX while shaking her little booty. I don't care if she doesn't understand. That can't be good?! Can it?!!!

Call me Castro but our house is not a democracy. It is a full dictatorship and I'm in charge. You don't get a vote, little one. What I says goes. Period. End of story. At least while you're under my roof.

It all started when you were two months old.

XOXO humps

On The Move!

XOXOX humps

Desperate

I'm online!! My prayers have been answered. If you were to see me now, you would know how desperate I am.

I am able to connect to the internet through a wired connection to my modem. (For some reason my wireless router isn't really working out.) The wire is MAYBE two feet. I'm sprawled out on the carpet of my living room, manuals and laptop "stuff" EVERYWHERE. Baby is sleeping in her Quinny Bassinet. I am in stained track pants. I really should be taking a shower on not on the floor trying to get online. You would shake your head at me right now.

I'm really hoping to at the very least get through some emails!

Thank you Jesus. Internet.

~ humps