July 7, 2010

The Humidity Diet

It's freaking hot. Northeastern US and Central Canada - including where I am in Toronto - are under the vice of a heat wave that has lasted for the past few days. There are extreme heat alerts, heat advisories, UV warnings, smog advisories, humidex advisories. However you slice it, the weather is making even the most die-hard fans of warm summers days, like myself, run for cover in the air conditioning. Yesterday, I went out over the lunch period and feared, to be quite honest with you, that I might melt into asphalt. It was sick and disturbing.

As I sat under the AC vent in my office with my blouse unbuttoned to career-limiting degrees, it occurred to me - a miraculous benefit to the crazy weather. A benefit it is much need and surely will be embraced by many. I'd like to call it the Humidity Diet. There are just three key elements:

1. Avoid any extraneous physical activity to acquire food, such as going to the grocery store, grocery shopping, packing groceries and loading groceries into a vehicle.

- This will encourage you to optimize the food that you do have on hand. It requires true creativity to make a family meal with tuna, condensed soup, pie filling and saltine crackers. Think of it as a culinary experiment and opportunity to watch those calories. Plus slaving over the stove must be good too.

2. Don't go anywhere. If you are fortunate enough to be able to spend your daytime hours in an air conditioned environment, don't go anywhere. If you are home, stay home. If you are at work, stay at work. Waiting out the peak period is a blessing. You can re-emerge in the evening, when you are less likely to melt into the asphalt.

- There are waistline benefits of this too. You are encourage to plan and prepare lunches ahead of time. Your organizational skills will blow others away and increase your confidence. Not going outside can only boost your productivity. I see a raise in your future.

- If you have forgotten to bring a lunch, you can still benefit. Scrounging around the office for lunch - that granola bar in your desk drawer, cheese stick in your purse, peppermints on your co-worker's desk and cup of coffee could be a suitable, impromptu meal and great lesson in portion control.

3. If you do go outside, aim for the hottest time of the day - noon! If you're lucky, you will happen upon other lunch-goers on the roads, in the parking lots, and food establishments of your community. Bonding with others and fostering your patience and empathy, particularly during extremely uncomfortable temperatures, is great for your personal development.

- The potential weight loss benefits are numerous! The sweltering midday humidity has been known to suppress appetites. Chances are that you will opt for a lighter lunch or skip the meal all together. (Zero calories are the best kind of calories.) Plus, you'll be sweating a whole lot too. That's good for at least a few pounds of water weight. A portable sauna, for free!

I encourage to you embrace the humidly this summer and think of it as an opportunity to shed a few lbs. Please note: like any new diet or fitness regime, consult your doctor.

~ humps

July 5, 2010

Confessions of a Man-Hater

I am not a bust the windows of your car, throw your clothes out of the window, light your house on fire type of woman. I wouldn't say that I am a woman scorned. I tend not to use loaded, overly passionate words like Hate too often.

I am a single parent. I raise my hand as a person with relationship issues (because I am either a terrible judge of character or naive, and someone who can't "make it work".) I am jaded. I am skeptical. Where I once believed in love at first sight and happily ever after, I sit in the cold, wet reality on the outside of that fairytale. "Snap out of it kid. Life doesn't work like that."

Although I can go on and on about how these feelings are internalized, I am very comfortable admitting that I blame men for these issues. Not a man, or a few men, I blame MEN. All of them. I blame MEN when it comes to relationships.

MEN are dogs. MEN suck. MEN are selfish. MEN will break your hearts, if you let them.

Sure they are good, great even, at lots of things. They have wonderful qualities. I'm not convinced, though, that MEN can do one to one relationships. Not sure how to explain why I feel that way other than to say that I'm holding out for evidence. I have lots of examples to the negative, not many examples to the positive. Generalization? Yes.

Yes, I am extrapolating the experiences from one and cascading it to the billions. I am generalizing a gender. I have used my great wisdom earned from just a few broken hearts to fuel blacklisting of many.

I may not say it out loud but I am living in my "man hating world" when I meet your husband, boyfriend, fiance. Through my voice you'll hear "Nice to meet you!" or "How's it going?" but there's a fairly good chance that I'm thinking "He seems ok for now" or "Hope he doesn't fuck up" or "This is not going to end well".

This post is called Confessions of a Man-Hater for a reason. I am a closet man hater. I am a man hater who you would never suspect could be slinging such man hate.

Is there hope yet for me to escape my man-hating ways? I hope so. I hope that somehow this dark, abandonned heart will be warmed. I hope that I will wake up to the sun shining into my window and forget what it feels like to say "you suck" under my breath. I hope that I will turn the corner one day, moving forward to the horizon hate-free. I hope that I will put on my coat from seasons' past to find my rose-colored glasses in the side pocket and I will love love more than I hate men.

But right now I am wallowing in my untrusting, unbiased, unwaivering, funky to the core, brickwalls too high to surpass man hate.

These are just my confessions as a man-hater.
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