September 1, 2009

99 problems but the baby ain't one


I have heeded the warnings. Do not drive while drunk. And even more, do not blog while pissed off. "What you say on the Internet will always come back to you," they say.

Honey girl, let me tell you.

If you've read a few posts from this blog you may have picked out a subtle but distinct element - a missing character. I don't talk about my daughter's father online and that's deliberate. There are many reasons for that. For one he's not really an "internet person" who doesn't understand blogging. We have what I like to describe as a strained relationship (ok it's worse than that) and he isn't apart of Baby's life right now. And the trials and tribulations that we go through are much easier to put behind me when they're not documented here.

I have been thinking a lot about all of this in the past couple of weeks. About what I'm going through "on that front" and the blog. And that's why I decided to write this post now. Because I'm torn.

I love this blog because what it has become. I started writing when I found out that I was having a baby. It was an outlet for me - even before a lot of my friends and family got the news - and allowed me to talk about my thoughts and feelings, joys and pains. And then people started reading it. I got to know some other moms that I have learned so much from. Now that I had my baby girl, I get to share more of the thoughts and feelings, joys and pains as a new mom. I get to document the little things along the way as she grows up. I would hate to poison that with all of the OTHER craziness. I don't want this space to be a rant. While looking back at what I have shared on this blog, I don't want to be reminded of those negative things that I am trying to forget about in my Real Life.

On the other hand, I want to be honest. I want to write like no one's reading. I don't want to hide behind a veneer of a perfect life. That has never been me and I don't want that to be the story that I tell. This isn't Sunny-Side-Up. This is just the part of my life that I actually want to talk about. I want to tell you that I have the best baby in the world, who when she wakes up doesn't cry. Instead, is so happy to see me that she gives me a big smile and waves her arms and legs. She is starting to laugh. I love watching her play and the special way that she examines her toys before putting them in her mouth. That's what I want to look back at.

But that's not everything. I am so sad for her. It makes me upset that we didn't have our shit together before she came into this world. Although her dad's an ass, I feel guilty. I want to protect her from that. I want her have the perfect life that she deserves. I have relationship issues, family issues, financial issues, work issues. But I have the best little girl ever. I don't know how that happened.

So there it is. My problems...

~ humps

8 comments:

MBB Founder and Editor Denene Millner on 8:57:00 AM said...

Do what feels right FOR YOU, my love. And I'm so happy that amidst the chaos, you can still look in baby girl's eyes and find joy.

This is what life is made of.

Tatiana on 4:08:00 PM said...

This is your space to write.

If writing is cathartic, then go for it. Sometimes even writing it all and just not hitting Publish, sitting on it overnight & deciding the next day whether or not you want to publish, is helpful.

There's a blog out there, http://thatsnotjellothatsmybrain.wordpress.com/ , where people send in anonymous, ranting posts they don't want to put on their blog but they do want to share with the world. You could do that, too :)

Also, if you ever want to talk, I want to listen!

Just don't stop blogging. I've followed you thru pregnancy, and now seen pictures of your beautiful little Baby, and I'd be totally heartbroken if you just disappeared.

Many e-hugs!

darkfairymomma on 11:10:00 PM said...

one of the things i've learned from the mommy bloggers in my Google reader is that parenthood is nowhere close to perfect and a blog is a perfect outlet for some of those thoughts and feelings that you would normally keep inside. on the other hand, i understand the need to vent with a bit of anonymity and perhaps you may need to start a new blog for that. either way, i wish you love, luck, and much happiness despite the tears in whatever path you choose :)

Malinda on 1:07:00 PM said...

i love this post... I love that you have sort of let us know what probably a lot of your readers have been wondering. I understand not wanting to post the rants on your blog because it's really all about baby but I wonder if maybe by filling in the details little by little as you go and as your comfortable it will help her someday understand what a wonderful and strong mom she has and all that you went through to care for her and protect her from the world and the people around her.

You are in my thoughts... hold her close and continue to love those beautiful moments, those giggles and those smiles.

Tara on 8:57:00 PM said...

Writing can be a solid, cheap, effective therapy session if you want it to be.

One of the most beautiful things is that sometimes, after you get it off your chest, you can read it back and maybe not even need to hit Publish. Your blog can be your blog. Do you.

Again, if you do decide to write about the not-so-pretty issues in your life, it's basically a journal. Years from now, when you have the issues figured out, you can look back and marvel at how far you've come. I recently read a few posts I did the week before I had my daughter (my first baby!) and I can see the fear on the screen. I'm not scared anymore and the sense of growth is a powerful thing.

Ms. Core on 11:31:00 PM said...

I know exactly what you mean and have gotten rid of many things that remind me of time/parts of my life that I don't want to remember. Is that the healthiest way to live? Who knows?..and you are definitely not alone in your problems.

Hugs to you and your precious little girl.

humpsNbump on 8:20:00 PM said...

You guys are the best. This is for you... http://humpsandbump.blogspot.com/2009/09/thank-you.html

C on 12:01:00 PM said...

Oh, Humps!
You know, I have been such a neglectful friend. Can I tell you how many times I was just about to pick up the phone and call you or text message you, when the baby started crying or wanted to be fed...or something?

You are not alone in your problems. You do what you feel is best for YOU and what you feel you need to do.

Love you lots! Sending big hugs your way! You truly are one of the friendliest, warmest, funniest, most amazing, beautiful people I've ever met! I can say this because I've actually met you! ;) xo

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