Written With One Hand

There's a baby clinging to my boob as I write this.

Yeah, you read that correctly. There's a baby clinging to my boob. Luckily it's my baby. Luckily I'm fairly used to her holding on for dear life to that particular boob, and the one beside it, many times each day.

I have been pretty upfront about my love for breastfeeding, since BABY was born over six months ago. Our routine - co-sleeping for part of the night - has worked really well for us. For me mostly. But for her too. Since it's just the two of us, and I am also extra careful almost to the blistering levels of OCD, I felt comfortable. Safe. It worked for late night feedings, sleeping through the night, bonding and it was so damn cute. Cuddling with her meant that I could drink in all of the baby-ness while she was still a baby. However, too much of a good thing is a bad thing.

I'm afraid that I have created a monster.

We're right in the middle of sleep regression. A few weeks ago she would take naps in the crib (astonishing since she wanted no part of that for her first few months) and I put her down there at bedtime. A few weeks ago, I would bring her into bed for a nighttime feeding and we slept together until morning. A few weeks ago, she would use a pacifier for sleep support - even reaching for it herself if I left it in the crib.

Now she wants no part of cribs, pacifiers, being by herself. Now she wants me - and importantly my boobs - all the time! She wants to nurse to sleep and during sleep. She wants to nurse all the time. She wants to sleep with me. She wants me to hold her. Whether it's teething or a growth spurt, I don't know. I'm hoping it's a phase. I'm not sure if all this breastfeeding will be cool when she starts high school.

So, if you haven't seen me on Facebook, there's no word on Twitter, or I'm not responding to emails, just know that there's a baby clinging to my boob. I'll get back to you when she lets go.

~ humps

I See Myself In You

You're a little girl that steals hearts, brings joy and loves. Loves so much for being so little. Loves unconditionally. These qualities contrast starkly with my cynicism, self doubt, social trepidation. It is remarkable to me that I made you. It is remarkable to me that you have me flowing threw your vains. But everyday that passes I see more of me in you.

When I hold you and bring you to the mirror, and make faces and hold our heads together, I see myself in you. The curls that are forming at the top of your head, and attempting to form at the sides. The way your eyebrows frame your brown eyes. The way your eyelashes clump in small segments and curl. The outline of your upper lip. Your smile. The complexion of the skin on your toes. The palm of your hands. I see myself in you.

And one night when it was too late for little babies to still be awake, you played in protest. So I took you and few board books to bed with me. While I was propped up on one side, engrossed in a novel from the library, I looked over to my left. There you were laying on your stomach, with a book in front of you. Your head moved back and forth, like you were reading that little book, sounding out the words, admiring the pictures, engrossed in that story. It was all too much for a little six month old baby. I was stunned, and without missing a beat you focused your energies on turning the page. I saw myself in you.

And when the sweet breath of sleep kissed your forehead, I watched. Your eyes closed slowly. Grudgingly. You raised your eyebrows in hopes that this last ditch attempt would cement your eyes open. Because, you only sleep on your terms. If you miss anything, there will be trouble. So I kissed your plump cheeks. Whispered goodnight. I understand my darling. I see myself in you.

XOXO humps

Random Thoughts

Just wanted to share this email that has been making the rounds. If you haven't received it yet, hopefully someone will send it to you instead of those other forwards with the bad hair day cats and PowerPoint slide shows. I have edited it down a tad!

Random Thoughts:
- I wish Google Maps had an "Avoid Ghetto" routing option.
- More often than not, when someone is telling me a story all I can think about is that I can't wait for them to finish so that I can tell my own story that's not only better, but also more directly involves me.
- Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.
- Have you ever been walking down the street and realized that you're going in the complete opposite direction of where you are supposed to be going? But instead of just turning a 180 and walking back in the direction from which you came, you have to first do something like check your watch or phone or make a grand arm gesture and mutter to yourself to ensure that no one in the surrounding area thinks you're crazy by randomly switching directions on the sidewalk.
- I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.
- Is it just me, or are 80% of the people in the "people you may know" feature on Facebook people that I do know, but I deliberately choose not to be friends with?
- There is a great need for sarcasm font.
- I think everyone has a movie that they love so much, it actually becomes stressful to watch it with other people. I'll end up wasting 90 minutes shiftily glancing around to confirm that everyone's laughing at the right parts, then making sure I laugh just a little bit harder (and a millisecond earlier) to prove that I'm still the only one who really, really gets it.
- I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.
- Whenever someone says "I'm not book smart, but I'm street smart", all I hear is "I'm not real smart, but I'm imaginary smart".
- How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear what they said?
- I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars teams up to prevent someone from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers!
- Every time I have to spell a word over the phone using 'as in' examples, I will undoubtedly draw a blank and sound like a complete idiot. Today I had to spell my boss's last name to an attorney and said "Yes that's G as in...(10 second lapse)..ummm...Goonies"
- While driving yesterday I saw a banana peel in the road and instinctively swerved to avoid it...thanks Mario Kart.
- MapQuest really needs to start their directions on #5. Pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighbourhood.
- I find it hard to believe there are actually people who get in the shower first and THEN turn on the water.
- If Carmen San Diego and Waldo ever got together, their offspring would probably just be completely invisible.
- Why is it that during an ice-breaker, when the whole room has to go around and say their name and where they are from, I get so incredibly nervous? Like I know my name, I know where I'm from, this shouldn't be a problem....
- You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you've made up your mind that you just aren't doing anything productive for the rest of the day.
- Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after DVDs? I don't want to have to restart my collection.
- There's no worse feeling than that millisecond you're sure you are going to die after leaning your chair back a little too far.
- I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten page research paper that I swear I did not make any changes to.
- "Do not machine wash or tumble dry" means I will never wash this ever.
- I hate being the one with the remote in a room full of people watching TV. There's so much pressure. 'I love this show, but will they judge me if I keep it on? I bet everyone is wishing we weren't watching this. It's only a matter of time before they all get up and leave the room. Will we still be friends after this?'
- I hate when I just miss a call by the last ring (Hello? Hello? Dammit!), but when I immediately call back, it rings nine times and goes to voicemail. What'd you do after I didn't answer? Drop the phone and run away?
- I like all of the music in my iTunes, except when it's on shuffle, then I like about one in every fifteen songs in my iTunes.
- As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
- I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.
- Even if I knew your social security number, I wouldn't know what do to with it.
- I think the freezer deserves a light as well.
- The other night I ordered takeout, and when I looked in the bag, saw they had included four sets of plastic silverware. In other words, someone at the restaurant packed my order, took a second to think about it, and then estimated that there must be at least four people eating to require such a large amount of food. Too bad I was eating by myself. There's nothing like being made to feel like a fat bastard before dinner.

A Lifetime of Yelling, "Don't Touch That!"

There is a critical point in the development of a young child where you can't just put 'em down and expect them to be there when you turn around. Trust me - I know. That point in my home was a few weeks ago.

Until recently I have been living in what I now know is a big ol' parenting delusion - complete with feelings that I had everything under control. I know now that until you are trying to keep up with a curious, moving, wanting to put everything in her mouth when you're not looking baby, life is easy. Hell, all you really needed to do was keep that kid fed, changed and entertained. All of which increases in complexity as the months go on.

And although I can and very shortly will do a bit of baby proofing in our condo, I'm much more worried about the things / places / people that we run into outside of the home. Worried as in full fledged anxiety. I'm sure that for many years to come I will feel this high level of anxiety that BABY is gonna get her little curious ass into something, fall into something, or hurt herself against something.

So I would like to warn everyone, that if BABY and I happen to be visiting you, out to lunch with you, having you over at our place, attending an event with you - basically anything, anywhere, with anyone - please don't be alarmed by the look of terror that I have on my face when I see these:

- a glass table
- a sharp corner
- a steaming hot beverage perched on an edge
- an open toilet seat
- a large vase placed on the floor
- (any sized) vase on any surface
- marbles, pebbles or other chocking hazards
- knives
- place settings
- electrical outlets
- stacks of newpaper
- any paper that you don't want a baby to eat
- stoves
- electrical wires
- open windows
- open doors
- pretty much anything and everything

It's a scary new world. Excuse me while I go after my baby. "DON'T TOUCH THAT!!"

~ humps

Be That Woman

One of my favorite blogs EVAH is Bad Mommy Moments. Just a few days ago CK posted this Public Service Announcement that I had to share. It got me weepy.

Check it out:



~ humps

The Ultimate Mom-Baby Playlist

On Sunday, I had a little get together for family and friends after BABY's baptism. Just a little brunch at my place. I didn't want to do anything too fussy. I wanted it to be low key, casual and comfortable.

And that's how I approached the planning.

I started by inviting an intimidate group of my really close friends and family. The ones that I see and talk to regularly. The people that are really connected to BABY and see her often. I skipped the catering, and planned a menu of appetizers, sandwiches and salads that I could prepare the day before. While I would never call myself an expert chef, I do enjoy cooking for people.

But before groceries were bought, or a pan was put on the stove, I was preparing for the most important part. The music. I made the ultimate of Baptism after party playlists, that began as one celebrating the love between moms and their daughters.

Since I am very much a giving, generous and good spirited blogger, I will share this with you - in hopes that it too can be the foundation for the parties you are having. Baptisms, birthday parties, baby showers, Mother's Day, Labor Playlists, whatever the need maybe. I got cha!

On this playlist, it was important to me that the songs represent different eras, different artists - you know, since that's how I roll! I wanted it to be something that my older family members and younger friends could sing along to. So you will see that there is everything from Jackson Five, Stevie Wonder, The Temptations to Dixie Chicks, Michael Buble, Whitney Houston to Jay-Z, Lauryn Hill, Kanye West.

The songs also included "love songs" - such as This Magic Moment and No Air - but I felt that it still fit the theme.

Check it out:

You can either build the playlist so that the sequence of songs is perfect, or hit "shuffle" for more spontaneity.

For the Baptism I added to that some more reggae - as a tribute to my West Indian family, which included some Beres Hammond, Tony Rebel, Tarrus Riley, Sizzla, more Bob Marley. I also added another playlist that I had with some of my favorite gospel from Mary Mary, Donnie McClurkin, Kirk Franklin, Yolanda Adams and even 'Jesus Walks' from Kayne West and 'Faithful' from Common. (Unfortunately Playlist.com didn't have all of the songs that I used.)

Hope you enjoy!
~ humps

Angels

On Sunday, my little angel was baptized. While I haven't talked about religious beliefs - and all that jazz - on this blog, I couldn't help but celebrate this day in her life. In both of our lives. It was an emotional day for me.

You see, I started going to this church less than a year before I got knocked up with BABY - for lack of a better description. It was a time when I was just beginning to explore the possibility of moving to US, when a close friend and I were having a conversation about church. We talked about going to church as a child and what that was like. We talked about how long it has been since we have been back and how life - just being a young adult in the city - so easily got in the way. We talked about a lot.

There were a handful of beautiful old churches in the city. We decided that we would check a few out and see what it was like. See if we could make a church connection and maybe give this whole "religious" thing a try. I mean it is one thing to believe in a maker and another thing entirely to be a full fledged church member!

One Sunday morning I ironed my clothes, broke open a new box of pantyhose, put on a nice but not sexually suggestive pair of heels. It was like I was going on a very conservative date: wanting it go well, a natural connection, to be comfortable and not wanting to say something stupid. "Please don't swear, please don't swear, please don't swear!" Add to that the unique dance that is church going: standing and sitting at the right moments, singing at the right volume.

We arrived at the church and found a place to sit a few rows from the back. We smiled at the people sitting around us. We stood and sat at the appropriate moments. We sung all of the hymns with the appropriate level of volume and enthusiasm. We didn't swear. Most importantly we listened. The pastor was a younger man standing in front of the backdrop of an older church - I would learn later that he was a thirty-something new father. He was starting a sermon series. When he talked, I felt like he was talking to us. It was just that relevant. I had Goosebumps. When it was over, before we got up to gather our things, we looked at each other. We came back the following week.

When the time came, I was more scared about telling people at my new church that I was pregnant than anyone in my life, because well nothing says SINNER than having a baby out of wedlock. I mean, really! Isn't that their whole deal?! I felt like having a baby was my own Scarlet Letter.

I am happy to say that it wasn't like that at all. And I now believe that having my little girl is a blessing. That I was given the most incredible gift. That God doesn't make mistakes. That I was suppose to find this church before I had her. That there is something to learn in all that I have and continue to go through.

And this weekend, when we stood beside the other families who were baptizing their children that day, I was trying really hard to hold in emotions. To the right of me were these families that I have grown to know, with a mom and dad. A small part of me pained that this wasn't the picture that I was presenting to the world. But to the left were my daughter's God Parents and all of my family and friends that were there to support us. I looked at them, and they smiled back at us. I looked out into the crowd and saw all of the people's faces that I now know. I looked down at this little girl that I held who looked back at me with big brown eyes. And I knew that it was perfect. And I exhaled.

My little angel. In. Every. Way.

~ humps

Don't Walk Away

If you have read a few of the posts here you would pick up on my mixed emotions about BABY growing. It is at once remarkable, exciting, fulfilling to watch her grow up before my eyes, and I feel so grateful to be able to witness it all. At the same time, I am sad that she is growing up so fast. She's my little baby!

The latest in the series of exciting, heartbreaking milestones - crawling. We already have a baby that sits up and rolls over. She loves "standing" with your help and pulling herself up. I'm waiting to see what she will do next. It seems to be changing every week.

Her journey towards crawling has been entertaining. I am left wondering if all babies like this. Is this the sequence to crawling:
- She started pushing up on her arms a while ago.
- She then started pushing up on her knees so that her butt was sticking up in the air.
- She learned how to push up on both hands and knees - table top style.
- She has been working the "take off", where she bounces on her knees and looks like she might launch herself across the room.
- She has been using her arms to pull herself in a circle.
- She uses her arms to push herself backwards.

All of these things combined with the sitting and rolling over, means that she is actually "traveling". She can help herself to that remote or cellphone or grocery list or key chain that was once a few feet away. But she hasn't yet got the momentum to really start crawling.

So I relish in small movements. I relish in each minute that she sits up on her own and looks up at me, and stays there. For all the time that she doesn't crawl, walk or run away, she is with me. That makes me a happy mommy.

~ humps

Month Six

Dear My Precious Baby,

Yesterday you turned six months old. We celebrated this special occasion at a party. No I didn't plan a 6 month birthday for you (although that would rock), it wasn't a party for you. It was a beautiful baby shower for Auntie S, who is due to have a little boy in just 5 weeks. Her baby will be born the same year as you. You will grow up together. But don't worry, I won't make you play with him if you don't want to. If he does anything mean to you, I will kick his ass. Me and Auntie S are cool like that.

And yes, I do expect you to call mommy's friends Auntie and Uncle.

As I look back, I have to say that this was the month of laughter. You have always been a very happy baby. I was convinced that I saw you smile for the first time that very first week that we brought you home from the hospital. Although they say that you were too young for that to be a "real" smile, I think it was. You see, during that time we were still getting to know each other. I was learning to hold you how you like to be held, and rock you how you like to be rocked. I would sometimes lie down with you, with my face so close to your face that our noses were touching. I would talk to you softly and we would get to know each other. The first time that I put you in your playgym, got on the floor down beside you and talked to you softly, you smiled.

Since then you have kept on smiling - when you are dreaming a nice dream, when you wake up, during playtime, after feeding, when you meet someone new, when you see a familiar face. Everyone who meets you remarks at what a happy baby you are. It is true. I'm so lucky to have you.

And now you laugh. You laugh rich, long, full belly laughs. You throw your head back and let out the best of laughs. These laughs make your eyes squint and your cheeks puff. Sometimes when I hold you so that you are looking at the world, and make funny sounds in your ear, you throw yourself against me and laugh, and laugh, and laugh. I wonder if your cheeks hurt from all of this laughing.

You can sit up all by yourself now and roll over. We debuted your new found skills to Auntie C about a month ago and she was so impressed. I couldn't help but take many a picture with you sitting all by yourself. It really hit me that you were becoming a big girl when I watched you sit with your older cousins and play with one of the toys at Grandma's house during the beginning of October. You were actually sitting and playing with the big girls, who are over five years older than you!! There was my little girl.

But although you can sit, you would much rather stand. You hold on to anyone's hands that you can and pull yourself up to standing. You like to stand on the floor, on the couch, on mommy's lap. You would stay standing all day if I would let you. You have always like to be held up, from the minute we brought you home, and take in all the world has to offer.

This week you had solid foods for the first time. I think that you like mommy's cooking. I can't wait to make more delicious baby food for you. I can't believe that you are getting so big.

I am exciting that you are growing up before my eyes and but it makes me a little sad. The time is just flying by so quickly. I want to pause the clock. I want to cuddle you until you don't want to cuddle anymore. I want to hold you until you are too big to be held. I don't want to let you go. Promise me that you will always be my little baby, even when you are too old to sit on my lap, when you are too busy to call, when you have your own friends and your own life. Promise that you will still let me love you to pieces.

I love you more than I ever knew that I could. This has been the best six months of my life and I can't wait for more.

Love, Mommy

Worst Advice? Get Married!

Last night I had a great time on a "Tweet Chat". It was for the Motherhood movie opening in select cities today, staring Uma Thurman. A number of moms and dads where discussing the ups and down, joys and triumphs of Motherhood. Some great mom bloggers were panelists (@mommadethat @sthrnfairytale @goodandcrazy @carissarogers @momdotrocks @futuremommy @MomDotRocks @mamakatslosinit @1momof5 @angiescircus) and discussions included things from favorite books, to lessons learned.

When the question "What's the worst advice that you received?" was raised, some of the responses included letting the baby cry it out, wake up the baby to feed him, having another child. Do you know what I said when that question came up. I said that the worst advice given was to GET MARRIED, and thank God that I didn't.

Too much information for an informal Tweet Chat! Yeah, maybe. I didn't have my mental
filter on. I just put it out there in the Twitterverse before I even realized that my response was drastically different from the mainstream.

But I mean it! I am so glad that I didn't get married.

I have talked about my daughter's father as Dad-To-Be on this blog and I really don't talk about him much. We were dating for about two years before I got pregnant. During that time, had long discussions about the children we would eventually have. We talked about getting married. We were happy. We never fought during those two years. We were in love.

He had moved from Toronto to Chicago (where he grew up) the summer that BABY was conceived. While in Toronto the months before, his dad was diagnotized and going through treatment for Prostate Cancer. His parents were getting a divorce after over 35 years of marriage. His siblings were picking sides. It was hard for him be in Canada while all of this was happening. We talked long and hard about him moving back. I encouraged him to. It was still heartbreaking.

I had convinced myself that I was at a point in my life and career where I could use a change of scenery. I was a few years into my career at a multinational company. I knew that US experience would help me and I was marketable. My friends and family would be sad to see me go but encouraging. I had nothing to hold me back. The plan was for him to move down and handle all of the drama that I was happening with his family. He would also pave the way for my move.

We had a five year plan.

But through all of this, I would always say that we would move back to Canada to have children - once we were married of course! I want to raise my kids in Toronto.

When I found out that I was having BABY, I was shocked. We both were. We both took it hard. But it didn't take me too long to realize that it was a gift. Luckily we found out before I left my job and before I moved. He didn't exactly see it that way.

Throughout my pregnancy, Dad-To-Be and I were going through a hard time. There were ups and downs, backs and forths - physically between the US and Canada, and emotionally. We broke up, and made up, then to break up again. People assumed that we would get married. That was the last thing on my mind - I had a lot of other things to worry about besides a wedding!!

BABY was just born when it completely fell apart. In an effort to keep all of the drama out of this blog (at least for now) I won't get into it. Basically, there were a ton of lies that uncovered itself.

Although we are still working out the role that he will play in BABY's life, I have to come to terms with what it means to be a single mom (it terrifies me even typing that), and there are lots of other issues and concerns and problems, I am happy that I didn't get married.

I wouldn't want BABY to be put in a situation that is not completely beneficial for her. I wouldn't want BABY to be in the middle of a strained relationship. I wouldn't want BABY to adjust to a changing environment when the relationship eventually broke apart.

Now that we are apart, I can provide an environment for her that is consistent, positive, loving and happy. And this love is all that she has ever known.

I know that many have happy, fulfilling marriages but it doesn't look like that is in the cards right now. For me, my life and my experience, I would pick single and happy, versus married and miserable any day. I am glad.

~ humps