Worst Advice? Get Married!

Last night I had a great time on a "Tweet Chat". It was for the Motherhood movie opening in select cities today, staring Uma Thurman. A number of moms and dads where discussing the ups and down, joys and triumphs of Motherhood. Some great mom bloggers were panelists (@mommadethat @sthrnfairytale @goodandcrazy @carissarogers @momdotrocks @futuremommy @MomDotRocks @mamakatslosinit @1momof5 @angiescircus) and discussions included things from favorite books, to lessons learned.

When the question "What's the worst advice that you received?" was raised, some of the responses included letting the baby cry it out, wake up the baby to feed him, having another child. Do you know what I said when that question came up. I said that the worst advice given was to GET MARRIED, and thank God that I didn't.

Too much information for an informal Tweet Chat! Yeah, maybe. I didn't have my mental
filter on. I just put it out there in the Twitterverse before I even realized that my response was drastically different from the mainstream.

But I mean it! I am so glad that I didn't get married.

I have talked about my daughter's father as Dad-To-Be on this blog and I really don't talk about him much. We were dating for about two years before I got pregnant. During that time, had long discussions about the children we would eventually have. We talked about getting married. We were happy. We never fought during those two years. We were in love.

He had moved from Toronto to Chicago (where he grew up) the summer that BABY was conceived. While in Toronto the months before, his dad was diagnotized and going through treatment for Prostate Cancer. His parents were getting a divorce after over 35 years of marriage. His siblings were picking sides. It was hard for him be in Canada while all of this was happening. We talked long and hard about him moving back. I encouraged him to. It was still heartbreaking.

I had convinced myself that I was at a point in my life and career where I could use a change of scenery. I was a few years into my career at a multinational company. I knew that US experience would help me and I was marketable. My friends and family would be sad to see me go but encouraging. I had nothing to hold me back. The plan was for him to move down and handle all of the drama that I was happening with his family. He would also pave the way for my move.

We had a five year plan.

But through all of this, I would always say that we would move back to Canada to have children - once we were married of course! I want to raise my kids in Toronto.

When I found out that I was having BABY, I was shocked. We both were. We both took it hard. But it didn't take me too long to realize that it was a gift. Luckily we found out before I left my job and before I moved. He didn't exactly see it that way.

Throughout my pregnancy, Dad-To-Be and I were going through a hard time. There were ups and downs, backs and forths - physically between the US and Canada, and emotionally. We broke up, and made up, then to break up again. People assumed that we would get married. That was the last thing on my mind - I had a lot of other things to worry about besides a wedding!!

BABY was just born when it completely fell apart. In an effort to keep all of the drama out of this blog (at least for now) I won't get into it. Basically, there were a ton of lies that uncovered itself.

Although we are still working out the role that he will play in BABY's life, I have to come to terms with what it means to be a single mom (it terrifies me even typing that), and there are lots of other issues and concerns and problems, I am happy that I didn't get married.

I wouldn't want BABY to be put in a situation that is not completely beneficial for her. I wouldn't want BABY to be in the middle of a strained relationship. I wouldn't want BABY to adjust to a changing environment when the relationship eventually broke apart.

Now that we are apart, I can provide an environment for her that is consistent, positive, loving and happy. And this love is all that she has ever known.

I know that many have happy, fulfilling marriages but it doesn't look like that is in the cards right now. For me, my life and my experience, I would pick single and happy, versus married and miserable any day. I am glad.

~ humps

Thank You

This started as a comment response to my 99 Problems post but became so long that I had to turn it into a blog entry. :)

I wanted to say thank you so much to everyone who commented. I received a great amount of advice and support, that made me laugh and cry. It astonishes me whenever someone takes the time to click on 'Comment' and write to me. Honestly. I'm so happy that you found my small little space in this crazy thing that we call the Internet. I'm really, really lucky.

Writing this post and reading the comments has become therapy for me. The first step in a lot of steps that I needed to make. I'm not sure if I'm the only one to do this but I have seen myself completely ignore the situation - because talking about it, and writing about it on this blog would make it that much more real. It would be something that I wouldn't be able to ignore. It would be concrete. I know that once I do that it, I won't be able to go back to what it was.

So I didn't. And for a long time that was working for me. It's sort of like getting a bill in the mail. And if you wait a day or two before opening it, you can - just maybe - pretend it doesn't exist.

But I've left with this HUGE elephant in the room. It's ridiculous actually.

I'm not sure if much is going to change here. I will still share the crazy things that I am thinking and feeling while I watch my adorable bab girl grow. But I know how that this space can be an outlet for more of the things that I am feeling. No one's perfect. Neither are we.

Thanks again,
humps.... but you can call me Jenine

99 problems but the baby ain't one

I have heeded the warnings. Do not drive while drunk. And even more, do not blog while pissed off. "What you say on the Internet will always come back to you," they say.

Honey girl, let me tell you.

If you've read a few posts from this blog you may have picked out a subtle but distinct element - a missing character. I don't talk about my daughter's father online and that's deliberate. There are many reasons for that. For one he's not really an "internet person" who doesn't understand blogging. We have what I like to describe as a strained relationship (ok it's worse than that) and he isn't apart of Baby's life right now. And the trials and tribulations that we go through are much easier to put behind me when they're not documented here.

I have been thinking a lot about all of this in the past couple of weeks. About what I'm going through "on that front" and the blog. And that's why I decided to write this post now. Because I'm torn.

I love this blog because what it has become. I started writing when I found out that I was having a baby. It was an outlet for me - even before a lot of my friends and family got the news - and allowed me to talk about my thoughts and feelings, joys and pains. And then people started reading it. I got to know some other moms that I have learned so much from. Now that I had my baby girl, I get to share more of the thoughts and feelings, joys and pains as a new mom. I get to document the little things along the way as she grows up. I would hate to poison that with all of the OTHER craziness. I don't want this space to be a rant. While looking back at what I have shared on this blog, I don't want to be reminded of those negative things that I am trying to forget about in my Real Life.

On the other hand, I want to be honest. I want to write like no one's reading. I don't want to hide behind a veneer of a perfect life. That has never been me and I don't want that to be the story that I tell. This isn't Sunny-Side-Up. This is just the part of my life that I actually want to talk about. I want to tell you that I have the best baby in the world, who when she wakes up doesn't cry. Instead, is so happy to see me that she gives me a big smile and waves her arms and legs. She is starting to laugh. I love watching her play and the special way that she examines her toys before putting them in her mouth. That's what I want to look back at.

But that's not everything. I am so sad for her. It makes me upset that we didn't have our shit together before she came into this world. Although her dad's an ass, I feel guilty. I want to protect her from that. I want her have the perfect life that she deserves. I have relationship issues, family issues, financial issues, work issues. But I have the best little girl ever. I don't know how that happened.

So there it is. My problems...

~ humps