Sweet Dreams

My baby girl is little. She's just five months old. She can't walk. She can't talk. She hasn't started sleeping through the night. And although she is growing up so fast, and learning to walk, talk, starting to sit up and roll over, I hold on to our late night routine. I don't mind that she isn't sleeping that full 11 hour stretch.

Half way through the night she wakes up for a feeding. I pick her up from her crib and carry her with me to bed. I nurse her laying on my side, both of us in a half slumber - slow and groggy, moving in the dark. In each other's arms it is comfortable, and warm. Awhile passes until I ease myself into sleep once again. She falls back to sleep before I do. During that time I listen to her rthymic breathing, and her head turning as she finds a comfortable position. I watch her chest move up and down, and her eyes flicker in what I imagine are reactions to her fairytale dreams. I study the shape of her open mouth, the way she curls her fingers into a fist. She is so tiny, but still so much bigger than she was just five months ago. I try to remember how small she was then. I am starting to forget. The pictures don't do it justice.

My eyes get heavy. I fall asleep. I lay perfectly still. In my dreams I think about things past and things to come. I remember the things that we did earlier in the day. The things that we did, people that we met and places that we went. Time passes.

The sun is peaking through the closed blinds of my bedroom, and another day begins. Beside me, my little girl is awake before I am. Her big brown eyes are alert and sparkling. She babbles to herself. She reaches up and touches my face, and grabs my nose. When my eyes open, her own open a little brighter. A smile blooms across her face in a way that says, "What took you so long? I'm so happy to see you." I give her kisses. Her big brown eyes and smile are the first things that I see in the morning.

Before the day begins I pinch myself - I am so lucky.

The rest of day is spent doing the silly, often embarrassing, inhibiting, immature things to get her to smile again. And if I'm lucky, to hear her beautiful laugh. We pass the hours together, until it is time for bed once again. I can't wait to do it all over.

~ humps

Will Work for Flights

The last couple of days I have been doing more blog reading than blog writing. I love discovering interesting people, websites and blogs through Twitter. Recently I have been paying as much attention to the design, sidebar elements and bios as the content on blogs. Mainly because I want to rework my blog soon - you know, when I get the time. ;)

But anyway, I was visiting the blog of someone* who I have followed on Twitter for a while. This mom does a ton of giveaways and reviews. On her Contact Us page was this:

"We love to share travel stories with our readers and frequently visit new destinations as a family. If you would like me and my family to visit your destination, I would be happy to share my travel experience with a large audience. You can learn more about some of our family travel by browsing through my travel posts."

I almost choked on my lemonade.

Are you serious? The first thing I thought was why am I wasting my time with the baby pictures when I should be writing travel posts?!! I love sharing travel stories as much as the next person. :)

For all of my friends out there I wonder, is your blog allowing you to review products and make ad money? Or, is it simply a creative outlet? Does either option work for you and why?


*I have not included the name to protect the innocent. Feel free to hit me up on Twitter @humpsNbump. We can be friends!

Worth a Thousand Words

BABY trying out her highchair for the first time. Just before 5 months, was maybe a bit too early. She is clearly giving me a look here that says, "What the hell are you thinking mommy??!!"

Dear Belly Fat

Dear Belly Fat,

It's been a long time since we last spoke. How are you?? Hope things are well.

You ran across my mind today. I was reminiscing about the years that we shared together. I just had to sit down and write you an overdue note. I haven't had time to write, but please know that you were always in my thoughts. I have always had a special place for you, Belly Fat, in my heart.

You see Belly Fat, we are BFFs. I've known you longer than most people! We shared a lot together. From baby fat to baby bump. You were there for me as long as I can remember. Elementary school, the prom, graduation - we shared some incredible moments together.

Even at my most athletic, when I turned my back on you in favour of sports and my first gym membership, you stayed by my side. You never let those training sessions, yoga classes, elliptical machines, or free weights get between us. They were never able to wear you down or wear away our connection.

Boyfriends came and went, but you stayed. School, work and play. Jobs, then internships, and the beginnings of my career. We became closer than ever - with our hold on each other growing stronger and stronger in the last few years. We shared many a sushi lunch, Mexican takeout and iced cream together. Remember those McCain Deep & Delicious nights we had? That was a blast wasn't it. Belly Fat, we had some great times hanging out.

People would be impressed by your loyalty, tenacity, perseverance Belly Fat. I am one of only a few people, I'm sure, who knows that side of you. Rolling with the punches.

And last year, when I found out that I was pregnant, you were there. During those early months, was it weird for you when people would rub you when I told them I was expecting?? Yeah they didn't know that there wasn't a baby bump there yet. But it's ok. They didn't mind touching you Belly Fat. I have to admit, that made me a little bit uncomfortable. I appreciated having you around, keeping my baby well insulated in the winter and providing amble room in the stomach area for me to grow into.

But Belly Fat, I have to be honest with you. This is tough for me to say so please bare with me. Although we have had some good times, I feel that we are moving in different directions. Belly Fat, I think that I need to move on. Now that I have had the baby - she's doing well by the way - I need to lose a few pounds.

Please do not be upset by what I am saying Belly Fat. It's not you, it's me. I have new goals - like fitting into my skinny jeans, being able to wear a bathing suit to mommy and me swimming, looking attractive in lingerie someday. Unfortunately I have to leave you behind.

Please don't try to contact me Belly Fat. I don't think that we can remain friends. The best thing that we can do it make a clean break. Go our separate ways, not looking back.

I will always remember and cherish the years that we spent together. I promise. Belly Fat, this is for the best. I wish you the best of luck in your future endeavors.

Sincerely,
humps

I Scream, You Scream

I'm an emotional eater. I guess the first thing to do is admit you have a problem. I have a problem eating.

My vice is baked goods, but anything sweet will do. Chocolate. Cupcakes. Cake! During a regular day, in a regular week, at a regular time in my life I love eating. When I'm emotional, I need to eat. It's like drugs. For that reason I try NOT to keep junk food in the house - because if it's here I will eat it. But I do have a little stash of chocolate for those times when I NEED TO HAVE IT.

For the past few weeks, I've been getting down with the baked goods. We have been sharing intimate moments together at night when Baby is asleep. I have been packing more in the shopping cart under the warm breakfast cereal and prepared salad mix. A few have come along in the diaper bag for "on the go indulgences". Earlier this week I finished a whole box of Passion Flakies in just over 24 hours. That's 6 Passion Flakies people. On the weekend I had a big bowl of iced cream with peanut butter chocolate cookies on the side. Did you hear that? I had ice cream with a side of cookies!!

Today I went on a Meetup with a couple of new moms in downtown Toronto. We went to an Ice Cream shop - a really cute one in Leslieville named Cream The Urban Dairy. It was adorable. And I had a great time with the other new moms. Afterwards took a walk down Queen Street East to visit Kids On The Hip (for the first time) and Baby On The Hip (one of my favs).

It was great to have a nice outting. But I have to be completely honest here. I RSVP'd for the Meetup for the Ice Cream! I was thinking about the Ice Cream all day! Ok I was thinking about the Ice Cream yesterday too!

Could it be possible that I like sweet things more than I like people?! Naah!! Maybe...

So I decided that I need to get myself together. I am going to quit Ice Cream and baked goods for two weeks.

Cold turkey.

Because it is clearly a problem.

Hopefully after this short detox I will be back to my old self. Enjoying people, their babies, as much as I enjoy the desert.

~ humps.... that are getting bigger and bigger

Thank You

This started as a comment response to my 99 Problems post but became so long that I had to turn it into a blog entry. :)

I wanted to say thank you so much to everyone who commented. I received a great amount of advice and support, that made me laugh and cry. It astonishes me whenever someone takes the time to click on 'Comment' and write to me. Honestly. I'm so happy that you found my small little space in this crazy thing that we call the Internet. I'm really, really lucky.

Writing this post and reading the comments has become therapy for me. The first step in a lot of steps that I needed to make. I'm not sure if I'm the only one to do this but I have seen myself completely ignore the situation - because talking about it, and writing about it on this blog would make it that much more real. It would be something that I wouldn't be able to ignore. It would be concrete. I know that once I do that it, I won't be able to go back to what it was.

So I didn't. And for a long time that was working for me. It's sort of like getting a bill in the mail. And if you wait a day or two before opening it, you can - just maybe - pretend it doesn't exist.

But I've left with this HUGE elephant in the room. It's ridiculous actually.

I'm not sure if much is going to change here. I will still share the crazy things that I am thinking and feeling while I watch my adorable bab girl grow. But I know how that this space can be an outlet for more of the things that I am feeling. No one's perfect. Neither are we.

Thanks again,
humps.... but you can call me Jenine

99 problems but the baby ain't one

I have heeded the warnings. Do not drive while drunk. And even more, do not blog while pissed off. "What you say on the Internet will always come back to you," they say.

Honey girl, let me tell you.

If you've read a few posts from this blog you may have picked out a subtle but distinct element - a missing character. I don't talk about my daughter's father online and that's deliberate. There are many reasons for that. For one he's not really an "internet person" who doesn't understand blogging. We have what I like to describe as a strained relationship (ok it's worse than that) and he isn't apart of Baby's life right now. And the trials and tribulations that we go through are much easier to put behind me when they're not documented here.

I have been thinking a lot about all of this in the past couple of weeks. About what I'm going through "on that front" and the blog. And that's why I decided to write this post now. Because I'm torn.

I love this blog because what it has become. I started writing when I found out that I was having a baby. It was an outlet for me - even before a lot of my friends and family got the news - and allowed me to talk about my thoughts and feelings, joys and pains. And then people started reading it. I got to know some other moms that I have learned so much from. Now that I had my baby girl, I get to share more of the thoughts and feelings, joys and pains as a new mom. I get to document the little things along the way as she grows up. I would hate to poison that with all of the OTHER craziness. I don't want this space to be a rant. While looking back at what I have shared on this blog, I don't want to be reminded of those negative things that I am trying to forget about in my Real Life.

On the other hand, I want to be honest. I want to write like no one's reading. I don't want to hide behind a veneer of a perfect life. That has never been me and I don't want that to be the story that I tell. This isn't Sunny-Side-Up. This is just the part of my life that I actually want to talk about. I want to tell you that I have the best baby in the world, who when she wakes up doesn't cry. Instead, is so happy to see me that she gives me a big smile and waves her arms and legs. She is starting to laugh. I love watching her play and the special way that she examines her toys before putting them in her mouth. That's what I want to look back at.

But that's not everything. I am so sad for her. It makes me upset that we didn't have our shit together before she came into this world. Although her dad's an ass, I feel guilty. I want to protect her from that. I want her have the perfect life that she deserves. I have relationship issues, family issues, financial issues, work issues. But I have the best little girl ever. I don't know how that happened.

So there it is. My problems...

~ humps