December 9, 2009

I don't know how to change diapers...

It's sad really. That I've been able to go this long without knowing how to change diapers. My daughter is seven months old for goodness sake. I am her primary caregiver. And she goes through a lot of diapers. Many of them every single day.

But it has taken me this long to admit that I don't know what I'm doing in the diaper department.

Before I had her, I changed a few diapers. I felt like I knew what I was doing. When I had her I changed a couple of diapers in the hospital. I felt like I knew what I was doing. A nurse came and bathed her. She didn't comment that the diapering wasn't right. I watched as she put a new diaper on BABY and I felt like I knew what I was doing. In the days, and weeks, and months that followed, I did diapers with confidence. People would marvel at my diapering skills. They would say, "Wow! You can really change a diaper. That was so fast!" I accepted these compliments.

And now, I am humbled.

Because ANYONE can change a diaper on a new baby. One that stays where you put them. One that is interested in paying attention to you when you lay them on their back.

Not EVERYONE can change a diaper on a seven month old baby who doesn't want to lay still. Who turns over, and grabs at the new diaper, and sticks her foot in the poopy diapers, and kicks you in the stomach, and tries to slitter away, and wails her arms, and rips off your glasses, and doesn't want to wear a diaper AT ALL.

I don't know what I am doing. I'm not equipped for these kind of war-like attacks on the diaper doer. I wasn't sufficiently trained in diaper combat. I need some kind of diaper ninja in my corner. Some kind of highly skilled diaper wrestler. Someone to do some diaper magic.

So I enlisted a few new diaper changing strategies: (I) The distraction technique. This is where you stun the opponent with new and unusual objects / sounds / actions while the diapering continues - often to their shear and utter surprise. I started with small toys. Things that made noise. I tried singing songs. I have now resorted to using my cellphone and the remote control - the things that I venomously fought against her getting a hold of. But when it comes to diapers, a mom's gotta do... And that leads me to my next tactic. (II) The three-armed bandit. Set baby on colorful padded playmat on the floor. Be certain that diaper change items are at close reach but not close enough that baby can throw them at you. Hold baby down with left hand and right foot. Change diaper with right hand. Stay home from yoga. You've had enough of a work out.

And when in doubt, set some newspaper on the floor and let the kid roam free. Let nature take it's course. I'd like to think that is more environmentally conscious anyway.

~ humps

P.S. (Yeah I know people don't have P.S.s on blog posts but hell this is mine.) You know what just occurred to me?! Walking!! What am I gonna do? Someone teach me how to change diapers!


Nena on 12:30:00 PM said...

HAHAHA - I love it. Mine is not crawling yet- but its still tough. My DS who is 3 yo is not potty trained yet and that is ALWAYS drama. Good luck :)

humpsNbump on 10:21:00 PM said...

Nena - I'm wondering why no one told me about this?! I have broken into a sweat during diaper changes. Not exaggerating.

~ humps

claire on 1:39:00 AM said...

yeaaaah try changing a diaper on a squirming determined two year old! it's a blast! hahah

humpsNbump on 11:25:00 AM said...

Claire - I can't even imagine!!

~ humps

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