January 23, 2009

Why can't I get it together?

I should be at home with my feet up and a tray of brownies resting on my belly while watching some not-too-much-thought-needed TV. It is a Friday night after all. Everyone in my department has left. And I can probably guess that everyone in the office has left. I only hear the hum of fluorescent lights and my own breathing.

While I am usually a late worker – I am brain dead in the morning – I don’t know why I’m letting myself work late. And, work on weekends (I have for the past three weeks and will tomorrow). Shit, I’m pregnant. I’ve been pretty good at playing the pregnancy card.

I’m too tired to build a more rationale diagnosis of my workaholic psychosis so I’m just gonna throw out some random thoughts. Indulge me while I brainstorm a little. Could it be that:
- I have become so connected to my career and this particular job for the last several years that I’m finding it hard to let go.
- The fact that my boss, as nice and supportive and positive as she is, doesn’t have children and doesn’t understand.
- I worry about leaving things half started and abandoning my work for a year (I’m hoping to take a full year of matt leave – as allowed in Canada, although the financial impacts is SCARY).
- I’m trying to do a year’s full of work by March and putting too much pressure on myself.
- I’m still in denial about the baby and trying to distract myself in work.
- I’m making myself feel more comfortable and in control – work I know, motherhood and what’s ahead for the next year I don’t.
- I am afraid that I won’t be good at it – being a mother that is.

In the back (but not so deep) of my mind I know that my life will change dramatically in 3 months – and in some big ways already has. I know that the things that I care about and stew over will be so trivial and insignificant with my new priorities and perspectives. But I can’t help but be a little scared that it will be a sudden change and not a gradual one. In addition to all the physical preparation, will I have time for the emotional and intellectual preparation too? Moms out there how are you or did you do it?


Anonymous said...

Oh my god, three months?! I've been following you since like... week ten. Time flies!

I would just about die to have brownies.. mmm... maybe it is time to make a run to the grocery store.

Anonymous said...

Also, to comment more on what you wrote... from where I stand, I cling to life "as it is" before motherhood because it is familiar, and I don't really know any other way to be. It's not that I don't appreciate being pregnant, it's that I don't feel like there's a whole lot of productive change I can make in my life right now, you know? Like there's no reason why I can't keep cooking dinner, or carrying laundry -- I just take breaks while doing dinner, and carry smaller baskets of laundry while taking the elevator instead of the stairs. What else am I supposed to do with the time otherwise? Knit baby outfits? Sing songs to my belly? Fold the baby clothes AGAIN? Hehee... !

humpsNbump on 3:57:00 PM said...

I know it has gone by soooo quickly!! Hard to believe it.

And thanks so much for sharing your experience. Glad that I'm not the only one "holding on".

~ humps

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