Angels

On Sunday, my little angel was baptized. While I haven't talked about religious beliefs - and all that jazz - on this blog, I couldn't help but celebrate this day in her life. In both of our lives. It was an emotional day for me.

You see, I started going to this church less than a year before I got knocked up with BABY - for lack of a better description. It was a time when I was just beginning to explore the possibility of moving to US, when a close friend and I were having a conversation about church. We talked about going to church as a child and what that was like. We talked about how long it has been since we have been back and how life - just being a young adult in the city - so easily got in the way. We talked about a lot.

There were a handful of beautiful old churches in the city. We decided that we would check a few out and see what it was like. See if we could make a church connection and maybe give this whole "religious" thing a try. I mean it is one thing to believe in a maker and another thing entirely to be a full fledged church member!

One Sunday morning I ironed my clothes, broke open a new box of pantyhose, put on a nice but not sexually suggestive pair of heels. It was like I was going on a very conservative date: wanting it go well, a natural connection, to be comfortable and not wanting to say something stupid. "Please don't swear, please don't swear, please don't swear!" Add to that the unique dance that is church going: standing and sitting at the right moments, singing at the right volume.

We arrived at the church and found a place to sit a few rows from the back. We smiled at the people sitting around us. We stood and sat at the appropriate moments. We sung all of the hymns with the appropriate level of volume and enthusiasm. We didn't swear. Most importantly we listened. The pastor was a younger man standing in front of the backdrop of an older church - I would learn later that he was a thirty-something new father. He was starting a sermon series. When he talked, I felt like he was talking to us. It was just that relevant. I had Goosebumps. When it was over, before we got up to gather our things, we looked at each other. We came back the following week.

When the time came, I was more scared about telling people at my new church that I was pregnant than anyone in my life, because well nothing says SINNER than having a baby out of wedlock. I mean, really! Isn't that their whole deal?! I felt like having a baby was my own Scarlet Letter.

I am happy to say that it wasn't like that at all. And I now believe that having my little girl is a blessing. That I was given the most incredible gift. That God doesn't make mistakes. That I was suppose to find this church before I had her. That there is something to learn in all that I have and continue to go through.

And this weekend, when we stood beside the other families who were baptizing their children that day, I was trying really hard to hold in emotions. To the right of me were these families that I have grown to know, with a mom and dad. A small part of me pained that this wasn't the picture that I was presenting to the world. But to the left were my daughter's God Parents and all of my family and friends that were there to support us. I looked at them, and they smiled back at us. I looked out into the crowd and saw all of the people's faces that I now know. I looked down at this little girl that I held who looked back at me with big brown eyes. And I knew that it was perfect. And I exhaled.

My little angel. In. Every. Way.

~ humps