Humps and Baby Bump

Baggage

2011-02-11T18:42:00.000-05:00

I’m in the airport.

That’s not particularly notable. I’ve spent a fair bit of time in airplanes, airports - travelling to and through them. Since BABY was born, we’ve traveled a fair bit. We’ve got the hang of maneuvering through airplanes and airports with strollers and car seats, and baby bags and bottles. Throughout the years I’ve done my fair share of business travel for work.

But this is week was the first time I have traveled for work since having the kid. This story is less about airports and airplanes, it’s more about baggage. Of the emotional variety. Because although I don’t have to worry about gate checked strollers and bottles in carry-ons and lap child holding positions, I have enough emotional baggage to put me overweight – metaphorically and literally.

I’ve never been away from BABY for more than a night, much less a week. And I’m gutted. I’m taking this pretty hard. I’m taking it much hard than she is. And I’ve coped by drinking lots of wine and telling everyone who crosses path about the little bugger. I’ve showed lots of strangers baby pictures - whether they’re interested or not.

If I could make the plane fly faster I would. But most of all, I can’t wait to get home for my fill of hugs and kisses and cuddles. By the suitcase-load.

Now and Then, Again

2011-02-06T01:22:00.005-05:00

When does it hit you that the life that you are living now is different from the life that you once had – maybe one year, two years, five years ago? Maybe ten. We all go through this, I’m sure, in the process of growing up and finding that our priorities, lifestyle, people around us change. I can’t speak for every woman who is now a mother. I don’t know if as a collective we all feel that life is different. But I do. It’s different for me.

I was driving on a Saturday afternoon in the summertime, BABY in the car seat behind me. I had the window cracked just a little bit – more and tissue paper peaking out of the gift bag on my passenger seat would have been disturbed. I was flipping through songs on the children’s CD that played through the speakers. Wheels on the Bus? Old MacDonald? We were on our way to a children’s birthday party. I was looking forward to it more than she was.

My cell started to ring and I reached into my bag to get it. I looked at the Caller ID. It was a close friend in Miami. Before I even answered the phone, my life flashed before my eyes. I thought about what she would be doing on her weekend (young, single, having lots of fun) and what I used to do (young, single, having an ok amount of fun) and how that wasn’t very long ago. And now the highlight of my weekend – ok of the month, let’s be honest here – was going to a children’s party and listening to kids music on the way there.

***

Today we had another children’s birthday party that I’d have to admit was the highlight of not only the day but the month. Now BABY and I sing along to Wheels on the Bus and Old MacDonald together – it’s not just me. I’ve settled into the new priorities, lifestyle and people around me. But the flashbacks still surface. And it happened again today. Long after the party was over. Long after the loot bag was played with, the nap was complete, and dinner and bath and bed were behind us.

In a casual conversation over text I asked a friend what they were doing tonight. “Nothing much, prob play some cards with the boys.” Flash! Flash to the set of poker chips in a box somewhere, the felt table cover that I used during poker nights at my place, the shot glasses that made an appearance by the end of it all. Flash to the marathon Texas Hold’ Em tournament at a cottage for the weekend. Flash to the night that I cleaned up at Black Jack, flash to the casino games I played in the Dominican with an ex boyfriend, flash to the night I went All-In in strip poker. End with the realization that it changed so fast, so suddenly. End with the realization that I haven’t even shuffled a deck of cards since I (knew I) was pregnant. I forgot that somewhere outside my life, with the baby, and the kids party and the Wheels on the Bus, that people still did that.

Is that strange?

If you’ve read to this point, I don’t want you to think that I was ultra reckless. But I didn’t have much of a transition from being the person I was then to the mother I am now. I was in my twenties, living in downtown Toronto, so in love with my boyfriend but also with a healthy social life. I was investing in my career but still meeting friends at the Thursday happy hour. It was about me. It was about freedom and independence. And then boom. Like the Road Runner barreling into a hard brick wall, life changed. There was no playing house with a new husband. No figuring out that we didn’t like the same colour towels, or turkey bacon or the thermostat at 75. No babying each other before an actual baby. No practice puppy. Just the very real positive pregnancy test, and everything else that comes after that.

I can’t help be sobered by the thought of then and now. My life.

~ humps

Homing from Work

2010-12-30T14:23:00.002-05:00

I am a full time working mom. Both full time mom-ing and full time work-ing. And today I have been, similar to many days in the last few months, writing blog posts in my mind. Writing blog post in my mind is not quite as fulfilling as chair dancing but it's surprisingly efficient.

I can write blog posts in my mind while taking a shower, getting BABY ready for daycare, commuting. I can write blog posts in my mind during status meetings and presentations. I can write blog posts in my mind while grocery shopping, cleaning and cooking. My best blog posts in my mind are crafted during those hazy moments before I go I settle into REM sleep or just between snooze one and snooze two in the morning.

Just this past week I have dreamt up engaging blog posts about the holiday, love and marriage, a recent visit to Florida for a family member's funeral, the second Christmas for BABY, Kwanzaa, a year in review, New Years Resolutions, why I need a vacation. And today, I thought of a couple more blog posts as I rolled into the office. Yes, I am one of the few brave souls that is working today. (It seemed like a good idea at the time).

As one of the brave souls holding down the fort at our office this week, I had to physically be here. Since my daughter has a doctor's appointment this afternoon I thought it would be easier if I brought her to the office with me. Afterall, I'm one of the only ones here anyway. Her doctor is close to my office. And, there's no way I can leave her, pick her up from daycare and make the appointment in time. Bringing a toddler to the office is something that I must blog about - outloud that is.

How has my day been so far? Well...

9:05 am - Arrive at office.

9:13 am - Bang funnybone on desk trying to unload huge purse with laptop, gym bag with BABY gear, one toddler in full winter gear. Try not to drop toddler in full winter gear.

9:16 am - Greet Vice President as she pass your office and laughs out loud at the hilarity. Turn on computer so that you can look at least partially productive.

9:18 am - Set up BABY in chair beside desk with paper and crayons.

9:21 am - Remove crayons that BABY is now trying to eat. Replace with Playdough, cookie cutters and other plastic tools.

9:22 am - Empty gym bag of all toys in hopes that something will catch her attention. Realize that the usual suspects - those loud toys with the lights and songs and silly phrases do not compare to a brand new, never been drolled on - well maybe a couple times - office.

9:29 am - Create fort using office chairs, toys, stacks of books, aforementioned toddler winter gear.

9:33 am - Break out the snacks!!

9:35 am - Clean up ground Cheerios, Goldfish and Blueberries from Carpet.

9:45 am - Allow toddler to play with phone, keyboard, pens, calculator. Hope that this can hold attention for the next seven hours.

9:55 am - Realize that not even an hour has passed.

9:56 am - Visit coworkers around the office. Allow toddler to run down hallways. Hope this feel mean an early naptime.

10:21 am - Try to talk unsuspecting coworker into babysitting for a few minutes. Or hours. Doesn't work.

10:38 am - Find other office supplies that can double as toddler play things.

10:41 am - Snacks? Anything left? Snacks!

10:51 am - Reintroduce toys. Look at your own toy laptop and cellphone!

11:37 am - Lunch time!

11:59 pm - Regret bringing lunch that is sooo messy.

12:00 pm - Turn off lights in office, put in lullaby CD and pray.

12:29 pm - Put BABY into stroller to sleep beside desk.

12:31 pm - Begin blog post and importantly countdown to quiting time in my mind.

Let's see how the rest of the day shapes up.

~humps

It's the little things like this that make me happy!

2010-09-02T23:01:00.009-04:00

Have you ever come across something and were so impressed that you wanted to tell everyone about it? Yes! Well that just happened to me about 30 minutes ago.

This is not a sponsored post. This is genuine blog loving.

I'm pretty close to becoming a professional bridesmaid. I'm the maid of honour in one of my best friend's wedding at the end of October. I am absolutely over the moon for her. So in love with her husband to be (he's already my daughter God Father) and eager to do anything that I can to help. Another one of my close friends has asked me to be a bridesmaid in her weddding - set for next summer.

Planning the bridal shower for wedding number 1 right now, and just like I did for baby's first birthday, soaking up as much online inspiration as I can. In the process I came across Printable Press. They're a great online source of invitations. They allow you to customize invitation themes, and then print them yourself.

Just choose the theme, it can be customized in as early as a week, download the final files as a PDF and print yourself. Whether it's 20 or 200 your costs are the same. With pricing like $70 for the invitation, $30 for the response card and insert card, $40 save the date, you can't go wrong.

My only disclaimer is that I have't ordered it myself. But with designs like these how can you not be excited!

Beautiful and genius. Not only will I tell my bride to be friends, I also wanted to share with you too.

~ humps

Deflated

2010-08-13T22:00:00.006-04:00

I was bent over. Arms reaching in opposite directions. Trying to fold my right leg diagonally to the left and my left leg to the right. My head was touching the ground. It was like that round of Twister in my high-school atrium, just 60 pounds heaver with mom boobs and greying hair.

I was deflating the kiddie pool. Or should I say, the kiddie pool was deflating me.

When they say hindsight is 20/20, I think they are specifically addressing Wal-Mart purchases. In the aisle of their seasonal section that hot day, the big inflatable pool seemed like the best possible option. And those extra features! Oh boy! The inflatable arches. The momma dinosaur with inflatable head and tail. The inflatable toys. How amazing. BABY will just love it. This will make her summer.

It started to become clearer that this might be a bad idea when I took that purchase home. When I took the pool out of the package and tried to unfold the bright coloured plastic, I noticed those many many air valves in the various crevaces in the many locations on the pool. And, to make a scary situation even scarier, ten of my biggest and hottest breaths of air made no difference to the pool's lifeless state.

I got in the car with that pool in the backseat - beside the carseat - and drove to the gas station. I pulled up beside the air pump. Did you know that you have to PAY for air at the gas station now-a-days? Not really sure when that started or why. I took out my walet, plugged quarters into the machine, and started to get to work our brand new inflatable pool. Many dollars and rounds of purchased air later, I was craming an inflated pool - arches, dinosaur head, toys and all - into the trunk and folded down seats of my sedan, beside the carseat. As I slowly drove back home, I held my breath (that I still had thankfully) and prayed that the inflatable pool, now somewhat tucked into my car but not really, wouldn't pick up the wind and blow away on the busy throughway from the gas station to our house.

The memories were flooding back this weekend. While I was on mission pool deflation, thinking that I was letting out some pretty expensive air, I tried to calculate the time that my daughter actually spent playing in the pool. I tried to count the number of air valves for those wonderful extra features: the inflatable arches, the momma dinosaur with inflatable head and tail, the inflatable toys. I tried to map out where to hold and grab and step and twist to get the air out. I tried to count the time that it would to get it deflated.

And as I lay on my back in the grass, with my right arm reaching to the right and the left arm reaching to the left I couldn't help but smile. Can't wait to do it all again next year.

~ humps

The Humidity Diet

2010-07-07T22:44:00.006-04:00

It's freaking hot. Northeastern US and Central Canada - including where I am in Toronto - are under the vice of a heat wave that has lasted for the past few days. There are extreme heat alerts, heat advisories, UV warnings, smog advisories, humidex advisories. However you slice it, the weather is making even the most die-hard fans of warm summers days, like myself, run for cover in the air conditioning. Yesterday, I went out over the lunch period and feared, to be quite honest with you, that I might melt into asphalt. It was sick and disturbing.

As I sat under the AC vent in my office with my blouse unbuttoned to career-limiting degrees, it occurred to me - a miraculous benefit to the crazy weather. A benefit it is much need and surely will be embraced by many. I'd like to call it the Humidity Diet. There are just three key elements:

1. Avoid any extraneous physical activity to acquire food, such as going to the grocery store, grocery shopping, packing groceries and loading groceries into a vehicle.

- This will encourage you to optimize the food that you do have on hand. It requires true creativity to make a family meal with tuna, condensed soup, pie filling and saltine crackers. Think of it as a culinary experiment and opportunity to watch those calories. Plus slaving over the stove must be good too.

2. Don't go anywhere. If you are fortunate enough to be able to spend your daytime hours in an air conditioned environment, don't go anywhere. If you are home, stay home. If you are at work, stay at work. Waiting out the peak period is a blessing. You can re-emerge in the evening, when you are less likely to melt into the asphalt.

- There are waistline benefits of this too. You are encourage to plan and prepare lunches ahead of time. Your organizational skills will blow others away and increase your confidence. Not going outside can only boost your productivity. I see a raise in your future.

- If you have forgotten to bring a lunch, you can still benefit. Scrounging around the office for lunch - that granola bar in your desk drawer, cheese stick in your purse, peppermints on your co-worker's desk and cup of coffee could be a suitable, impromptu meal and great lesson in portion control.

3. If you do go outside, aim for the hottest time of the day - noon! If you're lucky, you will happen upon other lunch-goers on the roads, in the parking lots, and food establishments of your community. Bonding with others and fostering your patience and empathy, particularly during extremely uncomfortable temperatures, is great for your personal development.

- The potential weight loss benefits are numerous! The sweltering midday humidity has been known to suppress appetites. Chances are that you will opt for a lighter lunch or skip the meal all together. (Zero calories are the best kind of calories.) Plus, you'll be sweating a whole lot too. That's good for at least a few pounds of water weight. A portable sauna, for free!

I encourage to you embrace the humidly this summer and think of it as an opportunity to shed a few lbs. Please note: like any new diet or fitness regime, consult your doctor.

~ humps

Confessions of a Man-Hater

2010-07-05T21:53:00.003-04:00

I am not a bust the windows of your car, throw your clothes out of the window, light your house on fire type of woman. I wouldn't say that I am a woman scorned. I tend not to use loaded, overly passionate words like Hate too often.

I am a single parent. I raise my hand as a person with relationship issues (because I am either a terrible judge of character or naive, and someone who can't "make it work".) I am jaded. I am skeptical. Where I once believed in love at first sight and happily ever after, I sit in the cold, wet reality on the outside of that fairytale. "Snap out of it kid. Life doesn't work like that."

Although I can go on and on about how these feelings are internalized, I am very comfortable admitting that I blame men for these issues. Not a man, or a few men, I blame MEN. All of them. I blame MEN when it comes to relationships.

MEN are dogs. MEN suck. MEN are selfish. MEN will break your hearts, if you let them.

Sure they are good, great even, at lots of things. They have wonderful qualities. I'm not convinced, though, that MEN can do one to one relationships. Not sure how to explain why I feel that way other than to say that I'm holding out for evidence. I have lots of examples to the negative, not many examples to the positive. Generalization? Yes.

Yes, I am extrapolating the experiences from one and cascading it to the billions. I am generalizing a gender. I have used my great wisdom earned from just a few broken hearts to fuel blacklisting of many.

I may not say it out loud but I am living in my "man hating world" when I meet your husband, boyfriend, fiance. Through my voice you'll hear "Nice to meet you!" or "How's it going?" but there's a fairly good chance that I'm thinking "He seems ok for now" or "Hope he doesn't fuck up" or "This is not going to end well".

This post is called Confessions of a Man-Hater for a reason. I am a closet man hater. I am a man hater who you would never suspect could be slinging such man hate.

Is there hope yet for me to escape my man-hating ways? I hope so. I hope that somehow this dark, abandonned heart will be warmed. I hope that I will wake up to the sun shining into my window and forget what it feels like to say "you suck" under my breath. I hope that I will turn the corner one day, moving forward to the horizon hate-free. I hope that I will put on my coat from seasons' past to find my rose-colored glasses in the side pocket and I will love love more than I hate men.

But right now I am wallowing in my untrusting, unbiased, unwaivering, funky to the core, brickwalls too high to surpass man hate.

These are just my confessions as a man-hater.

When do working moms blog?

2010-06-14T22:17:00.004-04:00

I went back to work and fell off the face of the earth. Not just on this blog. Not just on Twitter. Not just in the many areas that have filled my time since BABY was born. Everywhere. To everyone. I went back to work and don't know how I am able to write this message. I am tired.

I returned to work after a wonderful year of maternity leave. I had an amazing, rewarding, special, unforgettable year off when BABY was born. I feel so luck to have been able to take that time for the little one. Given the current state of my bank account and credit rating, I knew that the fun was coming to an end. All things considered, I was excited about returning back to the working world.

To say that it is an adjustment is an understatement of severe portions. I am exhausted. I am stressed. I miss my daughter terribly. There's no better way to put it.

Knowing that my return was during a very busy time of year for my job, I was expecting some level of craziness. To be completely honest, I wasn't prepared for how different life would be as a working mom.

No one told me how crazy it would be! So, I compiled a list.

Top 10 things no one tells you about being a working mom:
1. "Priorities" and "Work-Life Balance" take on a new meaning and a regular place in your vocabulary.
2. You will feel guilty every minute that you are away from your kid.
3. Make-work and things that waste your time will be more frustrating than ever before.
4. You will do all that you can to get home in time to see the look of shear elation on your kid's face each night.
5. Your single coworkers will think you're a slacker for leaving work "early".
6. You will need to take many days off for doctor's appointments, sick days, tummy bugs, fevers - both you and the kid.
7. Your single coworkers will think you're a slacker for working at home.
8. Working at home is nearly impossible with a screaming one year old.
9. Between the high cost of daycare and other baby related expenses it will feel like you are working for free.
10. You will miss blogging.

Fellow moms at work now muse about the adjustments. All I can ask is where was this information before?

~ humps

Having A Child

2010-05-09T23:37:00.003-04:00

"Making the decision to have a child -it's momentous. It is to decide forever to have your heart go walking around outside your body." -Elizabeth Stone

Happy Mother's Day. Hope that all of the mother's in your life had a great day.

And then she was ONE...

2010-05-03T22:51:00.005-04:00

I woke up one morning and I had a one year old. I don't quite know how it all happened. I really didn't see it coming. I was still in the 8-month old stage. I was still in the baby cuddles, sleeping on my chest, holding my finger as tight as possible stage. I was still in the needing me for everything stage.

But now I have a one year old. I have a toddler. I have an independent, let me do it, try to catch me if you can, I need to figure it out one year old. My baby girl is not a baby anymore. She's a one year old...

~ humps

I Eat My Words

2010-04-12T22:03:00.002-04:00

Despite what I said in this post, it is late at night on a Monday. And while BABY sleeps, I am putting together lootbags.... and paper flowers, and Martha Pom Poms, and centerpieces. I have more scrap paper and glue sticks and tissue paper and plastic coated wire and half inch wooden dowels on my kitchen table than I ever thought possible. If you would have told me that I would be doing all this for my daughter's first birthday, I would have shaken my head and said that was crazy talk.

But I'm sucker, with a need to please. The guilt of going back to work - next week! - just days before BABY turns one is conjuring up crafting skills that I didn't know existed.

More on my anxiety-ridden month - with second chances for her Dad, putting BABY in daycare, starting work and planning a first birthday - coming up soon.

And now, I must finish my crafts...

~ humps

Warm Front

2010-04-01T01:13:00.003-04:00

When the weather in Toronto warms up a bit, there is a palpable excitement.

We are so used to hibernating during the months of Winter. Used to layering long johns and fleece and knit scarves and toques until we are covered from toe to head. Used to running to warm up the car, then running back to the house, then running back to a still cold car. Used to leaving for work when it's dark outside and coming back home when it's dark. When we see neighbors we commiserate about the shitty weather.

Then comes a warm front from the west. It seems to coincide with the longer days in Spring. We receive a combination of higher temperatures, and wait a minute, is that, sunshine!

People wake up out of the fog that is winter and step into the light. We flock to the light like moths. We are all hungry for it. We want the air to drift into our open car windows, to blow into our open jackets. Kids run outside with basketballs under their arms or sandboxes on their minds. Office workers take their lunches to park benches or cinder block planters. We congregate to the nearest patio, even if we have to still huddle together in this small tease of good weather. Mothers with strollers take long, leisurely walks.

BABY learned to crawl and walk over the winter. She perfected her abilities on the living room rug, the worn down pile of indoor playground carpet, on clinical tile and on hardwood.

Yesterday, after taking our own leisurely walk around the block, with our jackets open, I took her out of her stroller. We sat on the grass. The grass that was still cold and brown from last week's temperatures. She walked and stumbled. She reached for the grass and took baby sized handfuls out of the earth. She held it out to me. "Grass!" I said. "That is grass!" She nodded in understanding. She looked at me and wobbled in the other direction.

This is going to be a great summer.
~ humps

A Photo Retrospective

2010-03-23T23:14:00.013-04:00

Tomorrow my little baby will be 11 months old. I can’t believe that time has flown so fast. Very soon she will be a 1 year. Very soon she won’t be my little baby. And, if you have read a few of my posts you will know that I am very sentimental about my little muffin, monkey, pumpkin, sugar face growing so quickly.

Words can’t do it justice.

So instead, here are some never blogged before pictures of the little one over the last 11 months. It's rare for me to post pictures so this is a special treat. And tell me, wouldn't you want her to stay little like I do?!

~ humps

I Cheered

2010-03-09T22:46:00.003-05:00

I wasn't paying attention. My head was down washing dishes while Baby played with her toys in the living room. I looked up periodically to make sure that she was ok. That she wasn't climbing furniture, or eating books, or getting into trouble. That she was safe.

When I rounded the corner she was standing up, holding onto the couch and facing me. She's been cruising for months so it wasn't too unusual. Finding interesting ways to make it across the room, holding on to various edges at varying heights. But this time she let go. And took two confident and exaggerated steps to the side. Without holding on.

I froze. "Am I seeing what I think I'm seeing? Is she? Is she walking?!!"

It took some time for the wires that connect my eyes with my brain to signal that I was in fact watching a fairly significant milestone. I was watching her take her very first steps at 10 months. It took even more time for my brain to tell the rest of my body exactly what I needed to do about it. Should I get the camera?

And like that my knees gave out. I feel to the floor and did what any excited-first-time-mother watching-her-little-baby-take-a-first-step would do. I cheered. I hollered. I waved my hands. I'm not sure if I was actually saying anything in particular, like "Go! Go! Go!" or if it was random jibberish. But whatever it was scared the crap out of her. She fell down on her butt. She looked at me.

In hindsight, the cheering maybe wasn't the best way to handle the situation. I can put myself in her shoes and appreciate that learning how to walk is hard enough without someone screaming in your face. But I was so excited.

The next day, I wasn't sure if I really saw her first steps or if I imagined it. Then she did it again. I didn't say anything. The day after that she took more steps. She can now make it from the couch to the TV. She is demonstrating her walk abilities a lot. She is mastering this walking thing.

And in order to help her, I don't say anything. I don't fall to my knees. And I only cheer a tiny, tiny bit.

~ humps

Going, Going, Grey

2010-03-04T22:37:00.003-05:00

It was a busy day. Waking up late after a night of crying baby. Rushing through breakfast, and that weird dance of getting self and child ready. Showers and toothpaste and onesies and baby lotion. Did I put on deodorant? We were already behind schedule. I was trying to calculate if I had enough gas to make it to the destination, or if I should stop. How much time would that add on? Did I have cash? Am I going to find parking? Snacks! I should make sure to pack some snack in the diaper bag. And more diapers. And refill the wipes container. Don't forget an extra change of clothes. I bundled BABY up in her snowsuit, then her stroller. She looked up at me, barely able to move, with her pink and brown winter hat falling over her eyes. Why did I bundle her up so much? We were only going to the elevator and underground parking garage. Naah, leave her. I should bring the stroller with me.

We got home hours later, after many miles, spilled pear slices, circles around the block for parking, and gas station fumes. I put off meeting a friend for dinner to buy some time for an afternoon nap - BABY not me - and a snack - me not BABY.

I went into the washroom convinced that I should just put on some lipgloss - because surely shiny lips will distract from my exhaustion. As I bent over the sink, I saw it. The light danced over it and like a mirror reflecting rays of sun it caught my eye. As plain as day. A grey hair.

What? Huh? Is that a...

It was a grey hair staring at me on the other end of the mirror. I wiped the top of my head at first, because I really didn't want to overreact about some fluff. Then I leaned into the mirror and isolated the curly strand that sat on top of my head. It was attached alright. It was just like the other hairs that lay around it. But this one was white. Very white. My first grey hair.

My mind immediately re-traced my steps today. Recognizing that (1) I was walking around with a grey hair all day today. When did this happen exactly? And (2) my daughter is giving me grey hairs.

My not one to blame others, but really, how else could this have happened. Clearly my mom lifestyle is sending a message to my body that says, "Pack it in! She's a mom. Game over!". I'm too freaking young to have grey hairs.

After a few emergency phone calls - gotta reach out to the life line on things like this - I pulled the grey hair out by the root. And so it begins....

~ humps

(Single) Mother

2010-02-28T01:40:00.003-05:00

I could hardly form the words, when I first wrote about being a single mom on this blog. My fingers didn't want to type them. My mind didn't want to go there. I didn't want to say the words out loud. I felt defeated. I felt outed. I felt like a failure. I felt like a bad mother.

When I finally admitted to myself that I wasn't going to keep trying to make my relationship work, it took a while to fully accept what that meant to the other areas of my life… and yes how I was going to parent my daughter was one of them. Still getting used my new role as a “mother”, I wasn’t ready to take on the 100 pound weight of the “single mother” label. As weird as that may seem, I felt that “single mother” had so many connotations that I wasn’t ready to accept.

Last weekend, I went out for dinner and drinks with a group of eight women. All of us were virtually strangers. Few had met at previous events, some had exchanged emails and phone calls prior to that night. But none of us knew much more of one another than the few details that we posted on the Meetup.com group that we are part of. We are all single mothers.

As soon as I sat down at the table, my nervousness about meeting a group of new women disappeared. The conversation was easy. The laughter contagious. The sense of community palpable.

To the right of me was a mother still healing from the breakup of her marriage, just 6 months ago. Across the table was a mother of four – ages 8,7,6,5!! – who proclaimed that she would rather be single and happy, than married and miserable. Beside her, a mother who divorced her husband while pregnant with their first child. Sneaking in last, a mother of seven-month old twins, who at nearly 50 decided not to give up her dream of being a mother merely because she was single.

It made me realize that the tapestry of single motherhood, really is that, a tapestry. Made up of so many incredible women who are solo parenting, whether by choice or not, whether they were ready, or not. All of us incredible, powerful, and wonderful mothers.

It was just what I needed to experience. I feel like I am coming into my own as a new person, a new mother and a single mother. And it feels ok.

~ humps

Point of No Return

2010-02-15T23:46:00.001-05:00

I call it the Point of No Return. The exact moment when a mother realizes that her boobs will never be the same again. And that moment for me was Friday, February 12th at 11:55 am.

After nursing BABY on Friday, I held her up. When I looked down to adjust my shirt, put the boob back to it's secure holding place, I noticed that there just wasn't as much there as before. Not the typically kind of post-nursing deflation. No. It was something else. I knew then and there - holding my daughter to one side and looking down at the boob at the other - that it was over.

There will be no more humps in "Humps and Baby Bumps". My precious lady lumps are no more. It was a sad, sad day.

With BABY now nine months old, I should have expected so much. I've been benefiting from extra delicious cleavage as a result of breastfeeding and hormones. Those kind of gifts, when not appreciated, don't last. The closest thing I received to someone noticing my boobs, was showing a slight rash to my single young doctor. And that just sucks.

I don't blame breastfeeding. In fact, I recently heard that it's not breastfeeding that causes "limp lumps" but hormones related to pregnancy. So whether you nurse or not, having a baby is enough to "impact your rack".

Even still, I would nurse all over again. It's better BABY uses them, because I'm certainly not.

~ humps

Valentine's Day

2010-02-09T15:44:00.002-05:00

I'm a romantic. I love love. Although I don't have a romantic love in my life right now, I have a different, deep, I didn't know it was coming and would feel this way type of love. For my little baby girl. That's more than I need.

A couple of years ago, I stumbled across a poet named Shihan. I fell in love with these two videos of his pieces, performed on Def Poetry Jam. Years have passed. I have grown. I found these videos again. It means more now that it ever has. I wanted to share.

Enjoy:

Bugs Bunny

2010-01-28T23:58:00.004-05:00

Somewhere between Christmas and now I lost the gummy smile of my little girl. I became used to looking at her one way. Eight months of her yawns, laughs, babbles, kisses, smiles that were soft and wet. Toothless. Her round plump lips. Her pink mouth.

But like all babies, her teeth were conspiring below the surface. They were building courage. They were getting ready.

She was showing all of the signs of a baby preparing for her first tooth - putting everything in her mouth, drooling. I waited for the more unpleasant signs of teething, like the crying, fever, redness on the checks. I monitored the pink tissue of her lower gums for indication that it might be coming. For swelling. I waited. I took pictures of her gummy smile, knowing that those days were limited.

Almost overnight, she sprouted her first tooth.

She woke up, smiled like she usually does, and there it was. Right in front of me. Instead of coming in on the bottom like I expected it would, like the parenting books said, it came in on top. The second, beside it to the right, was peaking out also. Her two front teeth. She looked like Bugs Bunny.

Is it silly to dedicate a post to a first tooth? Maybe. But for some reason, when she smiles at me, it's almost like a different baby. She doesn't look like a baby. She's growing up.

I know that somewhere between now and next Christmas we will go through a number of small milestones. Too small to blog about, or to write in her baby book. But all will add up to the incredible transformation of a little baby, to a little girl.

It's all conspiring below the surprise.

Forever Shaken

2010-01-18T23:37:00.007-05:00

Last week, on Tuesday, January 12th, a 7.0 earthquake hit Port-Au-Prince, Haiti.

It was said to be the most powerful earthquake to hit the country in more than 200 years. As devastating as that natural disaster was, and would be to any country, the destruction in Haiti was exasperated by the conditions. Most of Haiti's people are desperately poor, and after years of political instability, the country has no basic construction standards.

The earthquake caused a crumbled ruin of many homes from all ends of the economic spectrum. According to reports, Parliament has collapsed. The tax office has collapsed. Schools have collapsed. Hospitals have collapsed. The National Palace is a ruin, and the UN headquarters was damaged. Most of Port au Prince's two million, an estimated 1.5 million, were made homeless by last week's natural disaster. Thousands are dead.

I don't need to rehash news reports that you have likely heard a lot about. Over the past week, I have read, watched, listened to some of the same reports that you have. I have been touched by the stories of loss, the stories of fear, the stories of men, women and children, like many of you have. I have hurt for the people that are waiting for word from their loved ones, like you have. My stomach has ached for all of those who are affected by the situation, like yours have. My mind is full of "what ifs", "that could be someone close to me", "how could this happen", like surely yours is.

It's things like this that make you realize how special, how sacred, how blessful, how bountiful your life is. My life is. As a mother, I feel changed. As a mother, I am so impacted by the hurt of children. As a mother, I feel a different kind of pain than I ever have before - during any other natural disaster. I look at the innocence of my daughter, and the way she looks up at me at the ripe age of 8 months, and hurts me inside to think about losing her. I would never be strong enough to live through that. Thinking about it tears me apart.

My prayers are with everyone impacted by the earthquake in Haiti. Although I am able to turn off the news reports, shut down the computer and climb into my bed, my heart and mind is thousands of miles away. And I hold my baby girl a little bit tighter because of this. I won't forget.

~ humps

*Note: News photos from http://ca.news.yahoo.com photo slide show. All three are Reuters.

S is for Spelling

2010-01-14T00:29:00.004-05:00

Over the last couple of weeks I have been on a mission. I have been consumed in the pursuit of finding daycare for BABY. I will be going back to work in April. While I did do some initial investigation, entered myself on a few daycare waiting lists over the summer, I now have to put this search into high gear. If I don't get her in somewhere over the next couple of months I'm screwed.

I'm sure you will hear a little bit more about the daycare issue on this blog. Like how freaking expensive it is. How I have no idea how I'm going to be able to afford it. (These places are coming in at around $300 a week for infants. Like $1200 a month!! Please don't get me started on this or I will have a breakdown.) I will probably rant for months about how I will be entrusting my precious daughter in the hands of people I don't even know. That she will spend a good 9-10 hours a day there, and see them more than she sees me. How I will likely have a breakdown during the first day, week, month. Oh my gosh, I'm gonna throw up right now. I'm feeling anxiety just thinking about this.

Ok, let me get it together.

The real reason I wanted to write this post was to ask, what's up with daycare? I am looking at homecare and daycare. I am going on tours, open houses, meeting daycare administrators, speaking with homecare agencies. Seeing advantages and disadvantages of many different options.

Not sure if I am being an overly discriminating parent, but who the hell decided that misspelling a word in the name of your daycare was cute. Or good marketing. You're suppose to teaching my child how to read and write. And meanwhile you have a sign outside of your building that reads "Skool". WTF.

So I just wanted to get that off my chest. If you operate a daycare facility with "Kampus", "Skool", "Kare", "Kollege", "Kidz", "N" instead of And, than you may want to think of rebranding. Because it just isn't Kute.

~ humps

Get Yo Shit Togetha

2010-01-04T23:20:00.002-05:00

It's the Monday after New Years. We have just walked into a new decade. It is now 2010! I am dusting off my laptop and shaking off my carpal tunnel to officially deemed this Get-Yo-Shit-Togetha Week. Because after the holidays, surely I am not the only one who needs to get my shit together.

It's an informal poll but I can say with some certainty that 99% of the people that I know have veered off of their regular routine over the holiday season. The time spent has varied - from using up the vacation days, taking on some overtime hours, or going into work to enjoy late starts and long lunches. Or maybe you spent some time curling up with your 8 month old baby girl, watching Hugh Grant movies on cable and grazing on holiday goodies. That's cool too, I suppose.

I even let the baby run wild over the last couple of weeks. Her bedtime has gone to crap. I have to get her back on the routine.

So with this being Get-Yo-Shit-Togetha Week, I will be buckling down. I will be getting babies on routines, getting my ass of the couch, getting some housework done around here, getting my life organized and getting it done. I'm not one for New Years Resolutions but I'm a fan of breaking out the shit broom and shit bucket to pile it all up. I'm a fan of getting shit together.

I gots to go. This shit is calling my name.

~ humps

Baby's First Christmas

2009-12-30T21:19:00.008-05:00

We had a wonderful holiday. I will be back to the regular routine on Monday - not that we are getting down to much partying right now. But it has been nice doing nothing at all over the last couple of days! Although I am on a blogging hiatus I would be remiss if I didn't post pictures of Baby's First Christmas.

We spent Christmas eve and Christmas day at my mother's house. She does the Christmas dinner with our extended family on the 24th. Of course my little girl got all of the attention from young and old. Her little cousins (even the two year old) spoiled her rotten with hugs, kisses and a whole lot of attention.

And yes, BABY learned quickly how to open presents. Here are some of my favorite Christmas pictures:

~ humps

Christmas Baby

2009-12-21T22:25:00.000-05:00

I'm an only child. I'm a Christmas baby. When I tell people that my birthday is December 24th - or Christmas Eve - I get one of two reactions: delight or dismay. Usually, far more dismay than delight. People's eyes pop out of their head. Their volume goes up a few octaves. In some, disgust washes over their face. Others yet, give me solemn pats on the shoulder. They give me a hug to make up for emptiness, lack of love, disproportionally low number of presents that must have come from such an unfortunate Birthday. Of all the days in the year, it's a crying shame that I was born on that one. I was surely forgotten. I was overshadowed.

Some people mention friends of friends, and great aunts, and third cousins twice removed who had birthdays in December. Some on Christmas itself, or New Years eve. Poor souls. In the eyes of almost everyone I meet, it really sucks to be born the day before, the day of, the day after or anywhere near Christmas.

While it would have been nice to have a birthday in the summer, with it's flower themes and Slip n'Slides, I didn't know what I was missing.

When my friend's daughter was born on Christmas Eve six years ago, she asked me what being a Christmas baby is like. And I had to chance to explain in detail how magical I thought it all was. As a kid, being a Christmas baby was perfect.

My parents would have a party at our place every Christmas Eve. It was a traditional Christmas dinner, and the one day a year that all of the family, extended family and friends would get together. It was also my birthday party. In addition to the Christmas tree, garland, wreath and nativity scene, my mother would put Happy Birthday banners in the basement with streamers and balloons. Everyone would gather around and sing Happy Birthday while I blew out the candles on a big cake.

Most of my aunts and uncles would go out of their way to bring two presents. One with Christmas paper and the other with Birthday paper. I received so many Birthday cards. I never felt that my birthday was forgotten. On Christmas Eve I was only allowed to open one present. The rest had to wait until Christmas morning. My birthday spilled over for days and days.

Maybe it's because I'm an only child, but I never thought that my birthday was anything less than amazing. I was, no I am, blessed with incredible family. I absolutely love the holiday season. I love the wonder and the magic. I love the traditions. I love the excitement. I love that the holidays are a time to remember, honor and celebrate friends and family.

And now that I'm a mother, and this is my daughter's first Christmas, I love the season that much more. It isn't about me or my Birthday anymore. I get to see Christmas through the eyes of a child.

~ humps

The Day After

2009-12-19T16:20:00.005-05:00

It's been a while since my last post. All week I have been busy planning a surprise birthday party for one of my closest friends. You guys don't understand how hard it is for me to keep a secret. I'm a terrible liar. And I talk to her on a daily basis! I also couldn't write about it on this blog or Twitter on the odd chance that she was reading it. The torture!!

The party was Friday. Big success. Lots of fun. All day I have been vegging on her couch eating leftover appetizers and cake. And BABY is decked out in her day after-party tracksuit, playing with an assortment of toys on the floor.

None of my pictures turned out any good - partly because I couldn't find my camera for the first half of the night.

But since it's been a while since my last post with BABY's pictures, I thought that I would share this one taken recently. So... my little baby:

I don't know how to change diapers...

2009-12-09T23:31:00.005-05:00

It's sad really. That I've been able to go this long without knowing how to change diapers. My daughter is seven months old for goodness sake. I am her primary caregiver. And she goes through a lot of diapers. Many of them every single day.

But it has taken me this long to admit that I don't know what I'm doing in the diaper department.

Before I had her, I changed a few diapers. I felt like I knew what I was doing. When I had her I changed a couple of diapers in the hospital. I felt like I knew what I was doing. A nurse came and bathed her. She didn't comment that the diapering wasn't right. I watched as she put a new diaper on BABY and I felt like I knew what I was doing. In the days, and weeks, and months that followed, I did diapers with confidence. People would marvel at my diapering skills. They would say, "Wow! You can really change a diaper. That was so fast!" I accepted these compliments.

And now, I am humbled.

Because ANYONE can change a diaper on a new baby. One that stays where you put them. One that is interested in paying attention to you when you lay them on their back.

Not EVERYONE can change a diaper on a seven month old baby who doesn't want to lay still. Who turns over, and grabs at the new diaper, and sticks her foot in the poopy diapers, and kicks you in the stomach, and tries to slitter away, and wails her arms, and rips off your glasses, and doesn't want to wear a diaper AT ALL.

I don't know what I am doing. I'm not equipped for these kind of war-like attacks on the diaper doer. I wasn't sufficiently trained in diaper combat. I need some kind of diaper ninja in my corner. Some kind of highly skilled diaper wrestler. Someone to do some diaper magic.

So I enlisted a few new diaper changing strategies: (I) The distraction technique. This is where you stun the opponent with new and unusual objects / sounds / actions while the diapering continues - often to their shear and utter surprise. I started with small toys. Things that made noise. I tried singing songs. I have now resorted to using my cellphone and the remote control - the things that I venomously fought against her getting a hold of. But when it comes to diapers, a mom's gotta do... And that leads me to my next tactic. (II) The three-armed bandit. Set baby on colorful padded playmat on the floor. Be certain that diaper change items are at close reach but not close enough that baby can throw them at you. Hold baby down with left hand and right foot. Change diaper with right hand. Stay home from yoga. You've had enough of a work out.

And when in doubt, set some newspaper on the floor and let the kid roam free. Let nature take it's course. I'd like to think that is more environmentally conscious anyway.

~ humps

P.S. (Yeah I know people don't have P.S.s on blog posts but hell this is mine.) You know what just occurred to me?! Walking!! What am I gonna do? Someone teach me how to change diapers!

The Magic of Bubbles

2009-12-04T10:53:00.003-05:00

There is something magical about watching a little baby grow up before your eyes. All of their little achievements, adventures and discoveries. Some call them milestones. I call them miracles. From a little thing who couldn't even hold her head up, I now have a person in front of me who cruises around the room, takes a book of the shelf and sits down to play with it, finds toys from the basket and takes it with her along her journey across the living room, tests the limits and strength of her legs all day, everyday.

She's just seven months yo and she blows me away. All. The. Time.

But a few nights ago, while we were doing the usual bedtime routine - bath, book, boob, bed - I saw the world through her eyes for a moment. I saw her discover bubbles. I saw her reach down into the soapy water and chase delicate bubbles with her tiny fingers. She moved in slow motion. She was gentle. She touched them. They popped.

This was not a true bubble bath full of frothy, hearty, can't escape them because they are everywhere bubbles. This was pretty much a basin of water with a few stragglers. The bubbles where the kind that fall off of the curve of babies' backs, land in expanses of water, and fight the long hard fight to stay around. They are small but mighty. And my small but mighty baby went after the few little ones that were there. She wanted to take those bubbles with her through her journey. And I got it. I want to take those bubbles too.

Having a baby, seeing the world through their eyes, is amazing. It's magic.

~ humps

It's Not Nice to Laugh At Others

2009-12-02T18:04:00.014-05:00

My friend C over at Random Thoughts and Musings From The Island just published a post - a tribute of sorts - to People of WalMart. While I could draw on my extensive vocabulary of adjectives for this one, a picture is worth a thousand words, and there are a few interesting pictures on her blog. On a more disturbing note, there are a ton of pictures on the People of WalMart website. An alarming number of pictures in fact. I would like to think that some of the events captured are isolated incidents but based on the sheer volume of pictures, I don't think so.

Both C and I would like to teach our daughters that it is never okay to make fun of others, or laugh at their expense. But frankly, these People of WalMart are making it really hard to parent now-adays. Seriously, ya'll!

So for the good of all shoppers, young and old, I put together some rules. The Top 5 Things That You Should Remember Before Visiting WalMart (So That I Don't Have to Explain Who You Are and What You're Doing To My Daughter):

5. Remember that you just can't pull it off, before heading to WalMart.

4. Remember, to wear pants to WalMart.

3. Remember, to wear pants that fit you to WalMart.

2. Remember that the thong song was not written for you, before heading to WalMart.

1. Remember there's somethings that we just don't want to know, before you get to WalMart.

~ humps

Lootbags are for Losers

2009-11-26T13:44:00.007-05:00

Friend: So, are you going to have a first birthday party for BABY?

Me: Yeah... I guess so....

Friend: You haven't thought about it?!

Me: Well she's BARELY seven months old. I wasn't thinking that far ahead.

Friend: Her birthday is in April. So after the holidays, you only have a few months. It will
catch up to you before you know it.

Me: (blink, blink)

Friend: So you should really think about it.

Me: Right. I should...

I will probably do something to mark the occasion that is my daughter's first birthday in the Spring. But at what point did planning a child's party turn into planning a wedding? Am I completely naive about how these things work? Is there something that I am missing here?

The scary part is that I have just right amount of mommy guilt to actually want a kick ass birthday - you know, to make up for other things. And, I love a good party as much as the next person.

Apart of the issue is that my idea of a good child's birthday is a grocery store cake and dollar store loot bags. Is that what people are doing nowadays? Do I need to step my game up? Are we talking petting zoo, inflatables, a variety of children-themed entertainment? Are we talking Super Sweet Sixteen portions here? Do I need to get on the phone with Beyonce?

My friend's little talk did the job. I am now thinking about it.

~ humps

7 Months Old!

2009-11-24T17:21:00.003-05:00

So a few minutes ago I commented on someone's blog, mentioning that I too have a six month old. That is a lie. As of today, I don't have a six month old. My little girl is now seven months old! I can't believe that she is growing up so quickly. It feels like just the other day I wrote this for her six month birthday, or this when she was born. 7 months ago...

7 hours ago - I was playing with BABY on the floor of my living room. The toys were spread out in all different directions but she wasn't interested in the toys. She mostly wanted to climb on top and all over me. And that was cool. I love playing with her, getting her to smile and getting her to laugh. After a few minutes her gaze focused across the room where her bouncy chair was. I was thinking about getting rid of it earlier today - giving it away or packing it up. I could see the determination through her focus. She leaned forward from sitting and started to crawl across the room - stomach on the ground - in a straight line for the bouncy chair. I have seen this before, but she is getting faster and faster with every attempt. So she crawled over, pulled herself up on the side, and started pressing all the buttons. Then she turned around, looked at me and smiled.

7 days ago - I was feeling terrible with a bad toothache. The kind that makes your head hurt, ears ring and neck tense up. And there is nothing worse than feeling terrible when you have a little baby that needs you. I looked at her and felt like I was in a fog. Two of my close friends came to the rescue. One of my friends who just started maternity leave and is due in a few weeks, took BABY for the afternoon so I could get some rest. Another friend came over after work and fed her, got her ready for bed, put her to sleep. That night, I held onto BABY extra tight. We didn't get to spend the day together like usual, and I didn't get to do all the night time things like usual, so I wanted to cuddle a little more than usual. It's amazing that we have such loving and caring friends and family. I couldn't do it - all of it - without them. While I was thinking about all of those things, I turned to BABY. Although she was in deep sleep, she smiled.

7 months ago - The most memorable times that I had in the hospital after BABY was born were those blocks of time that we had by ourselves. When everyone was gone. When I would wrap my robe tightly about myself, and pull myself out of bed. When I would look at this little baby wrapped in a blanket in the hospital-order bassinet - if you can call that thing a bassinet. I couldn't believe that I had a baby, a daughter, a person. She was so tiny but so bright. Is that the right word? I don't know. She was bright. It was like she sparkled. I wanted her to wake up. Partly because I wanted to pick her up so badly. I leaned in really close and watched her breath. I traced her check with my finger. I smiled.

7 years ago - I was so far from where I am now. The thought of being a mom, seemed like light years away. If someone would have told me then that I would be on maternity leave, writing a post for my seven month old daughter on a mom blog, I would laughed hysterically. I wasn't even sure if that being a mom was in the cards for me at all. And that was fine. There's a lot of living to be had in your early twenties. I didn't know what I was missing. I didn't know how much I was capable of loving. I didn't know how quickly my perspective on what is important would change. Most importantly, until just recently, I didn't know the power of a baby's smile.

So now I'm the mom to a seven month old baby girl. I know a deep, dense, undeniable kind of love. The most important things to me are crystal clear. And I know that power of my daughter's smile.

Happy Birthday pumpkin.

Written With One Hand

2009-11-21T00:41:00.003-05:00

There's a baby clinging to my boob as I write this.

Yeah, you read that correctly. There's a baby clinging to my boob. Luckily it's my baby. Luckily I'm fairly used to her holding on for dear life to that particular boob, and the one beside it, many times each day.

I have been pretty upfront about my love for breastfeeding, since BABY was born over six months ago. Our routine - co-sleeping for part of the night - has worked really well for us. For me mostly. But for her too. Since it's just the two of us, and I am also extra careful almost to the blistering levels of OCD, I felt comfortable. Safe. It worked for late night feedings, sleeping through the night, bonding and it was so damn cute. Cuddling with her meant that I could drink in all of the baby-ness while she was still a baby. However, too much of a good thing is a bad thing.

I'm afraid that I have created a monster.

We're right in the middle of sleep regression. A few weeks ago she would take naps in the crib (astonishing since she wanted no part of that for her first few months) and I put her down there at bedtime. A few weeks ago, I would bring her into bed for a nighttime feeding and we slept together until morning. A few weeks ago, she would use a pacifier for sleep support - even reaching for it herself if I left it in the crib.

Now she wants no part of cribs, pacifiers, being by herself. Now she wants me - and importantly my boobs - all the time! She wants to nurse to sleep and during sleep. She wants to nurse all the time. She wants to sleep with me. She wants me to hold her. Whether it's teething or a growth spurt, I don't know. I'm hoping it's a phase. I'm not sure if all this breastfeeding will be cool when she starts high school.

So, if you haven't seen me on Facebook, there's no word on Twitter, or I'm not responding to emails, just know that there's a baby clinging to my boob. I'll get back to you when she lets go.

~ humps

I See Myself In You

2009-11-18T22:11:00.005-05:00

You're a little girl that steals hearts, brings joy and loves. Loves so much for being so little. Loves unconditionally. These qualities contrast starkly with my cynicism, self doubt, social trepidation. It is remarkable to me that I made you. It is remarkable to me that you have me flowing threw your vains. But everyday that passes I see more of me in you.

When I hold you and bring you to the mirror, and make faces and hold our heads together, I see myself in you. The curls that are forming at the top of your head, and attempting to form at the sides. The way your eyebrows frame your brown eyes. The way your eyelashes clump in small segments and curl. The outline of your upper lip. Your smile. The complexion of the skin on your toes. The palm of your hands. I see myself in you.

And one night when it was too late for little babies to still be awake, you played in protest. So I took you and few board books to bed with me. While I was propped up on one side, engrossed in a novel from the library, I looked over to my left. There you were laying on your stomach, with a book in front of you. Your head moved back and forth, like you were reading that little book, sounding out the words, admiring the pictures, engrossed in that story. It was all too much for a little six month old baby. I was stunned, and without missing a beat you focused your energies on turning the page. I saw myself in you.

And when the sweet breath of sleep kissed your forehead, I watched. Your eyes closed slowly. Grudgingly. You raised your eyebrows in hopes that this last ditch attempt would cement your eyes open. Because, you only sleep on your terms. If you miss anything, there will be trouble. So I kissed your plump cheeks. Whispered goodnight. I understand my darling. I see myself in you.

XOXO humps

A Lifetime of Yelling, "Don't Touch That!"

2009-11-09T22:05:00.004-05:00

There is a critical point in the development of a young child where you can't just put 'em down and expect them to be there when you turn around. Trust me - I know. That point in my home was a few weeks ago.

Until recently I have been living in what I now know is a big ol' parenting delusion - complete with feelings that I had everything under control. I know now that until you are trying to keep up with a curious, moving, wanting to put everything in her mouth when you're not looking baby, life is easy. Hell, all you really needed to do was keep that kid fed, changed and entertained. All of which increases in complexity as the months go on.

And although I can and very shortly will do a bit of baby proofing in our condo, I'm much more worried about the things / places / people that we run into outside of the home. Worried as in full fledged anxiety. I'm sure that for many years to come I will feel this high level of anxiety that BABY is gonna get her little curious ass into something, fall into something, or hurt herself against something.

So I would like to warn everyone, that if BABY and I happen to be visiting you, out to lunch with you, having you over at our place, attending an event with you - basically anything, anywhere, with anyone - please don't be alarmed by the look of terror that I have on my face when I see these:

- a glass table
- a sharp corner
- a steaming hot beverage perched on an edge
- an open toilet seat
- a large vase placed on the floor
- (any sized) vase on any surface
- marbles, pebbles or other chocking hazards
- knives
- place settings
- electrical outlets
- stacks of newpaper
- any paper that you don't want a baby to eat
- stoves
- electrical wires
- open windows
- open doors
- pretty much anything and everything

It's a scary new world. Excuse me while I go after my baby. "DON'T TOUCH THAT!!"

~ humps

Be That Woman

2009-11-05T23:19:00.003-05:00

One of my favorite blogs EVAH is Bad Mommy Moments. Just a few days ago CK posted this Public Service Announcement that I had to share. It got me weepy.

Check it out:

~ humps

The Ultimate Mom-Baby Playlist

2009-11-04T23:23:00.004-05:00

On Sunday, I had a little get together for family and friends after BABY's baptism. Just a little brunch at my place. I didn't want to do anything too fussy. I wanted it to be low key, casual and comfortable.

And that's how I approached the planning.

I started by inviting an intimidate group of my really close friends and family. The ones that I see and talk to regularly. The people that are really connected to BABY and see her often. I skipped the catering, and planned a menu of appetizers, sandwiches and salads that I could prepare the day before. While I would never call myself an expert chef, I do enjoy cooking for people.

But before groceries were bought, or a pan was put on the stove, I was preparing for the most important part. The music. I made the ultimate of Baptism after party playlists, that began as one celebrating the love between moms and their daughters.

Since I am very much a giving, generous and good spirited blogger, I will share this with you - in hopes that it too can be the foundation for the parties you are having. Baptisms, birthday parties, baby showers, Mother's Day, Labor Playlists, whatever the need maybe. I got cha!

On this playlist, it was important to me that the songs represent different eras, different artists - you know, since that's how I roll! I wanted it to be something that my older family members and younger friends could sing along to. So you will see that there is everything from Jackson Five, Stevie Wonder, The Temptations to Dixie Chicks, Michael Buble, Whitney Houston to Jay-Z, Lauryn Hill, Kanye West.

The songs also included "love songs" - such as This Magic Moment and No Air - but I felt that it still fit the theme.

Check it out:

You can either build the playlist so that the sequence of songs is perfect, or hit "shuffle" for more spontaneity.

For the Baptism I added to that some more reggae - as a tribute to my West Indian family, which included some Beres Hammond, Tony Rebel, Tarrus Riley, Sizzla, more Bob Marley. I also added another playlist that I had with some of my favorite gospel from Mary Mary, Donnie McClurkin, Kirk Franklin, Yolanda Adams and even 'Jesus Walks' from Kayne West and 'Faithful' from Common. (Unfortunately Playlist.com didn't have all of the songs that I used.)

Hope you enjoy!
~ humps

Angels

2009-11-02T23:11:00.008-05:00

On Sunday, my little angel was baptized. While I haven't talked about religious beliefs - and all that jazz - on this blog, I couldn't help but celebrate this day in her life. In both of our lives. It was an emotional day for me.

You see, I started going to this church less than a year before I got knocked up with BABY - for lack of a better description. It was a time when I was just beginning to explore the possibility of moving to US, when a close friend and I were having a conversation about church. We talked about going to church as a child and what that was like. We talked about how long it has been since we have been back and how life - just being a young adult in the city - so easily got in the way. We talked about a lot.

There were a handful of beautiful old churches in the city. We decided that we would check a few out and see what it was like. See if we could make a church connection and maybe give this whole "religious" thing a try. I mean it is one thing to believe in a maker and another thing entirely to be a full fledged church member!

One Sunday morning I ironed my clothes, broke open a new box of pantyhose, put on a nice but not sexually suggestive pair of heels. It was like I was going on a very conservative date: wanting it go well, a natural connection, to be comfortable and not wanting to say something stupid. "Please don't swear, please don't swear, please don't swear!" Add to that the unique dance that is church going: standing and sitting at the right moments, singing at the right volume.

We arrived at the church and found a place to sit a few rows from the back. We smiled at the people sitting around us. We stood and sat at the appropriate moments. We sung all of the hymns with the appropriate level of volume and enthusiasm. We didn't swear. Most importantly we listened. The pastor was a younger man standing in front of the backdrop of an older church - I would learn later that he was a thirty-something new father. He was starting a sermon series. When he talked, I felt like he was talking to us. It was just that relevant. I had Goosebumps. When it was over, before we got up to gather our things, we looked at each other. We came back the following week.

When the time came, I was more scared about telling people at my new church that I was pregnant than anyone in my life, because well nothing says SINNER than having a baby out of wedlock. I mean, really! Isn't that their whole deal?! I felt like having a baby was my own Scarlet Letter.

I am happy to say that it wasn't like that at all. And I now believe that having my little girl is a blessing. That I was given the most incredible gift. That God doesn't make mistakes. That I was suppose to find this church before I had her. That there is something to learn in all that I have and continue to go through.

And this weekend, when we stood beside the other families who were baptizing their children that day, I was trying really hard to hold in emotions. To the right of me were these families that I have grown to know, with a mom and dad. A small part of me pained that this wasn't the picture that I was presenting to the world. But to the left were my daughter's God Parents and all of my family and friends that were there to support us. I looked at them, and they smiled back at us. I looked out into the crowd and saw all of the people's faces that I now know. I looked down at this little girl that I held who looked back at me with big brown eyes. And I knew that it was perfect. And I exhaled.

My little angel. In. Every. Way.

~ humps

Don't Walk Away

2009-10-30T23:54:00.004-04:00

If you have read a few of the posts here you would pick up on my mixed emotions about BABY growing. It is at once remarkable, exciting, fulfilling to watch her grow up before my eyes, and I feel so grateful to be able to witness it all. At the same time, I am sad that she is growing up so fast. She's my little baby!

The latest in the series of exciting, heartbreaking milestones - crawling. We already have a baby that sits up and rolls over. She loves "standing" with your help and pulling herself up. I'm waiting to see what she will do next. It seems to be changing every week.

Her journey towards crawling has been entertaining. I am left wondering if all babies like this. Is this the sequence to crawling:
- She started pushing up on her arms a while ago.
- She then started pushing up on her knees so that her butt was sticking up in the air.
- She learned how to push up on both hands and knees - table top style.
- She has been working the "take off", where she bounces on her knees and looks like she might launch herself across the room.
- She has been using her arms to pull herself in a circle.
- She uses her arms to push herself backwards.

All of these things combined with the sitting and rolling over, means that she is actually "traveling". She can help herself to that remote or cellphone or grocery list or key chain that was once a few feet away. But she hasn't yet got the momentum to really start crawling.

So I relish in small movements. I relish in each minute that she sits up on her own and looks up at me, and stays there. For all the time that she doesn't crawl, walk or run away, she is with me. That makes me a happy mommy.

~ humps

Month Six

2009-10-25T01:17:00.006-04:00

Dear My Precious Baby,

Yesterday you turned six months old. We celebrated this special occasion at a party. No I didn't plan a 6 month birthday for you (although that would rock), it wasn't a party for you. It was a beautiful baby shower for Auntie S, who is due to have a little boy in just 5 weeks. Her baby will be born the same year as you. You will grow up together. But don't worry, I won't make you play with him if you don't want to. If he does anything mean to you, I will kick his ass. Me and Auntie S are cool like that.

And yes, I do expect you to call mommy's friends Auntie and Uncle.

As I look back, I have to say that this was the month of laughter. You have always been a very happy baby. I was convinced that I saw you smile for the first time that very first week that we brought you home from the hospital. Although they say that you were too young for that to be a "real" smile, I think it was. You see, during that time we were still getting to know each other. I was learning to hold you how you like to be held, and rock you how you like to be rocked. I would sometimes lie down with you, with my face so close to your face that our noses were touching. I would talk to you softly and we would get to know each other. The first time that I put you in your playgym, got on the floor down beside you and talked to you softly, you smiled.

Since then you have kept on smiling - when you are dreaming a nice dream, when you wake up, during playtime, after feeding, when you meet someone new, when you see a familiar face. Everyone who meets you remarks at what a happy baby you are. It is true. I'm so lucky to have you.

And now you laugh. You laugh rich, long, full belly laughs. You throw your head back and let out the best of laughs. These laughs make your eyes squint and your cheeks puff. Sometimes when I hold you so that you are looking at the world, and make funny sounds in your ear, you throw yourself against me and laugh, and laugh, and laugh. I wonder if your cheeks hurt from all of this laughing.

You can sit up all by yourself now and roll over. We debuted your new found skills to Auntie C about a month ago and she was so impressed. I couldn't help but take many a picture with you sitting all by yourself. It really hit me that you were becoming a big girl when I watched you sit with your older cousins and play with one of the toys at Grandma's house during the beginning of October. You were actually sitting and playing with the big girls, who are over five years older than you!! There was my little girl.

But although you can sit, you would much rather stand. You hold on to anyone's hands that you can and pull yourself up to standing. You like to stand on the floor, on the couch, on mommy's lap. You would stay standing all day if I would let you. You have always like to be held up, from the minute we brought you home, and take in all the world has to offer.

This week you had solid foods for the first time. I think that you like mommy's cooking. I can't wait to make more delicious baby food for you. I can't believe that you are getting so big.

I am exciting that you are growing up before my eyes and but it makes me a little sad. The time is just flying by so quickly. I want to pause the clock. I want to cuddle you until you don't want to cuddle anymore. I want to hold you until you are too big to be held. I don't want to let you go. Promise me that you will always be my little baby, even when you are too old to sit on my lap, when you are too busy to call, when you have your own friends and your own life. Promise that you will still let me love you to pieces.

I love you more than I ever knew that I could. This has been the best six months of my life and I can't wait for more.

Love, Mommy

Worst Advice? Get Married!

2009-10-23T10:47:00.006-04:00

Last night I had a great time on a "Tweet Chat". It was for the Motherhood movie opening in select cities today, staring Uma Thurman. A number of moms and dads where discussing the ups and down, joys and triumphs of Motherhood. Some great mom bloggers were panelists (@mommadethat @sthrnfairytale @goodandcrazy @carissarogers @momdotrocks @futuremommy @MomDotRocks @mamakatslosinit @1momof5 @angiescircus) and discussions included things from favorite books, to lessons learned.

When the question "What's the worst advice that you received?" was raised, some of the responses included letting the baby cry it out, wake up the baby to feed him, having another child. Do you know what I said when that question came up. I said that the worst advice given was to GET MARRIED, and thank God that I didn't.

Too much information for an informal Tweet Chat! Yeah, maybe. I didn't have my mental
filter on. I just put it out there in the Twitterverse before I even realized that my response was drastically different from the mainstream.

But I mean it! I am so glad that I didn't get married.

I have talked about my daughter's father as Dad-To-Be on this blog and I really don't talk about him much. We were dating for about two years before I got pregnant. During that time, had long discussions about the children we would eventually have. We talked about getting married. We were happy. We never fought during those two years. We were in love.

He had moved from Toronto to Chicago (where he grew up) the summer that BABY was conceived. While in Toronto the months before, his dad was diagnotized and going through treatment for Prostate Cancer. His parents were getting a divorce after over 35 years of marriage. His siblings were picking sides. It was hard for him be in Canada while all of this was happening. We talked long and hard about him moving back. I encouraged him to. It was still heartbreaking.

I had convinced myself that I was at a point in my life and career where I could use a change of scenery. I was a few years into my career at a multinational company. I knew that US experience would help me and I was marketable. My friends and family would be sad to see me go but encouraging. I had nothing to hold me back. The plan was for him to move down and handle all of the drama that I was happening with his family. He would also pave the way for my move.

We had a five year plan.

But through all of this, I would always say that we would move back to Canada to have children - once we were married of course! I want to raise my kids in Toronto.

When I found out that I was having BABY, I was shocked. We both were. We both took it hard. But it didn't take me too long to realize that it was a gift. Luckily we found out before I left my job and before I moved. He didn't exactly see it that way.

Throughout my pregnancy, Dad-To-Be and I were going through a hard time. There were ups and downs, backs and forths - physically between the US and Canada, and emotionally. We broke up, and made up, then to break up again. People assumed that we would get married. That was the last thing on my mind - I had a lot of other things to worry about besides a wedding!!

BABY was just born when it completely fell apart. In an effort to keep all of the drama out of this blog (at least for now) I won't get into it. Basically, there were a ton of lies that uncovered itself.

Although we are still working out the role that he will play in BABY's life, I have to come to terms with what it means to be a single mom (it terrifies me even typing that), and there are lots of other issues and concerns and problems, I am happy that I didn't get married.

I wouldn't want BABY to be put in a situation that is not completely beneficial for her. I wouldn't want BABY to be in the middle of a strained relationship. I wouldn't want BABY to adjust to a changing environment when the relationship eventually broke apart.

Now that we are apart, I can provide an environment for her that is consistent, positive, loving and happy. And this love is all that she has ever known.

I know that many have happy, fulfilling marriages but it doesn't look like that is in the cards right now. For me, my life and my experience, I would pick single and happy, versus married and miserable any day. I am glad.

~ humps

What's For Dinner?

2009-10-20T22:54:00.005-04:00

This weekend, my little girl is turning 6 months old. I am sad and excited at the same time. Sad - because she is growing up so fast. Excited - because I know that there are more wonderful milestones to come.

The latest milestone: solid foods!! Yesterday I gave her solids for the first time. Big deal, no?

I was preparing for this moment emotionally and physically for a long time. (I am dramatic like that). At our last appointment for her 4 month immunization shots, BABY's physician gave me the go ahead to start solids. I was a little stunned. I wasn't ready to hear that. It felt counter to everything that I was reading, which advised moms to keep breastfeeding their children to 6 months. Weren't both the World Health Organization (WHO) and UNICEF - two huge worldwide organizations - recommending just breast milk for the first 6 months and then breastfeeding with supplemental food until 2 years old and beyond?!

I'm sure that there is a certain face one creates when one knows that they are not going to take given advice. This is the same face teenagers use when they are going to immediately dismiss something that their parents say, or the face that a husband gives when he is ignoring a comment from his wife. I gave this face to my doctor. It was a blank stare with nod type of face. Luckily he doesn't know me well enough to notice. In fact, I'm fairly sure that he was just scribbling something down. Not even looking in my direction.

Over the last couple of months, our doctor was joined by a growing list of people that I was quietly ignoring on the subject of solids for baby including my grandmother, mother, a few moms that I knew who started their babies on solids around four months. Instead of these people I decided to pay attention to BABY's cues and behaviour, and listen to my own instincts.

In the meantime, I got ready physically while my emotions caught up. I picked some solid food appropriate bibs, adorable baby spoons and dishes (in BPA-free plastic since I couldn't really find non-plastic items that were in my very limited price range! Holla at me if you have any recommendations). Since I am planning on making my own baby food, I made sure that my Magic Bullet was working and that I had a few extra ice cube trays for freezing. I re-read the Starting Solids chapter of What to Expect: The First Year, and another book that I have on naturally healthy first foods. I researched homemade baby food recipes online. I talked to other moms.

Then I was ready emotionally.

On Monday, I had my first foray into the homemade baby food world. I was equipped with my recipes for homemade rice cereals, which I decided would be BABY's first food. I actually made two different versions:

Cooking Then Blending
- Cook short grain brown rice according to package directions. (I did a batch in my rice cooker for dinner and only portioned out a 1/4 cup for the baby food.)
- Place the cooked brown rice in a blender or food processor with the breast milk/water/formula.
- Puree until completely smooth.
- I poured most of it into ice trays and froze overnight, then put into a freezer bag.

Blending Then Cooking
- Blend short grain brown rice into a fine powder using a blender or food processor.
- Boil water in a saucepan. Once boiling, whisk in rice.
- Simmer for about 10 minutes, while whisking the entire time. It will get thicker and thicker.

I would have to say that solid foods was a big success. I gave BABY a little bit of both versions. She played in it and ate some. We had lots of laughing and no crying. Personally, I think that the proof is in the pictures.

~ humps

A Great Grandmother

2009-10-18T16:05:00.007-04:00

My mom has one of those really big photo albums from the 70s with the hundreds of pages, gold accents on a pearlized hardcover, clear plastic vinyl and sticky pages, large metal binder-style rings. You had to take the plastic from the sticky pages apart and put the pictures inside. The photo albums were so heavy that I'm sure they were a hazard to have in the house. Those albums were kept stashed away.

A few of the photo albums are dedicated to pictures of me as a kid - I'm an only child so I was the subject most of the time. I used to look at the pictures in the albums a lot. It was great to relive the vacations with aunts and uncles, the holidays with cousins, the summer days with neighbors and friends. I especially like looking at pictures when I was a baby - most of which included my grandmother.

One of the most memorable pictures I had was with my grandmother giving me a bath.

My grandmother and I have always been very close. I can't put into words how much she was a part of my life since I was young. Caregiver, baby sitter, role model, teacher, therapist, confidant, accomplice, companion, nurse, best friend, chauffeur, daycare-pickuper, booboo-kisser, overall-everything. We used to spend a lot of time together. She took care of me.

About 10 years ago she moved back to the West Indies for health reasons. Her arthritis, food allergies, back problems made living in Toronto's cold winters too difficult. When her job with a bank became redundant and early retirement was offered, her physician suggested that was the perfect time to make the move. Most years, she comes up to Toronto for the summer and returns to the West Indies before it gets too cold. Sometimes she avoids the hassle and doesn't come.

My grandmother bought a ticket back to Toronto in time for BABY's birth. She wanted to be here. I wanted her here. There was no else that I wanted to share this summer with more than her. She was at the hospital when I had BABY - at times walking the halls with me, rubbing my back to relieve my contractions, holding my hand when I needed it. At 2:00 am she was holding my little girl in her arms. I cried. My daughter is her 10th Great Grandchild.

This summer we spent a lot of time together. When I brought BABY home from the hospital, my grandmother was looking over my shoulder as I gave her first bath. Just like the picture that I remember looking at in my mother's albums.

Her flight left on Friday. I brought BABY to say goodbye. My grandmother kissed her forehead, called her Princess and hugged her. BABY smiled. When my Grandmother comes back next year - God willing - my daughter will a year old. She will be older, different. She will be waddling instead of just reaching.

Over the last few months I have begun my own extra large photo album. It might not be like the 70s version that my mom had. There are no sticky pages or plastic, or metal rings or hard covers. But there are lots of pictures of my grandmother.

~ humps

No-Kid Friends

2009-10-13T23:13:00.003-04:00

Some of my friends are married - happily and otherwise. Some have children - young and old. Some are single - and either loving or hating that. I have friends that are in all stages of life. And not too long ago, I was one of their single friends. Dating but loving the "single life". And faster than you can say, Tequila!!, I was waddling down the baby path.

Now I am a mother.

As much as it is an adjustment for me, it seems to be a bigger adjustment to some of my friends. And I understand. Before I had a child of my own, it was hard for me to really "get it"; that unique situation that the parents around me were going through.

Now that I sit on this side of the bassinet, as a service to those of us who recently became parents, here is my quick list of the things that I have learned:

- No-Kid Friends don't understand if you can't meet up for lunch with just twenty minutes notice. Leaving the house needs to be carefully coordinated. There are nap times to consider. The process of taking a shower comes with it's own complications. Diapers must be changed and babies put in endless layers of clothing. People with babies need to pack bags with lots of extra items. It's not that we don't want to see you No-Kid Friend. We just need lots of notice. Lots. Of. Notice.

- No-Kid Friends think that you let yourself go if your hair isn't combed when you finally see them. Whereas your With-Kid Friends are much more observant. They see that you are wearing clean clothes, a belt and Chapstick! They are happy that you were able to take a shower and leave the house. They overlook little things like bad hair and spit-up on your shirt. They understand.

- No-Kid Friends will ask you things that could potentially cause a breakdown - like "Is BABY sleeping through the night?" when BABY is still only two weeks old and you haven't slept in over two weeks. They don't know any better. And trust me, losing it on them is not gonna help. They will learn in due time.

- On the other hand, No-Kid Friends don't want to hear about diapers. They don't want you to tell them the poo-explosion story, as funny as it may be to you in your current state of delirium. They will smile at you as you tell the story, but they won't laugh. They may even turn in the other direction as they try to suppress disgust. Your With-Kid Friend will share his / her own poo story.

- No-Kid Friends don't spend extended periods of time looking at your baby, holding and rocking the baby and making faces at the baby. They are more easily bored by this no walking - no talking being. Those No-Kid Friends have very short attention spans.

- No-Kid Friends still plan those great events, nights out and get-togethers, even after you have a baby. Events that require weeks of breast pumping to have sufficient supply to leave the new baby, hours of painful engorgement while trying to make small talk with people that you don't know, and too long lingering over the pictures of your baby in your digital camera.

Your No-Kid Friends don't mean any harm. I know, I was one of them. They just don't get it. They are innocent of the complex dealings of the new parents. And frankly, they don't want to know. Soon enough, maybe as a result of some tequila, they too will walk down the baby path. And then it will hit them.

New With-Kid Friend,
humps

Revelations About Baby Clothes

2009-10-06T23:27:00.000-04:00

When your poor baby girl cannot move her little feet, raise her arms or touch her toes, you may want to "retire" that too tight sleeper. (The latest revelation and the kind of expert mom advice that you are going to get by reading my blog.)

To make matters worse, it was actually my mother who insisted that BABY's sleepers were too tight to keep wearing. I didn't want to believe it. I ignore her. I didn't want to acknowledge that she was right. I turned the other way. I washed that sleeper and put in the drawer. I put BABY in it a few days later. This is commonly known as denial.

Don't fault me - it is hard to look at the situation objectively when you are in love with an outfit. It's hard to say goodbye to baby outfits before their time. Ok, ok before my time.

I have attachment issues. I get attached. I fall in love with these little baby clothes. I find myself in the baby clothing section of stores - including my grocery store (hello Joe Fresh!) - holding a new little girl outfit in the air and picturing BABY in it. Seeing her cub cub legs and rolly polly arms filling out the clothes to perfection.

Adult clothing is very different. If they were my clothes I would wear them. I would love them as I was wearing them. I would find more ways to wear them more often - layered over things, under things. I would accessorize. I would dress it up and dress it down. If I wasn't completely fulfilled by wearing it for the initial term (however many months that would be), I would still keep it. I would stow it away in big plastic Tupperware containers in my storage room, or in tiny little white cardboard boxes from Ikea, or under my bed. Maybe I would hang it in the back of my closet. I would come back to it next year when the weather changes. I would wear it year after year. Maybe I would give it away - to a friend or family member. The clothes would have a long life span - at least as long as I liked them.

Baby clothes are a whole new experience. It is an experience that I am still getting used to.

You see with baby clothes, I buy them. They are super cute in many different ways. A touch like smaller versions of adult clothes with their tiny belt hoops, polished hems, collars, and little pockets. These childrenwear designers know that a 2 month old doesn't need a belt or to put anything in their pocket. It's all to provoke a sense of familiarity. We're hooked. Then they sprinkle on the little details - baby only details - that make us ohhh and aahhh.

The cuteness of the design is not even the whole problem. I could probably live with design cuteness. In fact, I EXPECT a high level of cuteness for the entire baby fashion industry. The real problem is what happens when these clothes are brought home. We take them out of the bags, and we wash them. We put them on our cub cub, rolly polly children and they look so damn cute. Our children sit there, big smiles and sporadic movements, while we ohh and ahh. We take the children out where others swoon over them. These clothes become our favorite outfits. We find occasions to showcase these outfits because our children look so damn cute in them. We are attached.

In three washes our children start to grow out of the outfits that we love - our favorite outfits. The buttons pull apart slightly. The arms and legs become just that much shorter. Our children out grow them before we are really finished loving these outfits.

And that's how it all began for BABY's too tight sleeper that I am attached to. Now it's... well it's too tight.

~ humps

If you haven't seen my boobs yet...

2009-10-03T23:02:00.004-04:00

As you may know, I'm pro breastfeeding. Remember my song? Well, today I took BABY to the Toronto Breastfeeding Challenge. It's actually an event that takes place in a bunch of cities across Canada and the United States. Each city competes to set the record for the most babies breastfeeding at one time. Last year Toronto placed sixth out of 362 participating sites.

The event was put on by Toronto Public Health with the participation and support of other companies and organizations - including the La Leache League and Chinese / Vietnamese Breastfeeding Network. There were a number of companies that showed their support through sponsorship and giveaways.

BABY and I had a good time meeting the other mommies and daddies at the event. It was a great sense of community being with all of those pro-breastfeeding families. We watched the evymama fashion show, won a little gift certificate as a door prize, and stayed for a seminar on infant massage. (There were also other seminars on baby food, baby signing, baby wearing, but I couldn't do it all).

And, I was interviewed for a local newstalk radio station CFRB 1010. For some reason I couldn't load the audio clip that was on their website, so have no idea was I in the report or editted out of it. Click here, and maybe you will have better luck. Since my pictures didn't turn out too well, a better bet would be to check out the Toronto Sun pictures.

A fun day and definitely worth going. Hopefully we'll be there year.

~ humps

Sweet Dreams

2009-09-26T23:17:00.003-04:00

My baby girl is little. She's just five months old. She can't walk. She can't talk. She hasn't started sleeping through the night. And although she is growing up so fast, and learning to walk, talk, starting to sit up and roll over, I hold on to our late night routine. I don't mind that she isn't sleeping that full 11 hour stretch.

Half way through the night she wakes up for a feeding. I pick her up from her crib and carry her with me to bed. I nurse her laying on my side, both of us in a half slumber - slow and groggy, moving in the dark. In each other's arms it is comfortable, and warm. Awhile passes until I ease myself into sleep once again. She falls back to sleep before I do. During that time I listen to her rthymic breathing, and her head turning as she finds a comfortable position. I watch her chest move up and down, and her eyes flicker in what I imagine are reactions to her fairytale dreams. I study the shape of her open mouth, the way she curls her fingers into a fist. She is so tiny, but still so much bigger than she was just five months ago. I try to remember how small she was then. I am starting to forget. The pictures don't do it justice.

My eyes get heavy. I fall asleep. I lay perfectly still. In my dreams I think about things past and things to come. I remember the things that we did earlier in the day. The things that we did, people that we met and places that we went. Time passes.

The sun is peaking through the closed blinds of my bedroom, and another day begins. Beside me, my little girl is awake before I am. Her big brown eyes are alert and sparkling. She babbles to herself. She reaches up and touches my face, and grabs my nose. When my eyes open, her own open a little brighter. A smile blooms across her face in a way that says, "What took you so long? I'm so happy to see you." I give her kisses. Her big brown eyes and smile are the first things that I see in the morning.

Before the day begins I pinch myself - I am so lucky.

The rest of day is spent doing the silly, often embarrassing, inhibiting, immature things to get her to smile again. And if I'm lucky, to hear her beautiful laugh. We pass the hours together, until it is time for bed once again. I can't wait to do it all over.

~ humps

Will Work for Flights

2009-09-25T17:01:00.003-04:00

The last couple of days I have been doing more blog reading than blog writing. I love discovering interesting people, websites and blogs through Twitter. Recently I have been paying as much attention to the design, sidebar elements and bios as the content on blogs. Mainly because I want to rework my blog soon - you know, when I get the time. ;)

But anyway, I was visiting the blog of someone* who I have followed on Twitter for a while. This mom does a ton of giveaways and reviews. On her Contact Us page was this:

"We love to share travel stories with our readers and frequently visit new destinations as a family. If you would like me and my family to visit your destination, I would be happy to share my travel experience with a large audience. You can learn more about some of our family travel by browsing through my travel posts."

I almost choked on my lemonade.

Are you serious? The first thing I thought was why am I wasting my time with the baby pictures when I should be writing travel posts?!! I love sharing travel stories as much as the next person. :)

For all of my friends out there I wonder, is your blog allowing you to review products and make ad money? Or, is it simply a creative outlet? Does either option work for you and why?

*I have not included the name to protect the innocent. Feel free to hit me up on Twitter @humpsNbump. We can be friends!

Worth a Thousand Words

2009-09-22T19:30:00.005-04:00

BABY trying out her highchair for the first time. Just before 5 months, was maybe a bit too early. She is clearly giving me a look here that says, "What the hell are you thinking mommy??!!"

Dear Belly Fat

2009-09-15T22:59:00.003-04:00

Dear Belly Fat,

It's been a long time since we last spoke. How are you?? Hope things are well.

You ran across my mind today. I was reminiscing about the years that we shared together. I just had to sit down and write you an overdue note. I haven't had time to write, but please know that you were always in my thoughts. I have always had a special place for you, Belly Fat, in my heart.

You see Belly Fat, we are BFFs. I've known you longer than most people! We shared a lot together. From baby fat to baby bump. You were there for me as long as I can remember. Elementary school, the prom, graduation - we shared some incredible moments together.

Even at my most athletic, when I turned my back on you in favour of sports and my first gym membership, you stayed by my side. You never let those training sessions, yoga classes, elliptical machines, or free weights get between us. They were never able to wear you down or wear away our connection.

Boyfriends came and went, but you stayed. School, work and play. Jobs, then internships, and the beginnings of my career. We became closer than ever - with our hold on each other growing stronger and stronger in the last few years. We shared many a sushi lunch, Mexican takeout and iced cream together. Remember those McCain Deep & Delicious nights we had? That was a blast wasn't it. Belly Fat, we had some great times hanging out.

People would be impressed by your loyalty, tenacity, perseverance Belly Fat. I am one of only a few people, I'm sure, who knows that side of you. Rolling with the punches.

And last year, when I found out that I was pregnant, you were there. During those early months, was it weird for you when people would rub you when I told them I was expecting?? Yeah they didn't know that there wasn't a baby bump there yet. But it's ok. They didn't mind touching you Belly Fat. I have to admit, that made me a little bit uncomfortable. I appreciated having you around, keeping my baby well insulated in the winter and providing amble room in the stomach area for me to grow into.

But Belly Fat, I have to be honest with you. This is tough for me to say so please bare with me. Although we have had some good times, I feel that we are moving in different directions. Belly Fat, I think that I need to move on. Now that I have had the baby - she's doing well by the way - I need to lose a few pounds.

Please do not be upset by what I am saying Belly Fat. It's not you, it's me. I have new goals - like fitting into my skinny jeans, being able to wear a bathing suit to mommy and me swimming, looking attractive in lingerie someday. Unfortunately I have to leave you behind.

Please don't try to contact me Belly Fat. I don't think that we can remain friends. The best thing that we can do it make a clean break. Go our separate ways, not looking back.

I will always remember and cherish the years that we spent together. I promise. Belly Fat, this is for the best. I wish you the best of luck in your future endeavors.

Sincerely,
humps

I Scream, You Scream

2009-09-10T21:41:00.002-04:00

I'm an emotional eater. I guess the first thing to do is admit you have a problem. I have a problem eating.

My vice is baked goods, but anything sweet will do. Chocolate. Cupcakes. Cake! During a regular day, in a regular week, at a regular time in my life I love eating. When I'm emotional, I need to eat. It's like drugs. For that reason I try NOT to keep junk food in the house - because if it's here I will eat it. But I do have a little stash of chocolate for those times when I NEED TO HAVE IT.

For the past few weeks, I've been getting down with the baked goods. We have been sharing intimate moments together at night when Baby is asleep. I have been packing more in the shopping cart under the warm breakfast cereal and prepared salad mix. A few have come along in the diaper bag for "on the go indulgences". Earlier this week I finished a whole box of Passion Flakies in just over 24 hours. That's 6 Passion Flakies people. On the weekend I had a big bowl of iced cream with peanut butter chocolate cookies on the side. Did you hear that? I had ice cream with a side of cookies!!

Today I went on a Meetup with a couple of new moms in downtown Toronto. We went to an Ice Cream shop - a really cute one in Leslieville named Cream The Urban Dairy. It was adorable. And I had a great time with the other new moms. Afterwards took a walk down Queen Street East to visit Kids On The Hip (for the first time) and Baby On The Hip (one of my favs).

It was great to have a nice outting. But I have to be completely honest here. I RSVP'd for the Meetup for the Ice Cream! I was thinking about the Ice Cream all day! Ok I was thinking about the Ice Cream yesterday too!

Could it be possible that I like sweet things more than I like people?! Naah!! Maybe...

So I decided that I need to get myself together. I am going to quit Ice Cream and baked goods for two weeks.

Cold turkey.

Because it is clearly a problem.

Hopefully after this short detox I will be back to my old self. Enjoying people, their babies, as much as I enjoy the desert.

~ humps.... that are getting bigger and bigger

Thank You

2009-09-07T19:54:00.003-04:00

This started as a comment response to my 99 Problems post but became so long that I had to turn it into a blog entry. :)

I wanted to say thank you so much to everyone who commented. I received a great amount of advice and support, that made me laugh and cry. It astonishes me whenever someone takes the time to click on 'Comment' and write to me. Honestly. I'm so happy that you found my small little space in this crazy thing that we call the Internet. I'm really, really lucky.

Writing this post and reading the comments has become therapy for me. The first step in a lot of steps that I needed to make. I'm not sure if I'm the only one to do this but I have seen myself completely ignore the situation - because talking about it, and writing about it on this blog would make it that much more real. It would be something that I wouldn't be able to ignore. It would be concrete. I know that once I do that it, I won't be able to go back to what it was.

So I didn't. And for a long time that was working for me. It's sort of like getting a bill in the mail. And if you wait a day or two before opening it, you can - just maybe - pretend it doesn't exist.

But I've left with this HUGE elephant in the room. It's ridiculous actually.

I'm not sure if much is going to change here. I will still share the crazy things that I am thinking and feeling while I watch my adorable bab girl grow. But I know how that this space can be an outlet for more of the things that I am feeling. No one's perfect. Neither are we.

Thanks again,
humps.... but you can call me Jenine

99 problems but the baby ain't one

2009-09-01T22:40:00.003-04:00

I have heeded the warnings. Do not drive while drunk. And even more, do not blog while pissed off. "What you say on the Internet will always come back to you," they say.

Honey girl, let me tell you.

If you've read a few posts from this blog you may have picked out a subtle but distinct element - a missing character. I don't talk about my daughter's father online and that's deliberate. There are many reasons for that. For one he's not really an "internet person" who doesn't understand blogging. We have what I like to describe as a strained relationship (ok it's worse than that) and he isn't apart of Baby's life right now. And the trials and tribulations that we go through are much easier to put behind me when they're not documented here.

I have been thinking a lot about all of this in the past couple of weeks. About what I'm going through "on that front" and the blog. And that's why I decided to write this post now. Because I'm torn.

I love this blog because what it has become. I started writing when I found out that I was having a baby. It was an outlet for me - even before a lot of my friends and family got the news - and allowed me to talk about my thoughts and feelings, joys and pains. And then people started reading it. I got to know some other moms that I have learned so much from. Now that I had my baby girl, I get to share more of the thoughts and feelings, joys and pains as a new mom. I get to document the little things along the way as she grows up. I would hate to poison that with all of the OTHER craziness. I don't want this space to be a rant. While looking back at what I have shared on this blog, I don't want to be reminded of those negative things that I am trying to forget about in my Real Life.

On the other hand, I want to be honest. I want to write like no one's reading. I don't want to hide behind a veneer of a perfect life. That has never been me and I don't want that to be the story that I tell. This isn't Sunny-Side-Up. This is just the part of my life that I actually want to talk about. I want to tell you that I have the best baby in the world, who when she wakes up doesn't cry. Instead, is so happy to see me that she gives me a big smile and waves her arms and legs. She is starting to laugh. I love watching her play and the special way that she examines her toys before putting them in her mouth. That's what I want to look back at.

But that's not everything. I am so sad for her. It makes me upset that we didn't have our shit together before she came into this world. Although her dad's an ass, I feel guilty. I want to protect her from that. I want her have the perfect life that she deserves. I have relationship issues, family issues, financial issues, work issues. But I have the best little girl ever. I don't know how that happened.

So there it is. My problems...

~ humps

Me the Medic

2009-08-20T23:53:00.003-04:00

Last night I had an amazing amount of mommy guilt. I also had mommy fear, mommy angst, mommy distress. I think I gave my baby girl a cold and I was paying the emotional price for it.

You see, last week I thought I picked up something. It could have been from the library, the playgroup that I went to, or the doctor's office. I'm leaning towards the later for reasons that I don't really have to explain to you. The next day I had an itchy throat which is always the first sign for me that a cold is a-brewing. I started operation Contain The Cold. It involved lots of oranges, limes with honey, ginger tea. I washed my hands even more frequently than I usually do. And as hard as it is, I tried to stay a safe distance away from "Baby". But there's only so much a mom can do when she's home with the baby all day, breastfeeds, and has a strong addiction to cuddling with adorable 3 month olds. I guess it was bound to happen.

The cold went through me in a few days. And then I heard it coming from her crib one morning this week - you would miss it if you weren't watching your sleeping baby like a crazy mother. It was there. Unmistakable. Her cough. She woke up with stuffed nose. But she had a big smile on her face.

It's hard for me to really say that she had a cold. Although she was coughing a little and had a stuffy nose, she was her usual happy self. She didn't seem to be sleeping any more than usual. She was breastfeeding just fine. It is obvious that I was way more occupied with it than she was. She didn't seem notice.

Last night my obsession reached a whole new level, admittedly. While baby was sleeping in her crib, as peaceful as can be, I heard that her nose was very stuffed. I was terrified. Terrified that somehow her nose would get so stuffed up that she won't be able to breathe. I couldn't go to sleep with her like that!! I stood there and watched her. I paced. I got all of the appropriate baby books off of the shelf and started to read them in the bathroom. (Well I couldn't wake everyone up with the lights!) I took her out of the crib and held her in the living room. I got out the first aid kit. At around 3:30 am started to read the instructions for the nasal aspirator. And then I went to it! Tried to relieve my poor baby girl of her congestion.

She woke up. Her eyes said it all. Why are you sticking this thing up my nose.

The nasal aspirator didn't really do much - mainly because there wasn't much to suction. Since I had the first aid kit out I took her temperature. She was fine. I was the one that was crazy. I nursed her and she went back to sleep.

I stayed up. Researching colds in babies, and listening to my sleeping baby breathe. Today she was perfectly fine. The nose has cleared up and she's coughed only a couple of times. It looks like the worst is behind us. Thank goodness it wasn't a full blown cold. Maybe tonight I'll get some rest. Or maybe I'll stay up just to be safe.... :)

~ humps

Caribana 2009

2009-08-06T23:26:00.003-04:00

I went to the Caribana parade last weekend with my cousin from Florida. "Baby" stayed at home - the first time she was without mommy for more than a few minutes - while I went gallivanting downtown. But I couldn't resist dressing her up in this outfit that my mother bought in Jamaica. You gotta represent!!

Simple Times

2009-07-31T01:17:00.003-04:00

When I was a kid I would spend most of my summers in Florida. My parents would ship me off to the extended family - grand aunts and uncles, cousins and family friends. My grandmother had a ton of younger brothers and sisters, and their kids were around my age. Going to Florida in the summer was sort of like going to Summer Camp or the cottage.

I had and still have much more family in Florida than anywhere else.

There were a handful of cousins that I was particularly close with. When I went back home to Toronto we kept in touch, in anticipation for when I would return.

Keeping in touch back then was different than keeping in touch is now. If you recall, 15-20 years ago there was no text messaging, or Twitter. We weren't on Facebook or Hotmail.

Keeping in touch meant that we would actually write letters to each other. I would receive a package in the mail from Florida that would have letters from my closest cousins (each with a unique take on what was happening in their lives and often expertly decorated), and accompanying the letter would be pictures, postcards, other memorabilia. Once I even received a cassette tape (remember thoses?) that had meaningful songs. Their voice chimed with a greeting in when I popped the tape into my stereo.

My responses always took much longer. I wrote individual letters to each person - looking for a new way to rehash my stories. Reminiscing about the "inside jokes" that we had. If you were boy crazy I would talk about my latest crush at school, if you were into music I would tell about the concerts coming up in Toronto. I would try to put a lot into my responses.

But like everything, time changes things. Growing up, moving on. So much has happened to all of us since those days. Graduations, weddings, careers, children. I went to Florida to be a Bridesmaid in one of my cousins weddings not to long ago, and now she has two children. I have a little one myself.

We do try to keep in touch - emailing, texting, long distance phone calls - when we find the time. I don't get to visit everyone in Florida as often as I'd like to.

This weekend, one of my favorite cousins is coming up to visit. This is the first time that she is meeting the baby. (I can't begin to tell you how excited she was for us when I broke the news that I was expecting.)

So although I won't be able to go to Florida this summer, like I used to, I'll have a little bit of Florida up here with me.

~ humps

In the Kitchen

2009-07-23T16:38:00.003-04:00

I used to love cooking. Sometimes it would start off as a recipe, other times a dish was inspired by an ingredient. What I loved most was cooking for others - having someone pleasantly surprised by my food. I love cooking mainly because I love entertaining. Putting together a great meal, and delicious desert, a signature drink - maybe some great wine - was part of that experience. I used to love cooking.

Do you notice that I speak of that in the past tense? That was me BEFORE I had a baby. Now there are no quaint dinner parties. No intriguing conversation over a glass, or two, of Merlot. Hell it's 5:00 pm and I'm still in my pajamas. I am online instead of doing the laundry that is piling up in my living room. If anyone wanted to come over now I would freak the hell out.

I don't cook anymore. I hardly spend anytime in the kitchen. I go to the kitchen to get something from the fridge - hopefully something that I can eat with one hand while nursing "Baby", or playing with her, or rocking her to sleep. If I could eat said item while changing a diaper that would be great too.

In my world for the past three months since "Baby" has been in our lives, I have reinvented what cooking means to me - boiling. Since I never really know if the little one is napping for more than a few minutes, I never really know if I will have to abort the cooking process. I don't invest time in getting that cooking thing started. If it can't be boiled then it's not for me.

But this week I decided that I needed to get back in the kitchen. Maybe experiment with something one step up from boiling. Tonight I am making vegetable LASAGNA. Yes boiling is involved which is great. There also chopping, the lasagna assembly, and the baking. But since I can start and stop those things at a moment's notice, I'm ok with this. You would be impressed.

However, like all new mommies, I ain't no fool. I no I am not. I made so much Lasagna that I'm freezing a whole pan of it. We will have so much Lasagna in this place that I won't have to cook for weeks. Why? Because I USED to love cooking.

~ humps

Censorship

2009-07-15T15:07:00.003-04:00

It's been a while since I blogged. In addition to having a mountain of internet issues, I also came down with a tooth infection that had me cowling in bed for a while. My addiction to Orajel wasn't pretty.

But now I'm back on solid foods and back to the blog.

I've had this story to share for a while now that I've been dying to get out. A few weeks ago I was at a cousin's barbecue. Like most family gatherings there was no shortage of young kids running around and getting into trouble.

At one point in the day, I was upstairs in a bedroom changing and nursing "Baby" while the little kids in the house were in the hallway playing. It was easy for them to forget that I was there as they busied themselves with their games.

I was - for the most part - minding my business, when one of the kids started to sing songs. Not lullabies or nursery rhymes but radio hits. Think top ten on BET. It was innocent enough at first I guess. I thought about those YouTube videos that you would see of little kids dancing to music videos, or something. Until....

Until a little one - maybe around five years old - starting singing a new song call "Birthday Sex"!! And all the little kids joined in.

I was holding my two month old baby while a chorus of kindergartners where singing BIRTHDAY SEX, BIRTHDAY SEX in stereo outside of the room! My heart stopped beating, my body was convulsing and I think I threw up in my mouth a little. Then I froze.

After my life flashed before my eyes for a moment, I gathered myself and Baby and stormed out of the room - trying my best to be an intimidating parent. (I had no idea what to do.) They ran.

That was the exact moment that I decided that there would be full censorship in my own for "Baby". Poor girl. No radio. No MTV, VH1, BET, MuchMusic. No chance that I will catch her 5 year old self singing the next version of BIRTHDAY SEX, BIRTHDAY SEX while shaking her little booty. I don't care if she doesn't understand. That can't be good?! Can it?!!!

Call me Castro but our house is not a democracy. It is a full dictatorship and I'm in charge. You don't get a vote, little one. What I says goes. Period. End of story. At least while you're under my roof.

It all started when you were two months old.

XOXO humps

On The Move!

2009-07-13T21:49:00.005-04:00

XOXOX humps

Desperate

2009-07-04T18:11:00.003-04:00

I'm online!! My prayers have been answered. If you were to see me now, you would know how desperate I am.

I am able to connect to the internet through a wired connection to my modem. (For some reason my wireless router isn't really working out.) The wire is MAYBE two feet. I'm sprawled out on the carpet of my living room, manuals and laptop "stuff" EVERYWHERE. Baby is sleeping in her Quinny Bassinet. I am in stained track pants. I really should be taking a shower on not on the floor trying to get online. You would shake your head at me right now.

I'm really hoping to at the very least get through some emails!

Thank you Jesus. Internet.

~ humps

When the Internet fails you...

2009-06-28T17:01:00.003-04:00

My Internet is down, and hence the lack of activity on this blog. For some reason I just can't get online! So here am I on my mother's computer trying to get caught up on over a week's worth of emails, blog reading and writing, and the rest of the frivolous things that I do online that now are SO DAMN IMPORTANT. And just so happened that the week my computer decided to flake out Michael Jackson died! There's so much that I want to say, I'll have to save it for another post at another time.

I couldn't come back to this blog without talking about how much I missed it. Can someone tell me how I / we / everyone has become so addicted to the Internet? When there's a black out you break out some candles and have a lazy day. When your computer doesn't connect there's a whole new physical reaction. It's easier for me to deal with a blackout than no Internet! Even with a two month old baby keeping me busy - and happy - I would walk by my laptop, with dark screen, and feel loss. I yearned for the Internet.

And here was my week...

Tuesday "Denial" - I rebooted my computer all day on Tuesday hoping that somehow, the little connectors inside would fix themselves, remembering how much fun I had online just the day before. How could this be?!?!?!

Wednesday "Physical and Emotional Pain" - Maybe I did have a computer problem. I ached and ached for my computer. For my email accounts. For Twitter. For Blogger. For iGoogle. For Facebook. The pain.

Thursday "Adjust to Living Without" - I decided to pick myself up. There are people all over the world that don't have the Internet. I can do this!!

Friday "Allow Yourself to Move On" - I only rebooted my computer twice on Friday - you know, just in case. I continued to learn to move on. I actually used the Yellow Pages - the real offline version - for the first time in years.

Saturday "Start Living Again" - I completely computer-free day. And it felt great.

Being computer-less for the week has not COMPLETELY sucked. Well it did but I dealt with it in my own unique way. :)

More from the mind of "humps" soon.

XOXOX

The Lost Post

2009-06-17T13:29:00.002-04:00

Yesterday, I felt inspired. I took some time out while reading my emails on someone else's computer to write a blog post. It was written in a word program so that I wouldn't use up much more of the already slow internet connection.

I wandered away from the computer to check on Baby, when the thing decided to restart itself. With no auto save, my blog post was gone. Lost. Forever.

I assure you that it was a great post. Reflective and honest. Full of wit. I spoke of my past and looked ahead at my future. You would have loved that post. And I know that if I try to rewrite it, it just won't be the same.

So instead I would like to dedicate this space to all the lost blog posts, short stories, reports, speeches, anything written anywhere that due to technical malfunctions were lost. Those written masterpieces that left us before their time. Before they were able to be truly loved, honored and appreciated. Please feel free to comment about your experiences as well. That way they may live on.

In mourning,
~ humps

Wrapped Around Her Finger

2009-06-09T23:30:00.003-04:00

I have a new baby. She's just over 6 weeks. She's adorable.

She has me wrapped around her little finger. She is playing me real good.

She is a good baby who cries when she's wet or hungry but really doesn't cry that much. She sleeps well. When she's awake is so bright and alert. She smiles and laughs. Moves her head from side to side. She swats at things and grabs hold. On her stomach she pushes up with her arms and kicks her legs like she can't wait to be mobile. My six week old thinks she should crawl. Now.

During the daytime I sing her songs. Some of them are children's songs that I remember from my youth albeit with a few made up lyrics, others are originals written just for her. To be honest, most of the songs I sing are Christmas carols, because I know much more of them than children's songs. (Hey, I'm new at this whole mom thing).

When we are not singing, reading stories, playing, nursing, Baby puts her head into my chest and falls asleep.

But as I said earlier she has me wrapped around her little finger. She is playing me real good.

You see this child of mine has decided that she doesn't like typical sleeping arrangements. If I put her down in her crib or bassinet she is awake in minutes. So I pick her up, hold her against my chest and rock her to sleep. I try again. In five minutes I am picking her up, holding her against my chest and rocking her sleep.

She has me wrapped around her little finger. She is playing me real good.

So we sit in the comfy chair that I have in the living room of our condo and I come up with a plan. Not the plan that I should be coming up with as a parent to correct this behaviour. Oh no. I plan what I will during the five minutes that she's asleep in her crib. I prioritize those things like getting something from the fridge and going to the washroom. I plan a route throughout the condo to maximize the time.

And when she cries I always pick her up, hold her against my chest and rock her to sleep. She has me wrapped around her little finger.

Baby's First Charity Event

2009-05-31T23:10:00.005-04:00

This is a public declaration of what an AWESOME little princess I have.

As a bit of background, I am a self-proclaimed workaholic who has been know to test the limits of my own ambition. It could be because I work in Public Relations, maybe. It could be because I'm nuts. I have a tendency to take on a lot.

Well before I was preggers I was working on a charity event - a walk fundraiser to raise money to place Dog Guides with people who have disabilities. These are more than the seeing-eye dogs that you are probably familiar with. The organization that we were supporting, helps people are visually impaired as well as people who are deaf (with hearing ear dogs) or physically disabled (with special skills dogs). Check out their site.

Anyway, I was so vested in making it come to fruition that I signed on as the Volunteer Committee Chair to head up a group of local volunteers in my "spare time". And then there was baby. Because God is a comedian, she was scheduled to join us on earth before the first annual charity event.

So what's a mom to do? I couldn't NOT help with the event. Although I was MIA for the weeks after I had the Baby, the team and my co-chair did an amazing job of pulling everything together. I got back into it this last week to help as much as I could.

And today I brought Baby to her first ever charity event - at the ripe age of 5 weeks.

Baby was amazing. I am astonished, grateful, impressed that she was so good the entire day. We arrived at the venue at 7:30 am and left at 2:30 pm. I really wanted her there with me throughout the day, because I'm breast feeding and not ready to put her on a bottle. The great new is that Baby was perfect throughout the 7 hour day. She didn't cry once and was amazing!!

We worked out some of the logistics beforehand. I had an office designated as baby zone for changing, feeding and quiet time where we could sneak away every few hours. We brought her stroller (the Quinny Buzz base and Maxi Cosi car seat) and our carrier. I know that she could sleep for ages in her car seat and the carrier was invaluable for when she was awake. I loved keeping her close to me but having the flexibility and free hands to take care of other things.

It was a great day. We raised over $25,000 (the final numbers are still being tabulated) and Baby stole the show. We had hundreds of people cooing over her. She loved the attention. I, personally, couldn't be happier.

~ humps

Baby's Photo Shoot

2009-05-22T23:25:00.007-04:00

When I look at our daughter I wish I could stop time. She will be one month old in a few days and she is already growing too fast! Not only do I admit to watching her sleep – imagining her at 6 months, 1 year, 6 years, 16 – I also take the little spare time when she is asleep to pour over pictures and video. Pictures are the closest thing to stopping time.

Two weeks ago, for Mother’s Day weekend, we had a photographer take Baby’s first professional pictures. She was just over two weeks ago, and it was the best possible way for me to celebrate being a mom. I was also so fortunate to be able to share the experience with my mom and my grandmother. We took the opportunity to have a picture taken with four generations of women – my daughter, myself, her grandmother and her great-grandmother.

Malinda at Studio DPI made the photo shoot experience so relaxed, easy going and comfortable for us. She stayed at our house for over two hours, to capture of a variety of shots. Her experience working with newborns really paid off. She knew when to rest, try something new and when to take a little break for cuddles. (When Baby peed on me I didn’t feel like THAT MUCH of an idiot). It was a pleasure working with someone who was so patient, creative, passionate and talented.

I had a chance to get to know Malinda through our blogs months before Baby came to us. I encourage you to check out her website and blog.

My advice for people looking to take professional pictures of your newborn:
1. Style: Get to know your photographer’s style and personality beforehand by looking at his/her portfolio and talking with one another. A good rapport helps!
2. Experience: Ask if the photographer has worked with newborns before. You will likely have a more positive experience on the day of and more variety in the shots.
3. Comfort: Consider an on location shoot at your home for very young babies. You may feel more comfortable in familiar surroundings. And you also don’t have to lug the little one across town!!
4. Timing: I was very lucky to have a photographer who was very flexible in scheduling the photo shoot. Since you never know when the baby will arrive, we held off on confirming a date and time until she was born.

Here are a couple of my favorite pictures from the shoot.

Ode to Breastfeeding

2009-05-17T18:27:00.003-04:00

I have a number of friends that chose to formula feed their little ones for a variety of reasons. I myself, have just proclaimed that I love breastfeeding. Yes. I said it. I. Love. Breastfeeding.

Not for all the reasons that they mention in the baby books. Not because of the incredible bonding that Baby and I have when she's nursing. Not because of the added nutritional value of mother's milk. While those are all well and good, I love breastfeeding for the convenience. I love breastfeeding because I am LAZY.

When Baby cries that very special cry that means, "I want food NOW" there is nothing better than just pulling out a boob to feed. I just have to unbutton my shirt - if that!! We don't worry about bottle sterilizing, formula mixing, milk heating. With the learning curve of breastfeeding, I overcame latch issues, cracking and bleeding nipples, tons of lanolin cream to nurse. It wasn't easy. But to all the mother's out there I have to tell you to stick with it. It's like a small victory when Baby and I sit down to feed.

So much so that I wanted to write an "Ode to Breastfeeding". I thought at first this tribute should be in the form of a poem. But my poetry experience is limited. It would have started with, "There's once was a girl from Nantucket..." So I decided to write a song instead. I hope you enjoy it.

In the rhythm of Single Ladies by Beyonce....

All the savvy mommies, all the savvy mommies
All the happy mommies, all the happy mommies
All the lazy mommies, all the lazy mommies

Now put your hands up if
It's late at night, have sleep in sight
And a baby that just dozed off
Climbing into bed, to rest your head
But the baby is starting to wail!
Don't pay it any attention
Pull it out your boob, there's some good food
And your baby's quiet in no time.

[Chorus] Cuz if you're lazy than you shoulda stuck with breastfeeding
If you're lazy than you shoulda stuck with breastfeeding
Don't be mad cus I'm chillin when the baby's eating
If you're lazy than you shoulda stuck with breastfeeding.

wo oh ooh oh oh ooh oh oh ooh oh oh oh
wo oh ooh oh oh ooh oh oh ooh oh oh oh

Keep or Toss?

2009-05-06T20:36:00.002-04:00

I’m an only child. (I can see your face now… I’m not as bad as you think I am. LOL) Importantly, I’m an only child that has just given my parents their first grandchild. She will be more spoiled than I ever was.

My mother is particularly excited about the new member of the family. During my pregnancy – although I was terrified of telling her originally, being unmarried and all – she has been so amazingly supportive. We poured over my baby books and little milestones, looked at my miniature baby clothes that she kept (for nearly 30 years!), drunk in albums of baby pictures. My mom has kept so many little mementos of my coming of age, from the first greeting cards welcoming me to the world, to sachets of baby teeth and school achievements. She kept everything.

My mom was staying with us last week to help transition our life to that “with baby.” She was with me the day that Baby’s umbilical cord stump fell off. Just I was walking over to chuck the dried up little thing into the garbage my mother asked I was going to keep it. Keep it?! Apparently my mother has kept my umbilical cord stump. Yeah, I know. Crazy!!

I elected not to during that moment. And since then have started to think about the kind of hoarder – or should I say curator – that I will be as a mom. I’m already become one of those moms who takes a billion and one pictures. I even took pictures during Baby’s first visit to the doctor’s office. I’ve already saved her first greeting cards and the cards from the baby shower. Will I also be the mom who is shopping for keepsake boxes for all of my little girl’s tossed items or those things that remind me of her many milestones?

Parents – have you found yourself holding onto your children’s things that you never thought you would. How do you draw the line between the must keeps and must go’s? Is there a line or as parents we have free range to be as “kooky” as ever?

~ humps

A lot happens in a week...

2009-05-02T15:27:00.006-04:00

Baby is just the most adorable thing we've ever seen. I'm a bit biased - I know. But you gotta love these!

The Birth Story

2009-05-02T15:20:00.003-04:00

I will be one of those moms who remind their offspring, during moments of frustration and exasperation, that they carried their kids for almost 10 months, was put through the most brutal of labors and had to walk up hill – both ways – to the hospital. And except for the walking part, it’s all sorta true.

It was Thursday morning – almost five days past my due date – when the contractions started to become that very special kind of unbearable that means the baby’s coming, the baby’s coming! Considering that I was having contractions for over a week, with no progress, I didn’t want to jump to any conclusions. Out came the stopwatch. We tried to determine if this was the real deal.

By about 2:30 am in the morning, the time was going by slowly and the pain was coming on forcefully, and the contractions were a steady five minutes apart. We headed to the hospital, but disappointedly after getting prodded, I was send home for being just a little bit dilated.

I was upset, angry, disappointed when we returned home. I was also still contracting, in pain and exhausted. I tried to go back to sleep. But it wasn’t over. Not more than half an hour later the hold of the contractions started to get stronger. Why didn’t anyone tell me it would feel like this? I liken it to someone taking a pitchfork to my stomach and torturing me slowly. No matter what I did the pain kept intensifying. By 5:30 am I was breaking out the phone number for the hospital. So what if I was there just over an hour ago. We needed to determine what my options were.

The options - I could come back to be reassessed, and potentially be given pain medication if I couldn’t handle natural “coping techniques” and labor still wasn’t progressing. We labored at home for the next few hours, trying those “coping techniques” that the nurses suggested – another shower, a bath, different positions. I was still spending a whole lot of time curled up on the bathroom floor screaming bloody murder. We were at back in the hospital triage by 9:00 am.

This time I was 2, nearly 3 cm, dilated. “I told you this was real!!” I was going to be admitted, but they didn’t have a free bed at the time. And there were 2 other moms, ahead of me. I was asked to walk the floor and check back every 30 minutes to have the baby’s heart rate monitored. They would do what they could to get me in, but there was no telling how long the current deliveries would take.

Half an hour, turned into hours. Lunch and dinner came and passed. I was in excruciating back labor that wouldn’t give me a break. The two moms ahead of me were settled into their rooms and every time I felt that I was closer to getting in, and importantly getting the epidural, a mom was whisked in, in full blown labor that was further progressed than I was, and I was put on the backburner. My favourite example was a mom who came into triage in a flurry and put in the bed beside me. We were separated by the flimsy curtain. She was in labor for an hour, with her fourth child. Oh boy! She was over 7 cms dilated!! After one hour. "Sure you can have my room."

I was finally settled into my room around 8:00 pm, nearly 12 hours after coming into the hospital for the second time. Despite the walking I was only 4 cm – the gravity wasn’t really doing the trick and I was exhausted. The epidural followed. My water was broken soon after that. I was also given Pitocin when the contractions started to slow down. I used the next few, relatively pain free hours to get some rest – taking naps, doing Sudoku on Nintendo DS. I was so happy with the epidural that I was going to name my first born child after it. Epi for a girl, Dural for a boy. :)

I woke up just after 1:00 am when I started to feel the contractions and pressure. I was almost 10 cm dilated and it was time to do the hard work. Pushing wasn’t as bad as I thought it would be. I attribute that to my birth preparation – lots of episodes of the Baby Story on TLC. I was apparently a text book pusher. I knew that I had a hidden talent. Baby was born after less then 20 minutes of pushing.

She was born with a head full of silky, curly hair. She laid on my chest after 24 hours of labor and seemed so serene and calm. We were in love with her. She was perfect.

To protect the innocent, and avoid future psychiatric bills, I won’t reveal her name on this blog. She will be referred from here on out as “Baby”. See how simple I make it for all of you.

It’s been a week of pure baby-loving! I just can’t get enough of our little girl. She has completely melted our hearts. I am overwhelmed with how much I love her. Is this feeling normal??

It's A Girl!

2009-04-26T12:01:00.004-04:00

Welcome to the world.

Will blog about the birth and new baby soon, but wanted to share the good news with all of my blog friends. Stay tuned for more.

XOXO humps + baby

Lullaby

2009-04-20T15:29:00.004-04:00

It’s Monday and we are now two days overdue. While it’s a shame that we haven’t had a chance to meet the baby yet, I don’t want to rush the time away. The little one will get here when he / she is suppose to. So now, I’ve got some time on my hands…

Our condo building has great amenities. While I’m on mat leave, waiting for the little one to arrive, I’m taking advantage of it. Earlier today, spent some time doing laps at the pool and hung out in the “library” browsing through a stack of magazines.

As I was sitting there in a comfy leather chairs by myself, I started talking to the baby. I thought – with the great acoustics in the room – that I should start practicing some lullabies. The problem is, I don’t know the words to any lullabies.

My first attempt sounded something like this:

Hush little baby don’t say a word
Mamma’s gonna buy you a mocking bird
And if that mocking bird don’t sing
Mamma’s gonna buy you a diamond ring
And if that diamond ring don’t shine….
… don’t shine… umm..
Mamma’s gonna buy herself a bottle of wine
And if that bottle of wine tastes funny
It’s too bad ‘cus mamma’s out of money.

I’ll have to brush up on my lullabies before the baby gets here. :(

~ humps

Reassurance

2009-04-18T10:57:00.001-04:00

"An amazing 75 per cent of babies are born after their due dates, so don't panic if you're still waiting. Though it may seem as if your baby is stubbornly refusing to leave your cosy womb, a few studies have found that most overdue babies aren't late at all — their due dates were miscalculated."

Thank you BabyCenter.ca.

What's Your Sign??

2009-04-18T00:00:00.003-04:00

My due date is tomorrow April 18th. I know that the likelihood of delivering on my exact due date is slim - less than 10%. I’m also not really seeing any of the early labor signs, so we may be waiting for a while...

In the meantime, I flock to the internet to look at some entertaining horoscopes. While I’m not too much of an astrology fanatic, I think that it can have some on personality. And if not, it’s a lot of fun.

When Dad-to-be and I calculated our due date originally we were excited about the possibility of having an Aries baby. He is an Aries, born at the beginning of April. Also my mom is an Aries, born at the end of March. There are a lot of March / April people around me. I think that I’ve learned to deal with the unique personality of the Ram.

But the Aries sign is said to be from March 21st to April 20th. We’re sitting right at the cusp between Aries and Taurus. So having the baby next week puts us in a new category. Of course, I had to do a little bit of research.

Here’s a short overview of the two signs from Australian website Allbaby:

Aries: March 21st – April 20th
Symbol: The Ram
Ruling Planet: Mars (God of War)
Element: Fire
Gemstone: Diamond
Colour: Deep Red
Personality & Characteristics of your Baby Aries:
Those born under the sign of Aries are determined, strong willed and have all the signs of becoming a great leader. They are full of energy and love to be active, generally doing everything with lots of enthusiasm. They are loving and affectionate and can be a source of inspiration to those around them. They are often early developers and love to learn through imaginative play. Aries can be competitive, stubborn and impatient and when challenged will stand their ground very firmly.

Taurus: April 21st – May 21st
Symbol: The Bull
Ruling Planet: Venus (Roman God of Love)
Element: Earth
Gemstone: Topaz
Colour: Yellow
Personality & Characteristics of your Baby Taurus:
Those born under the sign of Taurus are generous yet determined and strong willed. They tend to think about things before they say them, coming across as conservative; don’t be fooled they can be very persistent and headstrong when needed. They are quiet and gentle and can be very clingy. They are often late developers, happy to sit and take in the world around them. A Taurus baby will be musical with many talents in different areas, especially creative ones.

With the baby really “chilling” in my body right now, being quite conservative with labor and being very clingy, I think he or she is displaying some signs of being a Taurus baby. I guess the next few days will tell.

For more baby horoscopes you can check out:
- Parents.com
- BabyZone.com
- Justhoroscopes.com (check out the Baby drop down on the right side)

My Makeover

2009-04-16T19:06:00.005-04:00

Well now that I’m off work and waiting for the baby to arrive, I have a ton of time on my hands. Most of my day is spent sitting on my ass and rubbing my belly – trying to determine if the “contractions” that I’m feeling are getting any stronger. I say “contractions” because I’m not even sure at this point if that’s what they are.

In addition to wandering around the condo, I have also had a lot more time to brush up on my baby books, surf the net and visit blogs. I’ve come to the realization that my blog was seriously lacking design-wise. I was still sporting my original Blogger template.

If you’ve dropped by Humps and Baby Bump over the last 24 hours, you may have seen a few different layouts that I’ve been trying on for size. Like any outfit, you just can’t tell if it’s bringing out your positives until you get it into the change room.

This template that I’m rocking now is my favourite. I downloaded for FREE from Deluxe Templates. You know this mommy is on a budget! Although it’s a lot darker than my previous layout, there’s lots of great options that I have with it. I love that it’s a simple design, I can replace my Humps and Baby Bump header with a unique image once I get that far, and there’s room to grow with sub-pages. Lots of space automatically built in for advertising if I ever decide to turn the Google AdSense on. It’s also the best one that I found to incorporate the sidebar elements that I become attached to on my previous layout. Surprisingly not all layouts make that easy.

Now the most important part – what do you guys think? I still have to work out some bugs, which are directly related to how much I suck on the HTML stuff but with that in mind, is the layout a keeper??

~ humps

Labor in 140 characters or less.

2009-04-15T00:41:00.002-04:00

It was the summer of 2008 that I started this baby blog. The pee wasn’t even dry on the stick before my mind was racing. Something about the complete unknown that was / is pregnancy, parenting, babies that made for some interesting internal commentary and questions. (And lots of hysterics!) Blogging, like a public diary, was an outlet to talk about what I was thinking and feeling before I was able to let friends and family in on the news. Surprisingly, blogging has done much more for me than I thought it would.

Through humpsNbumps I have been able to connect with mommy bloggers of all kinds. I have been uplifted, encouraged, inspired by the people that I have meet through this blog, by visiting theirs, through the increasing network of people I meet on Twitter.

I was still a baby to Twitter when one of the mothers that I follow twittered her birth.

I had hardly known much about her – apart from the 140 character bio, witty name, thumbnail picture. I hadn’t even gotten around to visiting the blog that she had listed. But with each tweet I was more and more enthralled. It was almost like watching a high speed chase on TV. You’re just as exhilarated and excited, you want to look away but you can’t, you’re stuck, watching the twists and turns, anticipating the next move… all from the comfort of your Lazy Boy. A safe distance back.

While the tweets were short and vague – I mean come on she is in labor! – it was just enough to leave you at the edge of your seat. When it was all over I wiped the sweat from my brow and went to get a cold drink. “Now this is what I’m talking about.”

Since my Twitter account consists mostly of mommy bloggers, I have had the great fortune of following a few different Twitter birth experiences. They all vary significantly. Some are just quick messages during key milestones, others fairly regular tweets. This was just before Erika Badu made headlines on entertainment news outlets for Twittering her home birth. (More information here). In preparation for this post I learned of Jason Morrison and his wife, Ann who Twittered the birth of their child and Paul and Annamarie Saarinen who shared their birth experience on Twitter, through the video-streaming site UStream.TV and posted pictures Flickr .

Also check out this BabyCenter article on Video-streaming and Twittering birth events.

For someone who doesn’t want any audio visual recording devises in the delivery room what-so-ever (almost sounds like I’m talking to Dad-to-be right now), I do want my cell phone close by. I just enabled the Twitter text feature on my phone. While I can’t promise a full blown play-by-play, I look forward to sending an update or two to my blog family via Twitter. So many of which have been counting down the days with me and sharing in my ups and downs.

Perhaps it is a bit ambitious. Who knows. How do you feel about Twitter in the delivery room??

Still No Baby - 6 days to go!

2009-04-13T09:09:00.000-04:00

Although some of the friends and family were hoping for the baby to arrive over the long weekend, still no little munchkin. We're now down to the last six days. I've felt over the last month that I would be early, but there's a real good chance that I'll be late.

Have I felt anything? I have no idea. Haven't had any pre-pregnancy symptoms that we read about. At the same time, I don't really know what I'm suppose to be feeling...

Belly Bump III: Like Woah!

2009-04-07T21:15:00.000-04:00

It’s the final stretch – in more ways than one. The little bundle of goodness is due in less than 2 weeks on April 18. And I’m feeling, looking down at bump before me, that I really can’t get any bigger than I am at this exact moment. *pause for effect*

Just before starting this post I looked back to the previous two bumps pictures that I posted on the blog from week 25, and from week 28. For today’s pictures that are posted below I am wearing the same sweater as my first bump picture so it should give you a good point of comparison. Who knows where that black tank top is at the moment.

Since I haven’t posted a bump picture in a while, I should tell you that most of this gain has happened in the last 4 weeks. I – or we – had a big growth spurt. I’ve found myself, walking by reflective surfaces, not recognizing my body. It’s like woah, where did that come from? The belly moves so often and with such intensity that I don’t even feel like it’s mine. Its just my skin on loan to the baby until he or she is ready to give it up.

I’m still pretty compact, mostly gaining in the big ball that is hanging in front of me – and my nose. :) While its looks like I’m carrying high in the pictures, I have actually dropped in the last couple of days - the bump was crowding my rib cage before. I’m still pretty mobile and flexible. I can still touch my toes. I do have to hold my stomach to move from side-to-side in bed.

So check out the pictures… scary huh. Puts whole new meaning to humps and bump. ;)

And kabamm!! The side profile. This is what really tells the story that I am 38 weeks and 3 days. Just so you know I wore this to run errands and grocery shop this afternoon with my black trench, black rain boots and a scarf. (Just so you know the errands included a double cheeseburger.)

XOXOX humps.

First Day of Mat Leave

2009-04-06T23:29:00.000-04:00

Today was the first day of my maternity leave. And because I have a special relationship with the big guy above, it was also the best possible day to stay home from work; a nice little April snow storm in Toronto. Yeah I know… snow!

So I woke up in the morning and ate breakfast, looking out the window at the snow globe outside of the condo window, watching the city beginning its week, hearing the groaning from commuters near and far, and feeling really damn good that I didn’t have to go anywhere. The errands that I had, the list that I created to get me through this week was easily slipped back into the purse. I’ll get to that stuff tomorrow.

Instead of getting dressed and hitting the road, I took a more leisurely approach to the day – full of domestic activities – cleaning the bathroom and kitchen, doing laundry, organizing more of the baby clothes. I also watched daytime television, spent some time online looking for a photographer for the baby’s first pictures, tried to catch up on my fav mommy blogs.

Day 1 of maternity leave down.

The Baby Time Show

2009-04-05T21:22:00.000-04:00

Yesterday my mom and I made our way to the International Centre near Toronto’s Pearson Airport for the Baby Time Show. It’s a tradeshow-style 3 day event that happens twice a year. It was my first baby show.

Since my mom had an appointment in the morning, we didn’t arrive as early as I wanted. It wasn’t until around 2:15 pm that we made it past admissions. (More on the why it took so long below). By that point, I missed the cloth diapering seminar that I was interested in, and the Quinny Fashion Show. Although we arrived at the main stage not long after getting there, I expected to catch the tail-end of it. There was no sign that it even happened! Can someone tell me if this was a 10 minute show or something??

But I digress… The event. We spent the rest of the afternoon – until after 5:00 pm navigating our way through exhibitor booths, and purchasing a few things. That included a few pregnant momma rests and potty breaks. Overall the day had some positives and negatives. Thought I’d share my thoughts with blog-land.

On a positive note, the Baby Time Show was a great opportunity to see a number of different exhibitors, including baby retailers large and small, baby gear manufacturers large and small, and a whole lot of services. I had a chance to ask questions and get advice from a few of the booths that we stopped at.

However, since I am only 2 weeks away from my due date, it wasn’t the most beneficial for me. I would recommend the show for someone earlier in the pregnancy, as an opportunity to do a little bit of research. Definitely check it out before you start your baby registries. There were great offers from The Bay, Sears, Babies R US for moms who started their registry at the event. A few other booths, like Savvymom.ca had great giveaway contests for dream nurseries and other stuff. Luckily I already signed up online here.

I went to the event looking for more info and advice on cloth diapers, but was disappointed that there didn’t seem to be more than 2 or 3 exhibitors – either cloth diaper manufacturer or retailers. I was also hoping to score an amazing deal on photography. My dream of being “discovered” while walking the street and getting a great offer for some free shots, hasn’t quite materialized. And I really want to book a photographer for the baby’s first pictures. I did pick up a few cards from photographers at the show that I’ll have to look into further.

And now the “negatives”: Probably no fault of the Baby Time Show, maybe more of the International Centre’s. It was a logistical nightmare getting into the show. The International Centre seemed to have a few different tradeshows happening this weekend and the parking situation was a nightmare. As my mom and I were approaching the centre on Airport Road, the backup of traffic was crazy. Blocks of cars were waiting to get into the main driveway. As we got closer we saw the “Lot Full” signage. They seemed to be letting in one car for every car that was leaving. Most people were turning around and looking for street parking or free parking lots at the businesses a few blocks away.

Now as you know, I’m 38 weeks pregnant. And while I feel great, in great shape and pretty mobile all things considered, the last thing that I wanted to do was walk. I did think at that very moment, looking up at the “Lot Full” sign, that we should turn around and head home. We ended up finding a parking lot nearby and walking in. To my dismay, as we were approaching the side of the building where the Baby Time Show was held, there are spots all over the place. After I freaking walked my fat butt blocks to get there. Do they not know their audience?!

And for an event that charged $15 admission, I didn’t think that there were the deals or free stuff to make it worth it. The whole idea of paying admission to a place where people were trying to sell us things, was counter-intuitive. I opened my wallet with expectations that the show organizers really had to impress me. With a few exhibitors selling their merchandise without tax or similar types of minimal “show specials”, it wasn’t really impressive. Here are a few pictures of the “swag” that we picked up and despite all the reuseable bags that I received, and a few magazines, I really could have done without the other “freebies”.

So for ways to spend a Saturday afternoon pre-baby it gets a 2 out 5. I should have used that $15 for a manicure.

The Big Day – leaving work

2009-04-04T10:10:00.000-04:00

April 3rd was probably as deeply etched into my mind as the baby’s due date – April 18th. I was counting down to April 3rd for weeks. Months even. As soon as I made the decision to leave work two weeks before my due date, I started to anticipate the arrival of THIS Big Day.

And here in Canada where moms are encouraged to take 1 year maternity + parental leave, I head out the door knowing that I won’t be back until this time next year. A full 12 months of bonding with the baby. My job will be waiting for me when I get back.

You would think that I was doing the electric slide out of the door! Or the hustle. Surprisingly it was a day with mixed emotions. I am a workaholic – undeniably. And what makes the matter worse is that I really do love what I do. I love my job, I love the company that I work for, and for the most part I love the people that I work with. Being a workaholic for my whole adult life (I started my career fairly young) my work is also a large part of my identity. It’s more than a 9-5 for me.

I was leaving the comfortable environment of my career – something that I wrap around myself like a blanket – for the unknown, challenging, not-sure-if-I-can-cut-this world of mommy-hood. I don’t know what to expect with the next stage of my life. I don’t have control anymore. This terrifies me.

I left the office yesterday feeling relieved that work was behind me, encouraged about the new time I will have to unwind and get organized, and scared shit-less about new journey. Most of all I have no idea what to do with myself. I cried a little on the highway.

So now it’s official. There’s no turning back. Here comes the baby.

~ humps

Only three weeks to go – if that

2009-03-29T16:42:00.000-04:00

Time flies. For those of you who read this blog semi-regularly, sorry that it has been SO LONG since my last post. Both baby and mommy are doing great. Everything is progressing. We’re looking forward to the April 18 due date!!

I am just so tired. So. Tired.

These last few weeks have hit me like a ton of bricks. So much to do also in getting ready for hte baby. There hasn’t been enough time and energy in the day to conquer the most basic of things, much less blog. Since this HumpsNBump has been such an outlet for me, I feel even more out of sorts by not posting. It’s a vicious cycle.

There is a light at the end of the birth canal – err tunnel. This will be my last week of work.

After Friday I will be able to spend much more time telling stories to people who may or may not be interested in hearing them! After I get past this last week of work, I’ll be able to spend more time on this blog, talking about all the interesting things that I have learnt these past weeks – like my adventures in buying cloth diapers (will she stick it out or give in to the disposables) or my new found fascination with baby sign language (yes, I’m all over this one) or the day when I could no longer see my feet.

And hopefully the baby will be right on time so that I can use those two weeks before my due date to really take advantage of the nesting instinct. Who knows when I’ll have the natural instinct to clean and organize again?!!

Apart from reorganizing my storage room and laundry area, I think that we’re in great shape. The crib and bedding is set up. The dresser and change top is ready for the little body. We have pictures up in the room – although I’m still looking for two more frames. All of the clothes and other gear are packed away. Car seat is ready. The bag for the hospital is packed and ready. It’s starting to feel like I may actually be about to have a baby.

Who woulda thought.

I'd like you to meet Curry

2009-02-26T10:58:00.000-05:00

A few people at work have started Thai Thursdays where they take orders from the group for lunch. I love Thai Thursdays. I think about Thai Thursdays all week long. Today is Thai Thursday!!

I’ve been so fortunate that so far in my pregnancy I have been able to eat virtually anything. Luckily I didn’t have morning sickness. I haven’t had any food aversions or heartburn or indigestion. I can still eat meat and spicy foods. I’m trying to watch the sweets – basically because I know that I will overindulge – but I’ve already been cleared for Gestational Diabetes.

All of this is fantastic because I love food.

As soon as the email went out this morning with the reminder about Thai Thursday, I quickly and enthusiastically placed my order. And I did a little dance in my office. Today will be Curry Pad Thai.

And the girls that I work with suggested that Curry would be a cute girl’s name. Genius!! Why didn’t I think of any food-themed baby names?! So we started to explore that:
- Curry (girl)
- Thai (girl)
- Sashimi (girl)
- Wonton (boy)
- Tzatziki (boy)

How could Dad-to-be NOT want a delicious food inspired name for our little bun in the oven!! ;)

~ humps

Just 8 Weeks To Go!

2009-02-22T16:31:00.000-05:00

Yesterday marked Week 32 for the little munchkin that is growing inside of me. I know that it’s not just me that feels like time is going by so quickly. Those of you who follow this blog have commented that time is racing by. Everyone that I know in my “real life” is shocked that it is happening so quickly. Can you believe that we only have 8 weeks to go until the due date??!!

Just. Eight. Weeks.

And similar to my 20 week post, I want to fill you in on what’s happening with the mommy and baby at this stage:

What’s happening:
- It was just a few weeks ago that the baby’s kicks went from being very cute and reassuring, to very painful and irritating. The little one is really packing some punch now-a-days. According to the experts this will slow down over the next few weeks as the baby gets bigger. It will get pretty crowded in there.
- According to one of the weekly emails that I receive, the baby is about the length of “a hot pair of high boots”. Are you as astonished as I am? The baby should weigh about 4 pounds and measure over 17 inches long.
- My weight gain has been pretty good so far. I have probably put on about 20-25 lbs. My doctor has said that it’s normal for me to be gaining about a 1 lb a week to close off the last trimester. With 8 weeks to go that will put me around 35 lbs in total, which is fine by me. I’m not really worried about it since the weight gain hasn’t been too much of a problem thus far.
- My baby shower is next weekend. Stay tuned for a post on that this week, and maybe some pictures of it next week. I’m really looking forward to it!

What’s not happening:
- I am having a great pregnancy. It has honestly been so amazing that I feeling that I may make up for it during the delivery. (SCARY!!). I really think that the fact that I’m carrying high has made it so easy to get adjusted. I’m still pretty active and feel very comfortable.
- Carrying high has also been a Godsend on the wardrobe. Luckily I can still wear a lot of my pants and jeans under my belly, zip up some of my dresses as long shirts and wear my blazers. I’ve just had to be one pair of official maternity pants, and a few bigger than normal sweaters and shirts to fit over the bump.
- We still don’t know if we’re having a boy or girl, and at this stage I really don’t want to know. We’ve come a long way. But what’s really not happening is an aching feeling. The maternal instinct is not kicking in. I have no predictions while Dad-to-be is now convinced that it’s a girl.
- It’s only just hit me that we still have a long, long list of things that need to be done before the baby gets here. It’s driving me nuts. I really need to start getting more of the shopping and preparation done.

So all in all, I’m shocked that time is going by so quickly. While I’m anxious to meet the little person that is growing inside of me, there is still so much to do. How did this happen?!

~ humps

Happy Valentine's Day

2009-02-13T23:11:00.001-05:00

Wishing all of you and yours a Happy Valentine's Day. For all the moms with the little buns in the oven, just wanted to share a little gift for you...

Because our little ones are "made with love".

Too Tired to Blog?

2009-02-09T17:00:00.001-05:00

I realize that I have been a very bad blogger. Going almost a full week without a new post is terrible.

I have the best of intentions but this past week it didn't materialize. This is how it goes - I log onto Blogger, come to Humps And Baby Bump with the hopes of putting in a new post, of saying what's on my mind. Before I even put fingers to keyboard I think about what I want to say, and it turns into a much longer thought, and then it makes me tired just thinking about writing it. And then I think that I'll never finish it. I'm exhausted before the post is even started.

So instead, I go through my blog reel and check out my other favourite blogs. The procrastination thickens. I shut down the computer and resolve to get more sleep. That's definitely the problem. If I got more sleep I would be more energized and write more posts. And therefore I would be a better blogger. Sleep.

We'll see how that plays out next week.

How do all of you keep your energy up to keep blogging? Any tips?

Your friend, who yes, still blogs.
~ humps

Fast Food Regret

2009-02-03T17:06:00.000-05:00

I never should have had that double cheeseburger from McDonald's yesterday. Ok, ok I had TWO double cheeseburgers. I justified that because two burgers are basically the same amount of calories as a whole meal but CHEAPER. It was the fiscally responsible choice. But still, I never should have had those double cheeseburgerS.

The double cheeseburgerS from McDonald's were so good that I can't stop thinking about them. I really, really want another one, maybe two. However, I cannot live with myself if I have McDonald's two days in a row. Pregnant or not.

But the double cheeseburger was so delicious - so soft and cheesy, with the little salty pickles. It melts in your mouth when you eat it. There is definitely some sort of drug that they sprinkle on top to make you crave them, think about the next time you can have another. I feel like this must be some sort of chemical reaction.

Oh my gosh. I have to get another double cheeseburger right now. I'll just eat it in the car and not tell anyone. I'll throw away the evidence in the underground parking lot. No one needs to know that I had double cheeseburgers for two days in a row. I'll go to the gym when I get home and work it off. And I'm pregnant damn it. I should have as many double cheeseburgers as I want!! That's it. Settled. I am getting another double cheeseburger, or two.

Calories = 430

Fat = 22g

Cholesterol = 75 mg

Eatting it = ALL WORTH WHILE!

Belly Bump II: The Difference A Few Weeks Make

2009-02-02T17:22:00.001-05:00

My first baby bump pic was posted at the beginning of January when I was 25 weeks and a bit. The pictures that I am attaching below were taken last week, at the 28 week mark. What a difference a few weeks make people! The baby - and by association, the belly - is stretching and stretching.

But I feel fine. Still energetic and feeling great. Still able to get a bit of sleep at night now that I'm more comfortable with the side-lying position, although I do toss and turn. I was even able to go a few nights without the series of potty interruptions. Thank you Jesus.

While some of my friends - bless their little hearts - say that I look the same, and that I'm all belly, there is definitely more belly out there.

So, I'll quit stalling now. Here you go, "Belly Bump II: The Difference A Few Weeks Make" for the stick-out-ness that is happening right now. And now that I'm a little bit over 29 weeks, and have under 11 weeks to go, I know that the only way to grow is out. Here we come.

Last week- Week 28... Wearing the same tight tank top as previous pictures for effect (and also because I'm running out of tanks that will actually cover the bulge) with some pre-pregnancy black pants. Luckily the baby is sitting high enough that I can fit into most of my lower-rise pants and jeans.

Last week - Week 28... With clothes that I would actually wear in public. Great BCBG dress that a friend bought me. Someone actually mentioned that if they saw me on the bus they won't give me a seat because my bump is questionable. Duly noted. I keep that in mind next time I take the bus....

What got me weepy... today.

2009-01-27T10:30:00.000-05:00

So I'm pregnant. Us pregnant women tend to get a little emotional. It's the hormones. But it is also such an emotional journey during the nine and half months of growing life and becoming a mom. I cry a lot. All the time really. There's always something getting me a little choked.

To bring you in on the emotional rollercoaster that is me, I am beginning a serial on the blog that I'm calling, "What got me weepy".

I started this post just after 10:30 am this morning, while at work responding to some emails, tackling a new project, and checking out some blog news (it's multi-tasking!) Although I was in the office for only a couple of hours, I started to tear up TWICE. I know!!!

So, what got me weepy... today?

1. To my surprise, when I got to my office this morning there was a present on my desk! All wrapped in tissue paper with yellow ribbon, and addressed to me AND baby from a co-worker virtually across the hall. She followed me into my office and insisted that I open it right away.

I was so blown away. It was the most beautiful hand-knitted baby blanket in pale yellow. Made of the softest baby wool. She went on to say that it was made by her mom. It was such a kind gesture that I couldn't take it. I hugged the blanket - our first baby blanket! - and started to cry. I couldn't believe it.

2. Just when I thought that my daily cry was out of my system for the day, I happen to come across this letter on the McMommy blog. It was a letter that Barack Obama wrote to his daughters that was published in Parade magazine. As a mom-to-be I couldn't get past two paragraphs without crying. It was just so touching.

For all of you...

Dear Malia and Sasha,

I know that you've both had a lot of fun these last two years on the campaign trail, going to picnics and parades and state fairs, eating all sorts of junk food your mother and I probably shouldn't have let you have. But I also know that it hasn't always been easy for you and Mom, and that as excited as you both are about that new puppy, it doesn't make up for all the time we've been apart. I know how much I've missed these past two years, and today I want to tell you a little more about why I decided to take our family on this journey.

When I was a young man, I thought life was all about me—about how I'd make my way in the world, become successful, and get the things I want. But then the two of you came into my world with all your curiosity and mischief and those smiles that never fail to fill my heart and light up my day. And suddenly, all my big plans for myself didn't seem so important anymore. I soon found that the greatest joy in my life was the joy I saw in yours. And I realized that my own life wouldn't count for much unless I was able to ensure that you had every opportunity for happiness and fulfillment in yours. In the end, girls, that's why I ran for President: because of what I want for you and for every child in this nation.

I want all our children to go to schools worthy of their potential—schools that challenge them, inspire them, and instill in them a sense of wonder about the world around them. I want them to have the chance to go to college—even if their parents aren't rich. And I want them to get good jobs: jobs that pay well and give them benefits like health care, jobs that let them spend time with their own kids and retire with dignity.

I want us to push the boundaries of discovery so that you'll live to see new technologies and inventions that improve our lives and make our planet cleaner and safer. And I want us to push our own human boundaries to reach beyond the divides of race and region, gender and religion that keep us from seeing the best in each other.

Sometimes we have to send our young men and women into war and other dangerous situations to protect our country—but when we do, I want to make sure that it is only for a very good reason, that we try our best to settle our differences with others peacefully, and that we do everything possible to keep our servicemen and women safe. And I want every child to understand that the blessings these brave Americans fight for are not free—that with the great privilege of being a citizen of this nation comes great responsibility.

That was the lesson your grandmother tried to teach me when I was your age, reading me the opening lines of the Declaration of Independence and telling me about the men and women who marched for equality because they believed those words put to paper two centuries ago should mean something.

She helped me understand that America is great not because it is perfect but because it can always be made better—and that the unfinished work of perfecting our union falls to each of us. It's a charge we pass on to our children, coming closer with each new generation to what we know America should be.

I hope both of you will take up that work, righting the wrongs that you see and working to give others the chances you've had. Not just because you have an obligation to give something back to this country that has given our family so much—although you do have that obligation. But because you have an obligation to yourself. Because it is only when you hitch your wagon to something larger than yourself that you will realize your true potential.

These are the things I want for you—to grow up in a world with no limits on your dreams and no achievements beyond your reach, and to grow into compassionate, committed women who will help build that world. And I want every child to have the same chances to learn and dream and grow and thrive that you girls have. That's why I've taken our family on this great adventure.

I am so proud of both of you. I love you more than you can ever know. And I am grateful every day for your patience, poise, grace, and humor as we prepare to start our new life together in the White House.

Love, Dad

Month 7, Third Trimester!

2009-01-24T15:41:00.000-05:00

Today, the baby and I will be celebrating a great milestone. As of today, I will be 28 weeks, which according to What to Expect marks the first day of month 7, and the beginning of my third trimester. Again, my third trimester!! Can you believe it?

“You’ve come a long way, baby.”

I think that we might celebrate in a small way. Like your first highschool boyfriend that gave you a little drug store gift on your “month-iversary” because going a month was really going the distance, I have wanted to do something special before now. Hell each month that passes does seem to be so significant when you are creating a little life inside. No?

So here’s to week 28! I am so fortunate for the pregnancy that I have had so far. May the next 12 weeks be as blessed.

~ humps

Why can't I get it together?

2009-01-23T18:58:00.000-05:00

I should be at home with my feet up and a tray of brownies resting on my belly while watching some not-too-much-thought-needed TV. It is a Friday night after all. Everyone in my department has left. And I can probably guess that everyone in the office has left. I only hear the hum of fluorescent lights and my own breathing.

While I am usually a late worker – I am brain dead in the morning – I don’t know why I’m letting myself work late. And, work on weekends (I have for the past three weeks and will tomorrow). Shit, I’m pregnant. I’ve been pretty good at playing the pregnancy card.

I’m too tired to build a more rationale diagnosis of my workaholic psychosis so I’m just gonna throw out some random thoughts. Indulge me while I brainstorm a little. Could it be that:
- I have become so connected to my career and this particular job for the last several years that I’m finding it hard to let go.
- The fact that my boss, as nice and supportive and positive as she is, doesn’t have children and doesn’t understand.
- I worry about leaving things half started and abandoning my work for a year (I’m hoping to take a full year of matt leave – as allowed in Canada, although the financial impacts is SCARY).
- I’m trying to do a year’s full of work by March and putting too much pressure on myself.
- I’m still in denial about the baby and trying to distract myself in work.
- I’m making myself feel more comfortable and in control – work I know, motherhood and what’s ahead for the next year I don’t.
- I am afraid that I won’t be good at it – being a mother that is.

In the back (but not so deep) of my mind I know that my life will change dramatically in 3 months – and in some big ways already has. I know that the things that I care about and stew over will be so trivial and insignificant with my new priorities and perspectives. But I can’t help but be a little scared that it will be a sudden change and not a gradual one. In addition to all the physical preparation, will I have time for the emotional and intellectual preparation too? Moms out there how are you or did you do it?

Baby Names

2009-01-19T16:31:00.000-05:00

It seems like forever ago that dad-to-be and I would sit and daydream about one day - far, far in the distant future - having children. We would talk about our own upbringings and what we wanted for our kids. We would imagine what they would look like, whether they would have my hair and his nose. We would talk about soccer lessons and dance classes, art lessons and library visits. We would even talk about baby names.

Dad-to-be was more ahead of the game on baby names than I was. There was always a story about a cousin, aunt, uncle, brother or sister that could be honoured as the namesake of his future child, as was the tradition for many in the family (in fact his brother’s son was given Dad-to-be’s name and EVERYONE was named after his mother). He already had a long list of family members / potential baby names accumulated over the years.

In the early days of our baby daydreaming, before any of it was at all a REAL short term possibility, he would mention a few baby names. I would respond, as the loving, supportive, accommodating partner that I am, that it was such an interesting story. And of course we can name our son, one day, far far from now, after your cousin. I had no real options so it sounded good at the time.

But now it’s a different story. Now that I am actually having a baby, now that there’s a little person going inside of me, those names and those stories that he mentioned during our euphoric daydreams about the future seem stupid. Yeah, I said it.

We were having a conversation about names a few months ago – when I was maybe 5 months along. When he mentioned again those names that he had chosen so long ago my reaction was “No way! Are you kidding me? I don’t want to name this baby [insert name here].” He had a couple of alternates, and went on to list then. Of course, they definitely wouldn’t do. I said no to all of them. I could see that he wasn’t impressed. He said, “Well, what do you want to name the baby then? Let’s hear your ideas.” I knew the door that I would be walking into at that moment. Anything that I would say would be shot down just for spite. And really, I didn’t have any names. I needed to regroup and try this again.

Fast forward to last week. We have been successfully avoiding the baby naming process. I have been doing some thinking (which as you know by now, includes research). Equipped with my new book of 60,000 baby names, I can now address baby naming. This particularly session went very well. I’m pleased to report that we’re making some ground. We have a few great options that WE BOTH LOVE for a boy and a few ideas that need to be built upon for a girl.

My goal before going into labour is to have three girl names and three boy names. Reasonable, no? But the pressure of having a great name that will identify this person that we’re making, for the rest of their lives, is a pretty big deal. It’s a high pressure situation.

And if it doesn’t work I can always try to pregnancy card.

“I just gave birth for [insert labour time here] hours and carried this baby for almost 10 months!! I should be able to name him/her!!!” And then I’ll start crying. Because the baby is getting his last name anyway, I really should be able to call the shots on this one.

Here’s hoping,
Humps

Buying for Baby

2009-01-12T17:33:00.000-05:00

I don’t know how we will possibly be ready for this baby in three months. Did you know that babies need A LOT of stuff? All kinds of stuff – big and small. Where is all of this stuff supposed to come from?

I have over the past months picked up some things for the baby on a very haphazard basis. Dad-to-be has been picking things up also. For the major purchases I have been doing a lot research – reading reviews, talking to other parents, trying out items in the story before committing, asking random strangers in the street – knowing in the back of my mind that with these things you never really can tell how something functions until you’re holding a screaming baby or mischievous toddler while trying to operate said item, AND every baby/ household/ family/ situation is different. But there’s something about the research that makes me feel like I have things in “control”. I have a pretty good strategy for the big baby things.

On the other baby stuff, not so much. And we all know that as much as we think that things are in control, they are never in control.

Just the other day, I wanted to take advantage of the great post-Christmas sales and stock up on the baby’s layette. Nothing beats going shopping for cute little baby clothes. This was one area that I hadn’t put too much thought into. Apart from some advice from moms on sizes and special items that work well, etc I was hoping to just wing this one.

After a day at the mall I came home tired and frustrated with a lousy couple of items to show for all of my work. The reason – it’s freaking hard to find neutrals. EVERYTHING is either completely girlish or completely boyish. Why didn’t anyone tell me I was going to have a hard time? I would have planned for this!!

I understand that more and more people are finding out the sex of their baby. That’s totally cool. As a result there are more parents than 20, 10 even 5 years ago that are looking for gender specific things. But what about us expectant parents who don’t know? There clearly aren’t enough yellow jumpers to go around – if they are even designed at all.

To illustrate my point, I pulled a few website screen grabs from the Gap, Old Navy and Roots – very popular retailers. I’d like you to observe the sub-sections that I am highlighting with my mouse in these images. Please note that the headers have some variation of “baby boy” and “baby girl”. No general baby category to encompass the “unknown” “TBD” “not yet defined” baby.

Exhibit A

Exhibit B

Exhibit C

Frustrating, no? I was at a busy retailer on a Saturday, browsing (no, hunting) through the baby section. After dismissing pretty much all of the items for being too gender specific, I was holding in my hand 3 outfits that were still questionable. So I asked someone beside me for their opinion. After the conversation I was left holding one outfit. I now had to line up in what was the worst line ever to pay for one baby outfit, which would probably be worn for a total of 10 minutes before being puked on.

This is not going to be pretty.

Now I know better. Now I know that shopping for neutrals won’t be a walk in the green and yellow park.

Week 26,
humps

Belly Bump I: Just When U Thought I Was Kidding

2009-01-08T12:42:00.000-05:00

With sweaty palms and heart palpations I release to the world my very first baby bump pictures. I have no idea why I am so nervous about this! Maybe it’s because I have been able to confide in this blog with relative anonymity and this will be a new blogging direction that I have never taken before. You will now have a face for the seemingly uncontrollable blog rants that come from HumpsNBump. Maybe it’s because I am actually displaying my expanding girth to the whole Internet. It’s not fun getting bigger by the second – not just the belly but arms, hands, face, thighs, butt – to even your circle of friends, family and acquaintance. Why not open the scrutiny to the world? Or maybe because once I take this step there is no turning back.

And you thought I was just procrastinating.

I’m a Capricorn. We analyze things to death. It’s not me, it’s in the stars. But after much internal debate, I think I’m ready to do this.

With no further ado, I present to you, “Belly Bump I: Just When U Thought I Was Kidding”. This is in tribute to the many friends and family that saw the new bump for the first time this past holiday season - since it only really started to fill out in late November/ December.

Saturday - Week 25... thought the tight tank top and skinny jeans would really show you what I'm working wit!

This morning - Week 25, Day 5... a more realistic view of what I really would like if you saw me on the street. Took this picture before leaving for work, wet hair and all.

I will continue to post bump pictures – hopefully every two weeks or so. I know that there will be some big gains in the next 10 weeks. We’re in the final stretch people. 15 weeks – or 3 ½ months to go!!

Your pregnant friend
~ humps

The M-word

2009-01-06T15:16:00.000-05:00

It hits me every so often that in a few months our lives will change. We will go from being two to being three. I will be a mother. Even when I sit in my office thinking about it, or lie in bed imagining what that could feel like, I know that there is no preparing for/ anticipating it. I am going to be a mother and that is exciting, terrifying, humbling, energizing. Am I ready? I have no idea.

I was talking to a friend of mine that I have known for at least 15 years. We were friends in high school. We both were moving down the same career path, and therefore spent a lot of time in the same classes. I could create a whole post about the funny things that have happened to us, and our whole circle of friends, over the last decade plus – through school, college/university, first jobs, boyfriends, fiancés and kids. She, like a few of my friends, is a mom. Her daughter just turned 5.

Like most people, her reaction to the news that dad-to-be and I were HAVING A BABY was of shock, excitement and jubilation. (I have such great family and friends). And my words to her – I need you. How can I possibly do this??

She revealed to me last week that I was the last person that she thought would be having a baby right now.

Me: “Are you serious? The LAST person? Come on.”
Her: “No babe, really. I didn’t see that coming.”
Me: “But the LAST person? Of all the people that we know. Did you not think I could have a baby?!”
Her: “Really the last person. What about your industry parties all the time, you and (dad-to-be) were out every weekend – cabing from the condo downtown. You were focused on your career. You were traveling. What about moving? Did you not break up with (ex boyfriend) years ago for trying to move you in to the house in the ‘burbs.”

She may have been right. Honestly this time last year I thought so too. I was focused on other things – mostly myself. Dad-to-be and I were planning a move to the US just before we found out that I was expecting. As soon as I looked at the stick with two lines I knew that everything happens for a reason. Even though the baby was a surprise (for us and everyone else), that doesn’t mean that I’m not exactly where I should be – waiting to meet this baby face to face. That doesn’t mean that this isn’t the best thing that is happening to us. It is.

So during those days of self-doubt, when I think that there’s no possible way that I can do this whole mother thing, when I question if I’m even equipped to do this, I remind myself that I wouldn’t be given this chance if I wasn’t capable. I know that I can be and will be a loving, caring and supportive mother. I am empracing the m-word.

I can’t wait.

And then it was 2009...

2009-01-05T14:10:00.000-05:00

Well I'm back. It was a fantastic holiday. So great to have some much needed relaxation time. With my birthday in there (December 24th) the last couple of weeks have been jam packed with family events, a few visits from friends and lots and lots of vegging out. Who knows if we'll be able to do that much sleeping again! As much as it would have been nice to go away again this holiday session, the lack of airport lineups, security searches, stop overs, terminal prices and airplane food was fine by me.

I have taken a few pictures of the baby bump. Now at 25 weeks I know that the next few months are going to be crazy!! Stay tuned for that this week.

Talk soon,
Humps

It's a... BABY (New Picture For Ya!)

2008-12-18T16:19:00.001-05:00

So we had the ultrasound last week. I was really meaning to post the latest picture but for reasons that I mentioned on this blog earlier - cold and carpel tunnel - I haven't really had a chance. To spare my wrist any more abuse I am giving you the Coles Notes information:

1. The baby was so damn adorable during the ultrasound. The cutest little head and face (atleast what I could make out). Even waving little arms at the camera... I think I may be raising a celebrity, or politician. The picture shows a profile of the baby's head, neck and upper body.

2. Despite deciding the evening before that I would find out the sex of the baby but keep it a secret, we couldn't. The baby wasn't in the right position and was being really shy about the whole thing. So we don't know what we're having. :)

Here's the pic... enjoy!

Update on 'Crap'

2008-12-16T12:14:00.000-05:00

Yes, I have kept away for the last week or so because I did indeed have a cold. The sick feeling that I started to write in my last post materialized, despite the Vitamin C, hot water and honey, lemon, and gargling with salt water. I tried my most loved pantry remedies, to no avail. I was sick. And there's not much you can do about it when you're pregos I've learned. Other than wait for it to run it's course. Not so fun week.

And having to spend a whole lot of time at the computer last week writing, re-writing and re-writing presentations has given me some wicked Pregnancy Carpal Tunnel in my right hand. Given that I'm at a desk all day, I'm sure it was inevitable, but damn. It's the kind of pain that keeps you up at night, the kind of hurt that forces you to hold cups with the other hand and kind of strain that has you screeching when you move it just slightly (I caught a closing door in my underground parking garage this morning and I swear my moans were echoing).

I got into work today and ordered padding for my keyboard and mouse. Heading over the drugstore this afternoon for one of those braces. The pain is getting worse, not better.

But if this is all that I can complain about - a head cold and sore wrist - than I'm doing pretty good. Baby is fantastic (more on that in another post) and everything is going well.

Week 22.

Crap

2008-12-09T15:01:00.001-05:00

I feel like crap today.

To be honest, it probably has very little to do with the baby but I just wanted to share that I feel like crap.

Rant 1: I woke up today with what it think is the start of a cold. My throat is itchy, my eyes are watering, and I just wish that I could have stayed home.

Rant 2: My first meeting of the day was stupid. One of those kinds of meetings where you spend an hour looking at a table of results and talking at nausem. How did we do against last month, and last year? What’s up and down? Most of the conversation was circular. There goes an hour that I will never get back again.

Rant 3: Then I found out that the presentation that I am giving to the senior management team tomorrow is CORRUPTED, AGAIN. When the file originally corrupted on Friday our IT Team could don’t anything about it. I spent the weekend redoing it and saved it as two separate files. Even though it was fine on Monday, it’s now CORRUPTED, AGAIN. If I have to redo this presentation again tonight for tomorrow I will freak out.

Rant 4: I am so tired right now, I just want to go home, crawl into my bed and hid under the covers. Wake me up when I have to deliver this baby.

I feel like crap.

Phew!

2008-12-05T14:11:00.000-05:00

Just got back to from my first appointment with the new OB/GYN. Happy to report that she isn't like Kathy Bates in Misery. She's pleasant, positive, speaks very slowly, nods aggressively, has very expressive eyes. I'm sure those are all good signs in a doctor, and maybe a guidance counseller.

That's the good news. The bad news is that I've gained 4 pounds in the last 3-4 weeks!! (Granted it was a different scale than I'm used it. I don't know if it has been serviced properly. It could be far from accurate). The doctor seems to think that my UT* is measuring bigger than expected about 25 cm for 20-21 weeks. I should be around 21 cm. Total surprise because that didn't seem to be any issue before now. (*Note: I am referring to it as the UT, not uterus or baby sack because I just think that it's more cute and chic.)

The bigger than norm UT could be something. It could be nothing. But the new doc is really eager for me to have that ultrasound I scheduled for weeks from now. The one that I have been putting off. The one that may tell us what I'm having. Damn medical community and their testing. I may have to move that appointment up. My procrastination is not really working out at the moment, on a number of levels.

The story continues...

The writing is on the Globe... err wall

2008-12-05T10:03:00.000-05:00

I'm really not DWELLING on the whole not being able to find an OB/GYN thing. Really, people, I am not.

I just couldn't help but post an article that broke on the Globe and Mail, Canada's largest national newspaper, yesterday. So for your reading pleasure, "Obstetrician shortage looming, group warns" by Canadian Press reporter Helen Branswell. Enjoy!

TORONTO — Canada faces a critical shortage of obstetricians, the professional group representing this type of medical specialist warned Thursday.

The Society of Obstetricians and Gynaecologists of Canada said mothers and their babies will be put at risk unless substantially more obstetricians are trained in coming years.

“Women are stressed because they can see that if they're going to live in Fort McMurray and there are only two doctors there in a city that's over 100,000 ... and both of them are over 55 years old, it doesn't look pretty good,” Dr. Andre Lalonde, executive vice-president of the society, said Thursday.

The organization released results of a survey it conducted among members, looking at how many obstetricians and gynecologists are delivering babies, how long they intend to practice as well as how medical residents in the specialty plan to structure their work hours.

They found only 1,370 obstetricians are currently providing prenatal, antenatal — birthing and delivery — and postnatal care. That number is forecast to drop by as much as a third over the next five years, the report on the survey results said.

Younger doctors — predominantly women — don't want to work the round-the-clock schedules of obstetricians of old. Many plan to take breaks in their careers to have children and don't want to spend as much time on call, the survey found.

“They want to have a better work-life balance than the ones who are retiring right now,” Dr. Lalonde said.

“Our young doctors want to do that kind of work but they want to do it in a reasonable fashion and they want to do it for the safety of the public.”

“You wouldn't let transport drivers, airplane pilots work the hours that your own doctor's working, and then you expect them to be wide awake and to give you 100 per cent results on surgery or emergency (care). That's what they're calling into question.”

The society is calling on governments to increase the number of medical school spots for obstetrics and gynecologists by 30 per cent a year for three years. That means training about 25 or 30 extra doctors in this specialty a year, Dr. Lalonde said. After that an additional 10 per cent apiece for three years is needed, the group said.

They also recommended rotating medical residents in the specialty into smaller cities and towns in the hopes it might encourage some to practise later in smaller centres. Small towns and rural areas have a chronic shortage of doctors of all specialties.

The organization is also calling for training of more midwives, who could take on more of the standard deliveries, freeing up physicians to handle the complicated births and the emergencies.

For future reference...

2008-12-04T13:44:00.001-05:00

I had to steal this picture of Angelina and Brad from another blog that I read earlier today. Angelina was days before giving birth to her twins, walking the red carpet. As fabulous and skinny as Angie is ALL THE TIME, she is huge in this picture. She, like many mothers before me was forced to wear the dress/mu-mu/tent. And she's Angie. I'm sure designers were throwing their creations at her.

So I am saving this picture on my blog. When I feel like I'm drowning in my ever expanding humps and bump, I will refer back to this picture. If Angie, in all of her celebrity fab-ness can do it, on the red carpet, knowing that there will be eyes on her and future photo evidence, I can too.

Friday

2008-12-04T13:16:00.000-05:00

The first appointment with my new OB/GYN is tomorrow afternoon. This is the person that my family doctor secured for me. I haven't been able to find any information online for her, and as a result the unknown is making me extremely nervous. I just had a flash back to Kathy Bates in Misery, circa early 90s.

T E R R I F I E D.

It could be really bad guys. Wish me luck. I will let you know how it went.